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Nike Releases New Olympic Track Suits Designed to Limit Penis Wind Resistance
Fri, Jun 22, 2012
The Onion 3:02 | 1,638 views
In this week's GOOMF, Doc and Kenny pick their own poison, downing lethal doses of Dale Jr.'s new losing streak, the Heat's Chalmers-based offense, and Nike's tracksuit that streamlines the penis.
Today NOW! Offers 7UP TEN Chance For Fruitful Sponsorship
Mon, Mar 11, 2013
The Onion 0:34 | 62 views
We invested $150,000 in this test sponsorship. We hope that you like it, 7UP TEN! Our producers tell us that our jobs depend on it!
Shady New Wendy's Deal Offering Five Hamburgers For Free, No Questions Asked
Sat, Mar 9, 2013
The Onion 0:56 | 74 views
The fast-food chain has rolled out a suspicious new promotion selling five hamburgers for zero dollars.
Nation Agrees Justin Bieber’s Inevitable Meltdown Could Be Interesting To Watch
Sat, Mar 9, 2013
The Onion 2:22 | 39 views
Cancer topples Chavez in a bloodless coup, a poll finds that 99% of human beings would prefer big, slobbery hound dog pope, and Andrea Bocelli is smelling the shit out of a red rose. It's the week of March 4, 2013.
The Gunman Tragedy: A Recap Of The Onion’s Coverage
Fri, Mar 8, 2013
The Onion 1:19 | 28 views
When tragedy struck Kansas City today, Onion reporters were first on the scene. This is a video recap of our coverage of the Gunman story that began this morning when she killed zero in a crowded mall .
Shady New Wendy's Deal Offering Five Hamburgers For Free, No Questions Asked
Fri, Mar 8, 2013
The Onion 0:56 | 27 views
The fast-food chain has rolled out a suspicious new promotion selling five hamburgers for zero dollars.
Man Not Sure He’s Dynamic Enough To Work At Local Marketing Firm
Thu, Mar 7, 2013
The Onion 1:10 | 13 views
An online listing for a job at area marketing firm BizKo Solutions has left local man Ryan Urlich unsure whether he is truly dynamic enough to qualify for the position, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Obama Issues Presidential Pardon To Get Biden Out Of Jail For Third Time This Year
Thu, Mar 7, 2013
The Onion 1:16 | 17 views
The President was forced to exercise his clemency powers to free Joe Biden last week after the Vice President called the White House at 3 AM from a prison pay phone.