April Fool's day is usually only observed by children, that 'really hilarious' person in your office and journalists who have to write about it.
And of course, the people in charge of press for large companies, who spend the days before April Fool's sending over weird, wonderful and sometimes tiresome press releases.
In a time of fake news as well as weird and wonderful real news, you'd be forgiven for thinking some of these were real.
We have taken the liberty of sifting through all the press releases and other news sources for you to find the best ones, and we'll be updating the page throughout the morning of April 1st as new stories come in - send any tips through to firstname.lastname@example.org.
New 'urban' camouflage for British Army
If soldiers are deployed in built up areas, wouldn't it make sense to make them look like bricks?
No, seriously though, wouldn't it?
No. It would not.
"Developed in secret with some of the UK's biggest homebuilders and fashion houses," says British Forces News, "UP camo is designed to give British troops the advantage when fighting in built-up areas such as European towns and cities.
"Depending on where troops are deployed they'll be issued with either Brick, Stone or Pebble Dash clothing, kit and body armour."
All the taste of Coke, all the fun of inhaling a helium balloon and speaking with a squeaky voice.
"By carbonating Coca-Cola Classic with a small shot of helium," they say, "the drink alters vocal cords by allowing sound to travel faster, and makes them more responsive to high-frequency sounds. This creates the squeaky high-pitched effect on the drinker’s voice."
Coke spokeswoman (Cokeswoman?) Kate Miller said: “We’re delighted to be launching Coca-Cola Helium this year – it really inflates our range of drinks and lifts our fans spirits. Popularity of Coca-Cola continues to balloon and this new variant is set to be a flyaway success.”
Train ticket tattoos
Are you still using paper train tickets, like some hopelessly trapped-in-the-past luddite?
Well, now, says Virgin Trains, customers can get their train ticket permanently tattooed on their body, thanks to the magic of Tick-Ink.
John Sullivan, Chief Innovation Officer at Virgin Trains, says: “We receive hundreds of calls from customers about missing or misplaced season tickets every year and we wanted to provide people with a clever way of always having their ticket on them. What better way than to have it permanently tattooed on their body?”
It's like Google Home, Google's new AI speaker, only it's a Gnome and it lives in your garden. It's Google Gnome.
Royal Mint to introduce 99p coins
Uk to introduce 99p coin to help phase out copper coinshttps://t.co/PoZWLwPcdu— Liverpool Echo (@LivEchonews) 1 April 2017
David Attenborough to front new Grime documentary
About time, to be honest.
Brand new and exclusive to BBC Three. pic.twitter.com/7nBdbn0g7b— BBC Three (@bbcthree) April 1, 2017
Delightful a prospect though this would undoubtedly be, no-one's actually going to fall for this one, are they?
Oh, hang on. Stormzy* did.
Ahh I all sent @bbcthree some long DM just slewing them. public apology guys sorry ��— #GSAP (@Stormzy1) April 1, 2017
(*For our older readers, Stormzy is very much the Grime** doyen of the moment.)
(**For our older readers, Grime is... oh, never mind.)
To be filed under 'April Fool's stories a large number of people will wish were true'.
“Pleased to announce our brand new Flight Size 100ml Tennent’s cans are now available at all good Scottish airports. Ideally shaped and sized for your hand luggage. Quantity must fit inside one of those wee transparent bags, mind... Thank us later.”
Iceland introduces frozen flowers
A simple April Fool idea, nicely executed. Seven out of 10.
St Pancras ditches John Betjeman statue, replaces it with John Legend
Earlier this week John Legend, the 10-time Grammy-winning recording artist, brought a bit of glamour to St Pancras in London when he sat down and played at the piano in the station, performing a brief impromptu set for a small crowd of passers-by.
To mark the occasion St Pancras International says it has commissioned a 1.75-metre-high bronze statue of Legen to replace the current bronze figure of poet Sir John Betjeman on the station’s Grand Terrace.
Third class train carriages to return
And they're standing-only, reports The i.
Third class standing-only train carriages reintroduced to ease overcrowding https://t.co/YbPpweFFoW— i newspaper (@theipaper) April 1, 2017
"Ministers have drawn up secret proposals to allow rail companies to strip seating from up to three carriages per train as franchise operators struggle to cope with burgeoning demands on Britain’s creaking rail infrastructure and rising customer dissatisfaction," writes the paper's Cahil Milmo.
"The introduction of standing-only carriages is understood not to affect passengers’ right to make completely unnecessary phone calls, or bring the largest suitcases they can find onto crowded commuter transport."
