How to be a better listener

We’re fast losing the art of good listening. Most of us are guilty of “phubbing” (interrupting conversations to answer our phones) and texting people in the same room rather than speaking to them directly.

This is a shame, because when you rely primarily on electronics to communicate, not only do you miss out on all sorts of non-verbal information, you also fail to register any lasting emotional connection with the person you’re contacting. 

The amygdala – that part of our brain involved in processing emotion and making us feel valued by others – only registers facts from screens. You’ll notice a fleeting good feeling because you’ve been contacted, but no lasting sense of connection. It’s no wonder rates of loneliness are at their highest levels ever.

The cure for feelings of isolation is simple, but it requires discipline. 

Start by resolving every day to engage at least one other person in a face-to-face conversation. Ask questions more often than you offer opinions, and listen fully to what they have to say. 

Second, always consider a conversation to be a ‘standalone’ activity. If you try to do other things at the same time – if, for example, you continue to glance at your screen even though you insist you’re still listening – the person speaking to you will know they’re no longer your top priority. Furthermore, because your brain is constantly switching attention between these two different activities, you won’t be able to take in fully what you’re being told.

Your vague responses will reflect that inattention; numerous studies have shown that when we listen to new information while also doing something else, what we hear is encoded in a way that makes it harder to re-organise that information and then reflect on it. You’re also less likely to remember what was said, thus reinforcing the other person’s sense of unimportance if they ask you to recall that conversation later. 

Try not to jump in with your own experiences or opinions, even if they seem relevant. If you do, the other person will feel you’re only thinking about yourself rather than valuing what they’re telling you.

Never say: “I know how you feel”; you don’t. No one knows exactly how anyone else is feeling, and to say so is to demean the importance of both the speaker and what they’re trying to convey.

Finally, permit silences. If you can sit quietly, just considering what’s been said or waiting patiently for the other person to carry on, you’ll create a calm and welcoming atmosphere. You’re also showing the other person how comfortable you are simply spending time with them, whether or not they have something to say right then.  

Setting aside time to practice what was once referred to as “the art of conversation” will repay you richly. Just ten minutes a day, perhaps when sharing a meal or taking a work break, is a surprisingly powerful way to banish feelings of loneliness and allow others to feel more valued.

• Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist and author of Siblings: How to Handle Rivalry and Create Lifelong Loving Bonds. To order for £10.99, call 0844 871 1514 or visit books.telegraph.co.uk