50 Really Funny Marriage Tweets That Just Nailed It This Year

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018

Arm falls off

Wife: You don't drink enough water.

— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) July 8, 2018

DATING: I thought it was sad when I’d see a married couple at a restaurant not talking.
MARRIED: We carry on an entire conversation about the couple on a date at the table next to us using only our eyebrows.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 19, 2018

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 15, 2018

After many heart to heart talks my husband and I have decided at this stage of our marriage to go ahead and get separate tubes of toothpaste.

— sophielou (@sophielou) January 10, 2018

I don’t wanna talk about it until you’re about to fall asleep.

-Marriage

— Dan (@dadopotamus) July 28, 2018

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) March 16, 2018

Me: *parallel parking*

Husband: *visibly aging*

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 25, 2018

my wife and i can’t agree on where to eat so this time we’re going to her favorite restaurant then next time we’ll go to her other favorite restaurant

— eric (@ericsshadow) January 3, 2018

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 5, 2018

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

— A Very TheAlexNevil Christmas (@TheAlexNevil) January 17, 2018

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) August 21, 2018

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) October 27, 2018

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

— Candy Cane Shank 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) April 18, 2018

WHY WON'T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

— JPo (@Peauxtassium) September 9, 2018

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog's first salsa lesson

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 13, 2018

wife: how about you be the little spoon tonight?

me: we’ve gone over this *points to my crown* i’m a spork

— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) October 11, 2018

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) April 7, 2018

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
wife *turns the TV up*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 6, 2018

First year married: I want to spend every moment with you

All other years: maybe you could move into your own house

— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) July 22, 2018

I tried on an outfit and asked husband if he liked that one or the next one best...then went into the closet and came out with the exact same outfit on and he looked at me and dead ass said, “Definitely the first one.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) August 19, 2018

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 16, 2018

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

— Candy Cane Shank 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) July 16, 2018

Me: Hey honey, can you get me a cup of coffee?

Wife: You have legs. Get it yourself.

Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 14, 2018

Me texting husband at Target: They’re just tampons. Get the ones in the pink box on the top shelf.

My husband texting me at Home Depot: It’s just a socket wrench 3/4 hex right cosine the square root of 238 sudden death overtime. It has a black handle.

— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) November 8, 2018

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 26, 2018

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 9, 2018

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) September 6, 2018

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I'm leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

— Andrew Fowler (@fowlerism) June 14, 2018

My husband unloaded the dishwasher so I guess now it’s time to have a parade for him

— JPo (@Peauxtassium) November 11, 2018

If you've been married for any length of time, you've thought about grocery shopping during sex. Don't front.

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 15, 2018

Wife - We have to go to Kohls today so I can spend my $5 Kohls cash before it expires.
Me - I'll give you $10 if I can stay home.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) April 14, 2018

(100 miles from exit)

Wife: You need to get in the right lane.

— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018

When you do it, it’s annoying, when I do it, it’s adorable.

Me, explaining life to my husband

— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) January 22, 2018

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 23, 2018

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 26, 2018

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 30, 2018

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 29, 2018

“Where does this go?”

- my husband cleaning

— StaceyLynne (@StaceyLynne_44) March 4, 2018

Started a movie 45 mins ago with my wife.

We’re 7 mins in.

— Salamingia (@salamingia) January 27, 2018

90% of my text messages are my wife checking to see if I’ve done something yet.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2018

If your wife birthed your big-headed baby, then you clean the hair out of the shower drain. Those are the rules.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 27, 2018

Just once I wish when my wife says “we need to talk” she surprises me and starts up a conversation about Mexican food.

— AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ (@AmericanGent69) February 24, 2018

*Looking for something around the house.

Me: Have you seen it?

Wife: Yes, I put it back where it belongs.

Me: Ah, thank you.

*Still has no idea where it is.

— Slade’s Situation™ (@Dad_in_Brief) March 9, 2018

If you like getting angry at the way someone turns a doorknob, marriage may be right for you.

— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) March 25, 2018

I hadn’t realised that marriage would make having a spare room quite such a necessity.

— Lord Baconbutt (@Gupton68) April 3, 2018

Love is letting her charge her phone first.

Marriage is buying a second charger.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2018

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I'm driving and then she controls the radio.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 28, 2018

What part of if I'm on a diet he's on a diet does my husband not understand?

— Denise (@food_shoes_life) March 24, 2018

Oh your husband bought you a designer handbag? Mine ordered me my very own large pizza

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 23, 2018

Marriage is just smiling and nodding after you've read the same sentence 12 times because they keep talking in 20 second intervals and OH MY GOD JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT AND BE QUIET SO I CAN FINISH THIS 3 PARAGRAPH ARTICLE.

— Trace of Bass (@the_migglest) March 31, 2018

The wife always knows when I've emptied the dishwasher because I leave the cabinet doors flung open like I just got a warrant to toss the house.

— ☠ How YOU Doin ☠ (@jollyrobber) March 2, 2018

My wife just replied to my email with “Unsubscribe.”

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 27, 2018

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He's only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 4, 2018

I know my wife is mad at me when the kids ask something and instead of "Ask your dad." she says "Go see what ROBERT thinks."

— Sir Rüb 🐐🐚 (@chocmoney1974) April 4, 2018

I describe my husband’s style as “OMG! Are you going to wear that in public?”

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 1, 2017

90% of marriage is just loud cleaning.

— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) March 26, 2018

“Does this smell ok?” and “Guess when I last washed my hair?” are just two examples of fun games you can play to spice up your marriage.

— Brooke Siegel (@brookejena) March 23, 2018

Me after date night with Hubs: Ugh, I’m going to change into something more comfortable

*takes off going-out yoga pants, puts on staying-in yoga pants

— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) March 25, 2018

Husband: I emptied the toaster crumbs & cleaned the toaster.

Me: Aw!!! I was going to do that today!

— Lorie (@LorieGZ) March 24, 2018

WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that

ME: *picking kids’ coats up off the floor and hanging them in the closet*

— eric (@ericsshadow) March 23, 2018

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.

— α geek (@alfageeek) March 17, 2013

(100 miles from exit)

Wife: You need to get in the right lane.

— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018

There isn’t a self help book in the world that can prepare you for the disappointment you feel when a random package arrives from Amazon and you find out it’s just the golf balls your husband ordered.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 30, 2018

Being married is just wiping someone else's toothpaste spittle off the vanity mirror EVERYDAY.

— C~ (@aGreeneyedChic) March 25, 2018

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”

— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) March 16, 2018

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018

My husband has 2 pairs of crocs so all I’m saying is don’t rush into marriage

— JPo (@Peauxtassium) April 16, 2018