University of Dundee to offer Penguin Studies MSc
OK, not the most outlandish of offerings here - surely there are lots of people already studying penguins in the name of science.
However, a closer look at the course contents reveals this too-good-to-be-true nugget: "Each student will receive one adult penguin to raise over the year."
Plus one of the listed course modules is: "Penguinese – the language of penguins."
Bravo, Dundee University. Bravo.
UK to withdraw from Eurovision
Pink News gives a knowing nod to the UK's withdrawal from the European Union with the arguably more shocking revelation that the UK will also be pulling out of the Eurovision Song Contest!
UK to withdraw from Eurovision, BBC announces https://t.co/EI3LIy84Gy— PinkNews (@PinkNews) April 1, 2017
"PinkNews understands that the withdrawal will come into effect in the first few months of 2019, meaning the UK will have just two more shots at the trophy," claims the LGBT+ news org.
"Plans are afoot for Scotland to compete by itself."
Whose to say the normally-somber funeral industry can't join in with the gaiety of April Fool's Day?
Not Funeralbooker, the online funeral price-comparison service, who've just sent us this press release for the 'UK’s first home cremation service.'
"The innovative new DIY cremation service aims to set the funeral industry alight," they say, (and yes, we see what they did there), "by allowing families to bid loved ones a warm farewell from the comfort of their own home."
For £299.99, so they say, you can hire this 'domicinerator', and burn the remains of your recently deceased loved one from the comfort of your own back garden.
Ah ha. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha. Death.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle married?
The Daily Mail's gone all-out with these "exclusive pictures" from Harry and Meghan's secret $300 wedding in Las Vegas. Although, had they really done this, we'd like to think Harry would have had the good sense to hire an Elvis impersonator to do the job properly:
Royal Albert Hall to celebrate the greatest tweets ever written
OK, this one is pretty good. The Royal Albert Hall has *cough* announced an evening dubbed Tweets Live, at which celebrities will be recreating their greatest tweets.
"The evening will kick off with an emotional reading of the first ever Tweet, composed by Twitter co-founder Jack Dorsey and performed by actor Toby Jones
"A whole host of other famous faces are already lined up to perform, including Richard Gere, Richard Herring and Richard Osman, while the Hall is particularly happy to welcome back Sir Michael Caine, who will be joined by a string quartet to perform his 2012 classic:
"Ed Balls Day founder Ed Balls will also take to the world’s most famous stage to read ‘Ed Balls’, the widely-shared Tweet composed by Ed Balls, which inspired the first ever Ed Balls Day:"
Meh-Mite - the new, blander Marmite that's impossible to love or hate
Nice, nice, can see what you did there Marmite. It's immediately recognisable as an April Fool, ties in with established brand messaging, and is nowhere near as pleased with itself as some of the other insufferable nonsense on this page. We give this April Fool six out of ten.
Simon Cowell's son to get his own Golden Buzzer on Britain's Got Talent
Big showbiz scoop here from the Sun's Bizarre editor Dan Wooton, who reports that Eric Cowell, Simon's three-year-old son, will be putting one act straight through to the semi-finals in the forthcoming series of Britain's Got Talent.
The Beano to drop words in favour of emojis
Kids these days have no need for conventional words put together using the boring old alphabet. Get with the programme oldies - it's all about emojis these days.
England Rugby Sevens squad trains with ostrich eggs
Well of course they do.
England captain Tom Mitchell says: “We’ve been training with the ostrich eggs for a couple of months now after the coaches hatched a plan to help us improve for the rest of the season.
"We’re always looking for ways to improve and this one example of how we can hopefully achieve this in the World Series.”
Second chalk figure discovered near Uffington White Horse
The National Trust claims that experts have discovered a second ancient work of art close to the famous White Horse - and this one's a duck:
New jobs for George Osborne
In the wake of recent unexpected news that George Osborne is to be the new editor of the Evening Standard, the Guardian reveals he has yet another iron in the fire - he's planning to launch his own clothing line:
In a letter to the House of Commons authorities, seen by the Guardian, Osborne told the advisory committee on business appointments that his new fashion firm would design “high-quality, hi-visibility industrial garments aimed at the multitasking CEO”.
His ideal client, he said, would be someone who “takes note of fashion while taking care of business”.
The firm has been registered at Companies House with the name “Georgio”.
