Adoptive parents on seeking support: ‘The best thing we’ve ever done’

Parenting – whether you are a birth or adoptive parent – is wonderful but isn’t easy. “When your child is crying at 4am, you have to get up and do your best to comfort and reassure them,” says Mark Owers, an adoptive parent and government adviser on adoption. “Adoption is amazing but of course some families experience more difficulties than others,” he says, “and that’s why having the right kind of support at the right time is so important.”

Owers recently carried out an adoption support audit for the government and chairs the steering group for national adopter recruitment.

“All adoption agencies are committed to ensuring that families who adopt know that support is readily available,” he says. Lifelong support is critical and it is available from the first time you contact an agency, but adoptive families are free to seek help on their own terms. “Support should be there when adopters need it, and they should expect to need it,” he adds.

One of the things that prospective adopters sometimes fear is the assessment process. But Owers counters this. “Assessment needs to be rigorous. These are some of the country’s most vulnerable children.” But he believes that prospective adopters need to be considered using a “strengths-based approach”, looking at what they can offer and identifying areas for development and support. The social worker, he says, is responsible for helping people to use the assessment process to learn about themselves and jointly identify a workable support plan for both themselves and their child.

Jo and her wife, Mandy, adopted twice; their sons are now five and eight.

“We had an amazing social worker. There was a lot of continuity and I feel very grateful about that,” says Jo. Their social worker was a source of support to the couple throughout the emotional rollercoaster of both adoptions. “She found us both our sons and was always there without judgment.”

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Owers says that adopters are also offered support to ensure that they are best able to meet their child’s needs. For instance, Jo and Mandy’s social worker sent them on courses – such as one on adopting a second child. Other agencies offered sessions in the early evening, giving information on subjects such as brain-based trauma.

He stresses the importance of peer support, with parents learning from each other. Jo is an adoption mentor, available to talk informally to people who are considering adoption. She also blogs regularly about her experience of parenting and is part of several closed Facebook groups that offer peer support to people adopting or fostering.

Therapeutic parenting courses are also available to help adopters understand how children’s experiences prior to being adopted might influence their behaviour. “These help adoptive families understand their children’s needs,” says Owers. “Children who have experienced trauma in their lives have brains that are ‘wired differently’.” The process of sanctions and rewards – commonly used by parents and teachers – does not work for a child who has experienced developmental trauma. Instead, therapeutic parenting focuses on empathy, nurturing and playfulness. “It goes against the grain, but therapeutic parenting absolutely works,” Owers concludes.

Another concern for many adoptive parents is school, and the extent to which schools do or do not understand the needs of adopted children. When Jo and Mandy’s eldest son, who was adopted as a toddler, started school, physical and emotional issues that had not appeared before started to show.

“We started to realise he had attachment disorder and sensory issues,” Jo says. But the school helped, and Jo describes the special educational needs coordinator as brilliant. “We were supported from day one,” she continues.

For families who adopt children with additional needs, then a range of therapeutic services is also available without the long waits many other children experience from health services.

This support can often be paid for by the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund (ASF). The ASF provides funds to adoption agencies to pay for essential therapeutic services, which tens of thousands of families have found invaluable since its launch in May 2015. The Department for Education is funding this scheme until at least 2021.

Claire is a single adoptive parent whose two daughters both have foetal alcohol syndrome. Her older daughter, Annie, was hugely sensitive to noise and was self-harming. “The ASF is a lifeline for parents,” she says. “There were things she needed that were not available on the NHS, not to the level that she needed anyway.”

Claire was able to access an occupational therapist through the ASF for Annie when she was two years old. The therapist helped her with her sensory issues and with her strength and dexterity.

“It was the best thing we’ve ever done – for both Annie and me. It has massively improved our lives. It has helped me to understand how her brain works and what she needs. She’s a very clever child but the outside world doesn’t work for her.

“Without this help, I would not have been able to adopt another child,” Claire continues. She is now accessing help for her younger daughter too, who has physiological issues that were not obvious initially. “[Lucy] is more medically complicated but easier to parent,” she says.

Whatever the challenges, both Jo and Claire are hugely positive about adopting.

“I’ve changed as a person,” says Jo. “Adoption changed my life, gave me two amazing boys, gave me more confidence, a passion. You never forget they are adopted but they are ours.”

If you are interested in finding out more about adoption, contact First4Adoption on 0300 222 0022 or visit first4adoption.org.uk/youcanadopt