But Bobby, it’s cold outside

Robert Jenrick's glacial delivery made it sound like he was waiting for lines from his handlers
Robert Jenrick’s glacial delivery made it sound like he was waiting for lines from his handlers - GB News/PA

The final episode of the 1990s US sitcom Dinosaurs features the anthropomorphic dinosaur puppets debating their future while the Ice Age dawns outside their home, setting up the inevitability of their deaths. One character optimistically observes that they’ve been around for so long that it’s impossible for them to go extinct.

Totally unrelated on Thursday night in Westminster, members of another seemingly permanent feature of our own political landscape - the Conservative and Unionist Party - were debating their future in front of a gaggle of party members. The small audience size lent it the feeling of a barely quorate EGM for a local bowls club.

The two candidates tossed a coin, with Kemi calling tails and losing. Jenrick backed the corners of his mouth into the sides of his face in the approximation of a smile. All done up in his suit, he looked like he was there for school photo day.

Kemi Badenoch lost the opening toss, but her fighting talk brought a win on the clapometer
Kemi Badenoch lost the opening toss, but her fighting talk brought a win on the clapometer - GB News/PA

Jenrick had clearly been coached to leave enormous pauses between each word to give a sense of gravity to his appearance. Arguably a different haircut would have been more effective, not least because the mode of delivery made it sound like he was waiting for lines from his handlers, or that he was a Furby running low on battery.

Jenrick’s opening remarks led heavily on his pledge to leave the ECHR. “It’s leave or remain”, he told the members, a bold move given that the last time that question was asked it ripped the Tory party in two. A smattering of polite claps from the audience suggested some of them had long memories.

The excellent Christopher Hope kept on bringing up awkward facts about the last 14 years: “£18 million a day on hotels for illegal migrants”, he proffered midway through a carefully cultivated Jenrick speech. “It’s a disgrace, Chris”, Jenrick spluttered. If only he could get his hands on the guy responsible, eh!

Still, the audience’s questions landed well for Jenrick; favourite topics like attracting young people to the party, a question about the weekly “hate marches”, which set up an easy swipe at Two-Tier Keir. Asked to say what he thought was Kemi’s biggest weakness, he refused and said he loved her.

Jenrick’s barbs were more subtle. His regular refrain was “end the drama”, the argument being that far too many Tory Cabinet ministers had spent the last government indulging in personal vendettas and distracting, headline-grabbing outbursts. Who, pray, would he possibly be referring to?

Kemi Badenoch was asked very early on about reports of her difficult reputation by Christopher Hope. She got probably the biggest laugh of the night when she asked the audience: “How many of you believe what you read in The Guardian?” Further big claps followed for her promise to fight for Conservatives when the fight was brought to her.

Her consistent theme was that actually thinking about policy and planning was better than diving in. The next election, she said, was not about making grand promises and waiting for the other side to lose, like Labour had done – “we can see where that’s got them”. (What, an absolutely enormous majority?)

This proved popular with the audience – indeed she seemed to be the winner on the clapometer alone – but rather points to the implicit fact that the Tories seem to think they’re going to have quite a long time thinking before they get another chance at doing.

Indeed, this fact was underlying the whole evening’s debate. “One in six of our voters won’t be alive at the next election” Jenrick told the audience during his answers, to nervous laughter. Meanwhile outside the room, the Ice Age worsened.