By Georgio! Osborne takes new job as fashion designer https://t.co/MG0bZywuH5— The Guardian (@guardian) 1 April 2017
It's not just the Guardian having fun at the former chancellor's expense this morning:
Amazon Echo - for pets!
Now, wouldn't this be nice if it were true - which it clearly isn't. Amazon claims to have updated its Alexa personal assistant to make it compatible for pets.
Introducing Petlexa! The Petlexa feature allows dogs, cats, and other animals to communicate with Alexa just like you do. The Petlexa feature gives pets the freedom to place orders from Amazon, and to activate smart home enabled toys.
This one is quite amoo-sing
This story was sent to us by Rodda’s Clotted Cream, who said: "Rodda’s Clotted Cream has set a new precedent with local Cornish milk farmers, by setting contractual standards about the length of the grass used to feed their cows.
"The creamery, which commences direct milk contracts with local farming families within a 30 mile radius tomorrow (1st April), has discovered that the optimum grass blade length in grazing fields is 25cm.
"This precise measurement will help cows produce the highest possible milk quality for making the perfect clotted cream. Dedicated farmers will now measure the grass each time their herd goes out to graze."
Paddy Power to stage seahorse race
The gambling firm roped in champion jockey Ruby Walsh to add credibility to claims they're sponsoring a new event which, they say, "features all the thrills of normal horse racing, but underwater". We hope he was well paid.
Krispy Kreme changing their name for confused Brits
This one is quite a weak joke, but some people actually fell for it, including the Metro who have now changed their article. A screenshot of the archived version is below.
They said that the name was being changed to 'Cream' in the UK in order to help 'confused' Brits who did not know how to spell it.
Domino's letterbox warmer
This one isn't easy to fall for - as how would you get your post if there was always a pizza warmer at your letterbox?
The pizza chain said: "The ‘Door-minos’ invention is a must for anyone who wants pizza waiting for them when they get home from a long working day or big night out – or for those who just don’t like answering the door. It is set to be rolled out nationwide from this Saturday 1 April. "
Fed up of smashed avocado? Here is an 'authentic immersive greasy spoon experience'
Here is the copy-and-pasted press release below.
Tickets for Fry Up!, an “immersive theatrical dining experience" based on the traditional greasy spoon, will go on sale today, 1st April. For one week only, Fry Up! - based at arts venue The Vaults, Waterloo - will transport visitors into a traditional East London “caff” with all the trimmings: formica tables, plastic chairs, tomato-shaped ketchup bottles, salt and pepper sachets, Mother's Pride and mugs of builder’s tea.
The brainchild of Kieron Vanstone, Director of The Vaults, the idea for the pop-up formed after a meeting in his local café. Vanstone realised there was a gap in the market for a true, London café experience.
Vanstone says: "As I was eating my smashed avocado on sourdough toast, with a double-shot, soya flat white, I realised I was craving something altogether simpler. That’s when it came to me – why not celebrate the greasy spoon?
“The greasy spoon is an iconic part of British culture and a dying breed which should be championed. So we have created an immersive theatrical dining experience that will take Londoners and tourists alike back to basics, celebrating the joy of a natter over a cuppa and a full English.”
Customers to Fry Up! will have the chance to sample traditional English breakfast fare - white toast, fried eggs, sausages, chips, bacon and baked beans - whilst also having the opportunity to try their hands at playing the role of cafe owner, waiting staff and kitchen porter.
Vanstone continues: “Audiences will be as immersed as they like, interacting as customers or being able to cook and serve their meal themselves. There’s even a pair of bespoke marigolds for the finale!”
Londoner Henry Jones says: "I'm really excited that Fry Up! is opening not too far from where I live. I've wanted to try out a traditional greasy spoon ever since I moved to London in 2012 but, with the rise of hipster cafes and the gluten-free Swedish cinnamon bun trend, I don't feel like I've had the chance to have the genuine experience. I will definitely be in the queue for Fry Up!."
Whopper toothpaste and Subway ice cream
Burger King and Subway both went for the 'ha ha imagine if savoury food was a sweet food or a toothpaste' approach.
Here is what the good people at Burger King had to say: "The iconic burger: the WHOPPER® from BURGER KING® is so generous and tasty, that its fans would do anything to make its unique flame grilled beef taste last longer.
"To keep the tasty flavours lasting longer, BURGER KING® has created WHOPPER TOOTHPASTE TM, the first toothpaste with active WHOPPER® extracts.
"BURGER KING® and agency Buzzman teamed up with experts to reproduce the iconic flavour of the WHOPPER® and combine it with active ingredients for optimal teeth and gum hygiene."
