Another day bites the dust as Theresa May's stupor spreads

In recent days there have been rumours the House of Commons may have to forgo its 10-day February recess and even sit at weekends in order to reach a Brexit deal. Which sounds fine, except for one thing. Inertia is this government’s raison d’etre. And where the prime minister leads, Westminster follows.

This current parliament is quite capable of sitting 24/7 for the next year or so without achieving a consensus on anything. Even on the days when it is meant to be doing something, it far prefers to mooch around talking about why it is so hard for it to make up its mind about what to do next. And few sessions demonstrate this better than prime minister’s questions, which Theresa May – with a lot of help from Jeremy Corbyn – has reduced to 45 minutes of everyone’s life that they will never get back.

It doesn’t help that there now appear to be two Theresa Mays. There is the one the country has come to know only too well: confused, comatose and rigid. And there is the Theresa May the prime minister apparently believes she is: assertive, in control and open-minded. A go-getter. The only thing that links the two are that both versions are equally incompetent. Theresa, meet Theresa.

“Why does he not just come to me and talk about it?” May pleaded, as the Labour leader made his sixth request for the government to rule out a no-deal Brexit and consider remaining in a customs union. She seemed genuinely perplexed that her open invitation to Downing Street had not been taken up. How could anyone refuse an offer for her not to listen to a word they said so that she could carry on doing what she had always been planning to do anyway? Even if she wasn’t entirely sure what it was she wanted to do.

The prime minister was so taken aback by this past rebuff, she completely forgot she was now actively engaged in a conversation with Corbyn. So rather than answer any of his questions, she continued to complain about his refusal to participate in a dialogue with her.

It was enough to leave the Labour leader chasing shadows. He was vaguely aware he was being fobbed off, but couldn’t quite put his finger on how. At times like these, he is his own worst enemy. Lacking the ability to rip up his script and beg May to say something vaguely intelligible, he took to repeating the same gag twice. A gag he had already nicked off Hilary Benn from Monday. May’s ability to bring everyone around her down to her own level is one of her defining talents. Long before the end, the chamber was barely half full. And the half that were there were asleep. Another day bites the dust.

Just over the road, Brexit was doing a roaring trade, with Jacob Rees-Mogg headlining a Bruges Group gig for the over-60s. So much so that dozens of people who had paid £20 for the pleasure couldn’t get in, as the organisers hadn’t bothered to check the room’s capacity before putting the tickets on sale. Come 29 March that kind of EU health and safety nonsense will be a thing of the past and proper Brits will be free to be trampled to death.

The warm-up act was Roger Bootle, an economist with the melancholy air of an assistant bank manager who has yet to grasp his branch has been earmarked for closure. He was sick and tired of business people putting their businesses first. What was wrong with being worse off? We weren’t like other countries. We hadn’t been invaded for a thousand years and we needed to get out of the EU before we were. He knew he was right because everyone kept saying he was wrong.

Then Rees-Mogg took the microphone. At the sight of the man who has yet to grow into the suit which was made for him long before he was born, many in the audience started to quiver. He is their voice. Their talisman. And he didn’t disappoint. Rumours that he was softening towards May’s deal were wide of the mark. Unless the backstop was removed, he would remain implacable. But things were turning his way. The very fact that the EU had said it wasn’t prepared to give way on the backstop was definitive proof it was about to give way.

But nothing could be taken for granted. And if Yvette Cooper’s amendment to extend article 50 was passed then the Queen should be driven from Sandringham to prorogue parliament. Though preferably not by Prince Philip. Government by parliament was an affront to democracy. If Brexit had meant anything it had been a vote for totalitarianism. Led by Comrade Jacob. Vive la revolution!

There was just one problem with suspending parliament. How would anyone know the difference?