10 ways to nail your best man duties

Once the honour of being asked to be best man wears off, the hassle of organising the stag party and the stomach-churning horror that is the speech may make you wish you'd never been chosen

Of all the responsibilities that come with a wedding, it is the best man’s speech that most closely resembles a minefield.

Play it too safe and the guests drift off into a wine-induced coma; go too far and prepare to be excommunicated by your oldest friend and his new bride. The line between the two is thinner than a mosquito’s bicep.

It’s a conundrum I am currently facing; one which comes wrapped in glossophobic, stomach-churning anxiety.

And then there is the stag party and the slog involved in pestering up to 30 men for the money required, and then sourcing activities that suit the entire party.

So, for the benefit of any of you facing a similar fate, here are ten things (courtesy of those in the know) to help you be the best best man you can be:

1. It’s not all about the speech and the stag

As the pride of being asked to be a best man begins to wane, you are left with two thorns in your backside - the laborious administration of organising the stag party and nervous preparation of writing a speech. But there’s more to the role than booking paintballing and recalling humiliating stories.

“People focus on the speech and the stag, but being a best man is more than that - it is a major role with a lot of responsibilities," says Jo Bryant, etiquette advisor at Debrett’s and editor of the Debrett’s Wedding Guide. "You are the floor manager on the day, you have to make sure everything goes to plan.”

Oliver Lucas, founder of iamthebestman.co.uk, agrees. “Best men always underestimate the time it takes to plan and organise all of the duties required. At all key engagements, the best man is expected to be on hand. For example, at the engagement party he should be working the room to convince the family members on both side that this is a guy they can place their trust in.”

Which means...

2. Be familiar with everything beforehand

You aren’t an ordinary wedding guest, you are the  best man  - and that means doing your homework.

“Visit the reception venue, look at the timetable of the day, recognise certain people and be aware of sensitive family situations, making sure you have the phone numbers of the caterer, the ushers, the bridesmaids,” advises Bryant.

Lucas adds: “As the go-to guy, family members confide in the best man and he can often have to play the role of diplomat between family members, either on the same or opposing sides. He is the middle man who must liaise between the two. This gets interesting when the cost of the wedding is shared!”

3. Be creative

“As the competition intensifies, stag-do providers and others are looking to differentiate themselves and broaden their offering from the old favourites of go-karting and so on,” says Lucas, who also reveals that at the “more extreme end” you can arrange for the groom to be kidnapped. Yes, really.

“You also have other stuff like zombie experiences, recording studios and even rioting. I always quite like the nettle eating championships…”

4. Be prepared before you speak

Right, on to the speech itself… and it’s very much a case of fail to prepare, prepare to look like a complete moron in front of a hundred people. Because even if you are a stand-up comedian or possess the public speaking skills of Barack Obama, you will need to do your research and put the hours in.

“There is a huge amount of pressure on the best man,” warns Bryant. “You are coming in last and you are supposed to wow everyone with your speech.

“You will be standing up and addressing an audience, many of whom you won't know, even if you know the bride and the couple's families."

Speak to the groom’s friends and family (and even his fiancee) beforehand, remember to include the formalities, write your speech out in full and then condense it on to cards so you aren’t reading your masterpiece word for word. And then practice, practice and, when you know it inside out, practice some more. Or this could happen:

5. Don’t embarrass the guests

Stating the obvious, maybe, but it seems scores of best men still think material more at home in a working man's club is suitable for a wedding.

It may well be true (and highly amusing) that the groom is a sex maniac with a penchant for S&M, but his great aunt Dorothy doesn’t need to know.

"The key things are ensuring you use appropriate content that won’t embarrass guests,” says Bryant.

“And try to include the bride a little bit - it's nice to pay her a compliment or include a short story involving her.”

6. Simplicity and sensibility

“Unless you're a pro, keep it simple. Nerves will come into play and there is enough pressure on the best man on the day anyway. Deliver a short, funny speech,” says Bryant, who suggests 10 minutes as a suitable length.

“But you should probably confer with the groom and father of the bride first - if they are not confident speakers, they may be planning a short speech, so you should ensure yours is similar in length.

"Some guys speak for ten minutes, others are absolute naturals and can talk without notes for 40 minutes.”

However, Lucas says best men are increasingly going multi-media in their approach: “Producing homemade movies is fairly easy and accessible to the novice these days and audiences are becoming more used to seeing them. If you want to be a best, and not mediocre, best man, then this is something you’ll need to consider.”

7. Take your time

You’re nervous, you want it over and done with so you can attack the free bar - but reject the natural inclination to speak at 200mph.

Instead, make a point of slowing down: let the audience enjoy your anecdotes and touching sentiment. If they don’t laugh at one of your jokes, wait for a moment. And if they still don’t, relax and move on.

8. Avoid cliches

Nothing is as unamusing as when the best man delivers a naff gag you've heard in a speech at another wedding.

Avoid at all costs:

“It's been an emotional day...even the cake's in tiers.”

"Being asked to be best man is like sleeping with the Queen... it’s a great honour, but no-one really wants to do it."

“They say that the best man's speech is the groom's worst five minutes of the day. The bride's worst five minutes of the day, however, come later on tonight.”

Yawn.

9. Sobriety - all day (maybe)

The cure for nervousness is seven glasses of champagne and three rum and cokes, right? Apparently not:

“Remember to enjoy yourself but don't have too much to drink,” says Bryant, who controversially warns against booze overindulgence  all day .

“You have to be the last man standing at the end of the night to make sure the last guest has got in a cab and gone home.”

10. Be proud

This is pretty much the highest honour your friend can bestow upon you. Remember when you didn’t get picked first (or second, or third) in the playground for breaktime footy? Will this more than makes up for it.

“The thing to remember is being a best man is a massive compliment,” says Bryant. “You are one of the VIPs.”

Lucas agrees: "There’s little doubt that the role of the modern-day best man is demanding, but it’s also a great privilege, which is something that can sometimes get lost in the day-to-day rigours of the role.

"When a groom selects his best man, he is making a statement. He is singling out that person to be at his side on the day he makes the biggest commitment of his life.

"He is entrusting him with responsibility and he is cementing a bond that runs deep. All said and done, when the champagne’s been drunk, and the speech has been delivered, it is this honour that many reflect on with a sense of pride, and so they should."