Chrissy Teigen has opened up about losing her baby and explained why she wanted to share pictures from her devastating time in hospital.
The TV personality and cookbook author announced she and husband John Legend had lost their son, a boy named Jack, late last month.
Chrissy was praised for sharing heart-rending photographs from the hospital, including one showing her and her husband saying goodbye to the baby
In a candid new blog post, Chrissy said Jack was delivered at 20 weeks and addressed critics who questioned why she took photographs at such a painful moment.
She wrote: “I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time.”
Chrissy, who is also mother to four-year-old daughter Luna and two-year-old son Miles, added: “But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.”
And directly addressing critics of the pictures, she wrote: “I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done.
“I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we’ve never felt before. We were never able to stop the bleeding and give our baby the fluids he needed, despite bags and bags of blood transfusions. It just wasn’t enough. . . We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital. But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack. So he will always be Jack to us. Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever. . . To our Jack - I’m so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn’t give you the home you needed to survive. We will always love you. . . Thank you to everyone who has been sending us positive energy, thoughts and prayers. We feel all of your love and truly appreciate you. . . We are so grateful for the life we have, for our wonderful babies Luna and Miles, for all the amazing things we’ve been able to experience. But everyday can’t be full of sunshine. On this darkest of days, we will grieve, we will cry our eyes out. But we will hug and love each other harder and get through it.
A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on
The US star had suffered heavy bleeding during her pregnancy and had been put on bed rest by doctors.
She said she spent a “couple nights” at the hospital when doctors told her it was time to say goodbye to Jack, warning she may not survive the pregnancy if it continued.
Describing the moment it was “time to let go,” she said: “I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
Recalling the moments following Jack’s delivery, Chrissy wrote: “I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour.
“I dunno how long he had been waiting to be delivered for. That will probably always haunt me. Just writing it makes my nose and eyes tingle with tears. All I know now is his ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind.”
Chrissy, who tied the knot with multi-award-winning singer John in 2013, thanked fans for their outpouring of support, saying the “moments of kindness have been nothing short of beautiful”.
She also asked others to share their stories of similar experiences and called for people to “be kind to those pouring their hearts out”.
“I went to a store where the checkout lady quietly added flowers to my cart,” she said. “Sometimes people will approach me with a note. The worst part is knowing there are so many women that won’t get these quiet moments of joy from strangers. I beg you to please share your stories and to please be kind to those pouring their hearts out. Be kind in general, as some won’t pour them out at all.”
Finishing the blog post, Chrissy explained why she shared it with fans and said: “I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”
Useful websites and helplines:
Sands works to support anyone affected by the death of a baby.
Tommy’s fund research into miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth, and provide pregnancy health information to parents.
Saying Goodbye offers support for anyone who has suffered the loss of a baby during pregnancy, at birth or in infancy.
This article originally appeared on HuffPost UK and has been updated.