The 'chat': how to talk to kids about porn

“How on earth do I talk to my teenage son or daughter about pornography?” is one of the most angst-ridden questions of our times – perhaps even up there with “when are we finally going to leave the European Union?”

I know this from personal experience. Over the past five years I’ve spoken with around 40,000 teenagers in schools across the UK about staying safe in the era of internet porn. I've also faced endless school halls, packed with concerned parents who have asked me this precise question.

The thorny issue is tackled brilliantly in a new Channel 4 TV show, Mums Make Porn, which charts five middle-aged, middle class mums who were so distraught by the porn their teenage children were watching, they took the novel step of making their own, more instructive X-rated movie that promoted a more healthy attitude towards sex and relationships.

One of the mums, Sarah, 40, from North Wales, was left in tears after watching rape-based porn: “If that was the first time I’d seen anything about sex I’d be petrified. I just thought all of a sudden that I was going to throw up”.

Naturally, calling “lights, camera, erection!” is a touch too off-piste for most parents. So, back to the grim question: how do you talk about porn?

First, to quote Dad’s Army: “don’t panic!” While it’s true that in the internet age, seriously hardcore porn is routinely displayed alongside more traditional offerings, it’s not the case that most teens are routinely watching it, let alone reenacting its violence in real life.

I know this, as in 2013 I fronted my own TV show for Channel 4, called Porn On The Brain. Working with 23 young lads who felt addicted to  porn, via a world-first MRA brain scan study at Cambridge university, we watched their brains as they watched porn, and then helped them shake their vice. I also interviewed the world’s foremost experts – sexual psychologists treating these youngsters, visionary educators and the criminologists working with sexual offenders – to gauge what role porn played.

While the overriding majority of young people who watch porn will never end up needing psychological help, the sobering reality is this: today’s kids are immersed in porn. When the Home Office gave me clearance to ask British children aged 12-16 if they’d ever seen porn, 93pc of boys and 66pc of girls said they had by age 16.

That was in 2013. Today, it’s even higher. Across scores of schools, I’ve asked “hands up if you’ve never seen any porn?” and a smattering of arms sheepishly rise in the air. From the UK’s most elite boys’ and girls schools, to those behind razor wire on estates, the situation is the same. This is not other people’s children. It’s all of our children.

So, how do you instigate that toe-curling conversation with your teen? First, use any media stimulus to kick-start it – such as Mums Make Porn. While flicking through the Telegraph TV section, why not read out, “Good God, a bunch of mums were so concerned about the porn their children were watching, they made their own sex education video!”

Then watch your child squirm, or blush, or cry “eeeeuuuuugggh!” Then perhaps add: “Still, it says here most teens are watching porn. I guess we can't stop that. But we can challenge what it teaches us”.

Now you're on a roll. “Even I’ve seen porn," you can say. "It was all hay bales and big moustaches back in my day…" Pause. "Look, I know this is embarrassing, but if you ever see anything on the internet that disturbs you, you can talk to me about it, OK? Anyway, what do you want for tea?”

Children need to know they are pushing at an open door. You don’t need to go into grim details; and you certainly do not need to watch porn with them (one of my porn addicts began his journey through exactly this trauma). Just let them know that you're available to talk about what porn means.

I’ve spent time in porn rehab (as an observer, I hasten to add) and have worked with lots of men and women who feel addicted to porn, and none of them came from households where an open, judgement-free conversation or mood prevailed. Instead, their parents fell broadly into two camps. First, the total libertarians – “here’s a laptop, go to your room”. Secondly, the fire and brimstone brigade – “watch porn and you’ll burn in Hell!”

And yes, that second camp included strict religious households, of all denominations. Creating forbidden fruits didn’t work for Adam and Eve, and it sure as heck won’t work in the internet era. Which brings me to the issue of barriers and blocks. Next month, the government is bringing in compulsory age checks to keep under-18s off porn websites. Already, £5 instant access cards are available, and it doesn’t take a genius to work out that is rife for abuse.

Technology may have got us into this mess, but it can’t be relied upon to get us out of it. Teenagers are going to find a way to watch porn whatever the barriers put in place, so the onus is on you to help them deal with the environment they live in.  Having a healthy, open, and frank chat with your child about porn – sparing the lurid details – might feel like your worst nightmare. But it could be the best thing you ever do.

Or if you can’t face it, why not arrange for me to go to your child’s school? Then you’ll have the perfect way in to the defining conversation of our times.

You can contact Martin via Twitter on @MartinDaubney