The Apprentice Season 14 opener: We've lost Sarah's lips, but we've gained an octopus
At last, Britain’s funniest sitcom returns for a new series.
Don’t be fooled by those people that insist The Apprentice a reality show to find the nation’s finest entrepreneurs. If these were real managers and executives the UK’s economy would be…
Oh. Wait.
“We’re gonna beat the girls because they’re gonna be too busy worrying about their makeup, their hair..” you can’t make this stuff up uno #TheApprentice pic.twitter.com/cQwKDbnHiR
— Aa (@GiantWomxn) October 3, 2018
If The Apprentice ever were a serious business competition, it’s collapsed into self-parody right now. From the gently self-mocking voiceover to the candidates’ overcooked ‘mission statements’ everything is played for laughs.
Someone calling themselves ‘The Beyoncé of business’ is one thing but if anyone seriously said “I’m an extremist, my goal is world domination” on TV they’d have the SAS crashing through their skylight before Lord Sugar handed out the first task.
It’s Dad Joke Time
After the various ‘machines’ and ‘nut enthusiasts’ have given us their best gags, it’s time for Lord Sugar’s stand-up set.
Me when someone says they don’t like #TheApprentice 🤷🏼♀️ pic.twitter.com/IFbJ006WiU
— Meg (@MegsGoPro) October 3, 2018
All the Apprentice candidates are required by law to chuckle at The Human Scotch Egg’s dad jokes and tortured metaphors. But they don’t go on too long, thank goodness, and we’re soon off to Malta.
Scavenger Hunt
Despite apparently being the most ambitious people on the planet, no-one on the girls’ team – it doesn’t seem to have a name so we’ll call it ‘Team Fractious’ – wants to be Project Manager and somehow Jasmine ends up grabbing the poisoned chalice.
By contrast Kayode very much wanted to be the Project Manager for the team we’ll be calling Team Hubris.
Hang on a minute. When do they choose the team name?? #TheApprentice
— Andy Stark (@andymstark) October 3, 2018
The first challenge was to decipher the cryptic instructions from Lord Sugar. Is this The Apprentice or 3-2-1? And is it an actual rule that they can’t Google the answers or have they just got the show mixed up with a pub quiz? Again?
Just how stretchy is an octopus? ‘Very,’ apparently.
‘Enjoy your antiques’
There’s a stroke of luck for Team Hubris early doors when they’re looking for a ghonnella. It’s an antique, apparently.
As luck would have it, some of the guys are just outside an antique shop. And everyone knows antique shops always stock every kind of antique.
Meanwhile, Team Fractious are on the trail of a ‘filigree boat.’ There something of a language barrier, but they fall back on that classic traveller’s ploy: saying everything a bit LOUDER and more S L O W L Y.
WE ARE LOOKING FOR UNNI COMB
UNNI. COMB. #TheApprentice pic.twitter.com/uHRCz6fe18
— Stacey Farnell (@bigstace9) October 3, 2018
Well, if they’re not good at languages, maybe maths is their thing. How many packets of salt make a kilogram? Five? Forty? Definitely some!
Still, they score win of the day – buying the world’s tiniest blind for a Euro.
Popping out for an octopus
Meanwhile, Team Hubris are at the fishmongers’.
Alex says “Let’s not go in looking like a bunch of idiots.” That’s easier said than done, if your next question is going to be “have you got an octopus with a forty-foot hose?”
“I’ll give you an octopus with a 40-inch hose, you pompadoured pillocks” #TheApprentice pic.twitter.com/jLHcwb8Dbu
— Philip Cunnington (@Rilthy) October 3, 2018
Still. It’s a less comical prospect than trying to haggle in a supermarket. Try that in your local Asda. Oh. Apparently Kayode has.
He just got a single cent off in that negotiation? #TheApprentice pic.twitter.com/Q0CVkWUfCC
— Robert Russell (@RobRussell94) October 3, 2018
Bus fare home
Both teams’ expeditions end in failure, but Team Hubris are still somehow delighted. Although Alex has the self-awareness to observe “We’re the better of the two losers.”
I’m sorry I’m not middle class and posh. #TheApprentice pic.twitter.com/yQKZqcs8jl
— Stewart (@StewForsyth) October 3, 2018
Over at Team Fractious it’s all recriminations. Jasmine is trying to defend her decisions but that’s not helped by the fact that she can’t quite say ‘decision.’
The most fractious member of Team Fractious is the one to go. That’s a shame. Former Shameless and Hollyoaks actress Sarah is so easily-offended she could have provided us with weeks of entertainment.
Plus, Twitter was really enjoying her lips.
Sarah is in trouble this week. Not only with them lips #TheApprentice pic.twitter.com/yucl115Zpo
— M I K E . L Ⓜ (@MikeALines) October 3, 2018