The advice a mum whose husband and seven-year-old son died in a car crash gives about grieving
Anna-Louise Bates experienced loss and heartache like no-one should ever have to. She was there, just metres away, when a driver hit her son and husband, killing them both.
She had used the years since to set up a charity and campaign for organ donation - because on that night, while suffering the most unimaginable pain, she agreed for organs from both Stuart and her seven-year-old son Fraser to be donated to help others. Her ability to make that decision came because just a few weeks before they died, Stu had had a conversation with his wife, meaning she knew his thoughts, and she knew her much-loved son would want to help as many people as possible.
Fraser's organs and tissue were donated and went on to save at least four years. Her charity, Believe, is now setting up a memorial garden, a place for those who have donated organs, for loved ones to reflect and remember at Thornhill crematorium in Cardiff.
READ MORE: A grieving mum donated her young son's heart. A year later, an extraordinary letter came
READ MORE: The full story of the day a seven-year-old boy his dad were killed in the same crash
It will have a flower design, and anyone can go there. There will be a heart at its centre, next to mounds reflecting the kidneys and liver. There will be quotes from donor families, a replica of Castell Coch and a tree to honour each organ donor in Wales. People will be able to leave messages in a special post box, take away wildflower seeds and share their own stories.
In her memoir, "Life: A story of believing" which has just been released, Anna-Louise has shared more details of her journey than ever before, dealing with grief, the night itself, and the many ups and downs. Included, is her advice to all of us, to help those grieving, or on the grief journey.
Part of that section reads: "Don't ask a grieving person what you can do for them as you're asking them to make another decision. Instead of saying those words, specify something - would it help if I did the washing? Can I take the dog for a walk? Would you like me to make some meals for the freezer? They only have to say yes or no. I try to do that with the charity. I give people options of what we can provide rather than force them into thinking of yet another thing.
"I long for Fraser. I just want to hug him ‘ I hug my bear so many nights, all night long, but it’s not him, is it? It’s not my baby. It never will be. The waves of grief are terrifying. I could drown. I know I could, and going forward it's the little things that can break me. The little things that most people wouldn't even have to consider."If I could ask for anything from other people, it would be that they just hug me. I don’t need the words. I don’t want any of that on Mothering Sunday or Christmas or their birthdays or the anniversary or any of the 'significant’ days when other people celebrate and they suddenly remember I exist. I want to be checked in on to see how Anna’s doing, not just because it’s one of those 'big days’ and they feel obliged.
"When people talk about Fraser and Stu, they talk about how they miss them or their children miss their friend. I want them to hear how I miss them. I have done everything that I can to try and protect everyone else. It doesn’t actually help when someone tells me their child still struggles with Fraser’s death or that they still talk about him. It just adds to my pain.
"Whenever I do anything charity-wise, people say that they remember where they were when they heard what had happened. That really pisses me off'. I know exactly where I was and I can’t tell anybody what I saw that night. I’ve tried through writing this, but I don’t think I could ever do it in real life. I couldn’t in4ict that pain onto another person I couldn’t do it. If anybody saw and understood the pain of what I go through, it would break me.
I also hate the way people say they could never have coped. I don’t want any of that 'you’ve been so brave’ response because I just don’t see it that way. qaybe being more emotional would have been braver actually, if I’d shown my pain. The way I am absolves them. If I’m brave and they’re still struggling, they don’t have to do anything because I’m coping.
"A friend of mine who I wasn’t that close to at the time got it right and still does. !he sends messages that just say, Thinking of you. That’s the way to do it. Don’t force your grief on people, don’t ask them questions that they might not want to answer, don’t force them into replying, don’t grab someone else’s grief for yourself just check. What hurts me is when other friends have major losses, I’m the one who gets the telephone call to ask how they should be dealt with, what should be said. 'Well, I’m the expert, aren’t I?
"They’re not still wondering how I’m doing, are they? I still give the advice, I still give the help, but I’m hurting myself. I do the checking in, I do the making sure everyone is UK, but it’s not reciprocated.
"Grief doesn’t really end 'moving on’ is a myth ‘ others can do it, but the ones who are at the raging, fiery heart of it? No, that’s not an option we have. Does anyone want to listen to what it’s really like?"
To find out more about the Believe organ donation charity, visit here. Anna-Louise's book "Life: A Story Of Believing" is for sale on Amazon, for £8.38, Fraser's time of birth.