2020 Election: This is what the first Democratic Primary debate should look like

Int. Dolby Theatre, Hollywood, CA. Several Democratic candidates for president stand onstage

CHUCK TODD (MODERATOR)

Welcome to the first Democratic Primary debate in which every single Democrat in the country is running; there are more candidates than voters.

Tonight's debate is brought to you by the Klobuchar Comb Co: "We'll find you a comb for your salad".

The first question goes to Cory Booker — what's your take on the Green New Deal?

CORY BOOKER

Bring it. I'm the original Green New Deal. I've been vegan since Beyonce made it cool in 2014.

JOE BIDEN

Green New Deal - this is big f**king deal. As Alexander Hamilton said to me backstage just now, it'll deliver that magic three-letter word: full employment.

CHUCK TODD

Senator Sanders, you’ve spoken a lot about widening social inequality in this country. How would you tackle that?

BERNIE SANDERS

I'd give every American the means to lift themselves out of poverty with 15 solid gold bricks, also known as The Communist Manifesto.

CHUCK TODD

How would you pay for this?

BERNIE SANDERS

By taking on the billionaire class: I'd tax Jeff Bezos' d**k pics, which will generate $100bn.

CHUCK TODD

Who are you considering for VP?

BERNIE SANDERS

Julian Castro or Joaquin Castro.

CHUCK TODD

Because they'd complement your ticket?

BERNIE SANDERS

No — because I've always wanted a picture with a guy named Castro.

ELIZABETH WARREN

For my VP, I’m picking Taylor Swift. I need someone super white to balance my ethnically diverse background.

CHUCK TODD

Are you still claiming to be Native American?

ELIZABETH WARREN

Yes but I'm also black: my grandmother shook hands with Harriet Tubman.

CHUCK TODD

That's not how ancestry works.

ELIZABETH WARREN

Typical straight white male comment there, Chuck. I doubt you'd say that if I wasn't Asian.

CHUCK HOLT

You're claiming Asian ancestry?

ELIZABETH WARREN

I'm clearly Asian: I was invited to address the Asian-American student group at Harvard and the event was sponsored by 23andme.

CHUCK TODD

That doesn't make you Asian!

ELIZABETH WARREN

Are you rejecting my claims because I'm Hispanic?

CHUCK TODD

For our viewers at home: none of these ancestry claims are valid, and all of them are highly offensive.

ELIZABETH WARREN

But I'm also gender-fluid. Voters uncomfortable electing a woman should know that I can identify as a male to earn your vote.

CHUCK TODD

Kamala Harris, turning to you: many have accused you of having an aggressive prosecutorial stance while District Attorney in San Francisco.

KAMALA HARRIS

That may be true, Chuck, but I also believe in the core ideological aims of the Democrats. I just happen to pursue policies that are also palatable to the Republicans of San Francisco — both of them.

CHUCK TODD

Let's turn to Amy Klobuchar. Amy — some have said you have a difficult temperament. How would you respond?

AMY KLOBUCHAR

Did anyone ask this of Donald Trump?

CHUCK TODD

Well, true...

AMY KLOBUCHAR (ANGRILY)

I'm tough. Besides, do you know how tough you have to be to eat a salad with a comb?! Voters want us to be able to make difficult decisions! Screw you all!!

Amy Klobuchar kicks her lectern and leaves the stage

CHUCK TODD

Well. Beto, can you elucidate any of your policies for us? Any one at all?

BETO O'ROURKE

Wait — I'm supposed to answer a question? I thought I could coast to the nomination based on my good looks and charisma alone. It worked for Obama.

CHUCK TODD

We're running out of time — remaining candidates, please pitch your candidacy to voters.

MIKE BLOOMBERG

I'm running to show what a real New York billionaire looks like.

HILLARY CLINTON

I'm running because the presidency is my birthright.

KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND

I’m white and blonde, so why not?

TIFFANY TRUMP

I just want my father to notice me.

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR

I'm running so I can appoint myself to Space Force.

JUSSIE SMOLLETT

I'm running to get a pay bump.

JASON BOURNE

I don't remember my pitch.

LEFT SHARK (dancing)

I'm known for being out of sync, so I’m running to be the party logo instead of the ass.

BORDER WALL

I've done nothing to stop illegal immigration: I'm 100 per cent a Democrat.

CHUCK TODD

If Border Wall can run, so can I! I'm announcing that I too am now running for President! This is what MeToo is all about, right?

CHUCK TODD gets up from moderator's desk & walks onto stage. He's replaced as moderator by RON BURGUNDY

RON BURGUNDY

Good evening San Diego. Our next question is on the gender pay gap. Princess Leia, what can we do to increase it?