And Subway: "On 1 April 2017, the SUBWAY® brand is launching their first ever ice cream range… inspired by the nation’s most love Subs. The savoury SUBZero range is available in these three delicious flavours for a limited time only:
- Meatball Marinara
- Chicken Tikka
Groupon launches Gin spa experience - the ultimate way for gin lovers to relax
"Groupon is offering gin lovers the ultimate spa experience, the Gin Sauna. Instead of regular steam, the water used is infused with a high quality gin, containing botanicals including coriander seeds, orrit root and cassia bark.
"The Gin Sauna has been designed to help customers relax and get squiffy."
Introducing the world's first hot tub for birds
Press release below. Complete with bad bird puns.
Guarantee your feathered friends aviary good time with Wilko’s brand new Hot Tub for Birds – the ideal garden accessory for bird lovers looking for a modern upgrade to the traditional bird bath.
Complete with mini-jets for a truly relaxing spa(rrow) experience, this is the perfect way to attract beautiful British birds into your garden and allow them to play, splash and wash. The flow of bubbles mean it will never freeze in cold weather, offering fresh drinking water all year round - creating an eye-catching centrepiece for any outdoor space.
Big enough to make sure your garden birds are never left owl by themselves and that it never gets hawk-ward, this bubblicious hot tub is sure to attract birds in their flocks.
Priced at an affordable £25, plans are already underway to release a bird-friendly bubble bath later this year – the ultimate pampering for your feathered friends.
Neil Fairhurst, Pet Buyer at Wilko, commented: “We’ve got a soft spot for wild birds here at Wilko and know our customers love to make the most of their outdoor space to encourage natural wildlife into their gardens. Hot tubs are the centrepiece for many British gardens, but why should they be reserved for humans? Birds deserve bubbles, too!”
A Dinosaur rampage across London
This PR company, promoting new animatronic dinosaur experience Jurassic Kingdom made a bit of an effort here.
They lugged animatronic dinosaurs around London in order to confuse and frighten tourists.
Honda launches in-car dating app
Honda has today announced the launch of a new in-car dating app that helps drivers find love at the wheel. The H-Swipe app connects to an innovative digital windscreen and interactive directional ‘s-wipers’, and uses geolocation technology to pinpoint the nearest potential dating candidate. The driver then uses the windscreen wipers to swipe left or right, either accepting or rejecting and moving on to the next eligible suitor.
Set to be unveiled in the UK this summer as part of Honda’s latest model, the new technology is a world first and can only be activated when the car is stationary, whether that’s when drivers are stopped at traffic lights, in a parking space, driveway or car park.
With research* revealing that 80 per cent of millennials struggle to find time to look for love thanks to on-the-go lifestyles, romance-seeking drivers will now be able to download the ‘H-Swipe’ app directly to their dashboard, offering a unique in-car experience helping them hit the accelerator in the realm of online dating.
Jōdan de Eipurirufūru, Future Opportunity Occupational Lead, says, “We know how much time people spend in the car daily so we thought…why not use this as another opportunity to find your perfect match! We’re also extremely passionate about innovation at Honda, and H-Swipe, is the next step in offering our customers unrivalled experiences that fit into their busy lifestyles”.
A variation of this comes around every year. However, here is their press release:
Forever late for work? Struggle to get up in the mornings? Hit the snooze button more times than you can count (sheep)? You need the new 4You Ejector Bed! Inspired by Wallace and Gromit’s classic invention, this new release from online lifestyle and furniture retailer Cuckooland features a spring loaded mattress mechanism that is linked to your alarm clock, and can be programmed to spring into action after 5, 15, or 30 seconds. Choose where you land – it could be right in front of your wardrobe ready to select the day's outfit, at your bathroom door, or (for the truly adventurous!) why not take a leaf out of Wallace’s book and install a trap door for access straight to your breakfast table!*
*Trapdoor installation available for an additional charge, subject to architectural consultation, safety evaluation and adequate landing provision.
A fake sea creature - verified by BBC presenter
Marine wildlife charity ORCA say: "BBC TV wildlife expert Michaela Strachan and marine wildlife charity ORCA have confirmed the existence of a sea creature sporadically spotted in the Newcastle area - the Northern Tusked Porpoise, long considered a myth since the sightings began in 2009.
"The pink-hued porpoise is the first of its kind to be captured on film and was spotted in the Port of Tyne in Newcastle by a passenger on a DFDS ferry."