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The ten REAL rules on how to be a good commuter

For years I – like millions of others - have suffered abuse from fellow commuters on the Tube.

On a daily basis, Londoners can expect to sit (if we’re lucky) beside either a passenger with noise-leaking headphones (usually Apple ones), someone dining on a doner kebab, a man arrogantly spreading his legs, a yell-talking teenager, or – worse than any of these - an American tourist.

Having to wait behind someone standing on the left-hand side of the escalator (and ignoring the “stand to the right” sign) also makes me want to pull my hair out.

Beyond that, I have occasionally been shouted at or witnessed someone else being harassed or threatened with violence by someone who clearly hasn’t evolved much.

At times, such experiences have made me yearn to own a death ray or provide some other form of comeuppance for these thoughtless passengers who make our lives hell.

I was, therefore, heartened when I read about the HR executive who was told to “go f*** yourself” by a commuter - and then hours later interviewed this thug for a job.

Matt Buckland, who naturally declined to offer the cretin a position after being abused at Monument station in the City, later tweeted and described the situation as “karma”.

Karma indeed, but sadly instant justice episodes such as this almost never happen – and, to be honest, I wouldn’t really advocate vigilantism.

But there are a few good rules to abide by if you want to be a good commuter – and I’m not talking about Transport for London’s lame Conditions of Carriage.

So here are the real rules:

1. No talking at all times. Nothing you say will be of interest to anyone else in the carriage. And, if you are Romanian, UKIP voters may be uncomfortable hearing your native language being spoken.

2. Tut at anyone who fails to slap down their Oyster card and pass through the barriers without breaking their stride. Having to watch an ill-prepared passenger fumble around in their pockets for their travel pass will only foster rage further down the line.

3. Baby on Board badges are there for a reason – they are to stop you being called fat. So take one if you are pregnant. They are also essential if you want someone to give up their seat for you. After all, talking (see rule 1) is a no-go.

4. If you see someone struggling at the bottom of stairs with a pram, help them. It could be you one day.

5. Eating sweets is fine. But crisps are too noisy. I have learned this lesson the hard way after being glared at for five minutes by an irate theatregoer, who finally shouted at my wife after I continued crunching through a bag of cheese and onion. Hot meals, such as the aforementioned kebabs as well as burgers and fried chicken, are also offensive.

6. Never listen to music. There is no guarantee that there will not be leakage from your headphones. If you struggle with the concept of this annoyance, try enduring Chinese water torture and it will give you some idea of how your drum and base might sound to others. Here in Britain, we read newspapers – so read one. There are free ones handed out at most Tube stations, so there is no excuse. Reading on phones is also acceptable.

7. Seats are for people, not bags. Expect to be glared at or (quietly) tutted at if you flout this rule.

8. Do not lean your whole body against the pole in the middle of the train. It is unfair to force your fellow passengers to surf. But, by all means, surf if you have the talent.

9. Tut at rude commuters who push their way on to the train before all the people who want to get off have stepped on to the platform. Barging on is not only impolite, but it actually slows down the transfer of passengers.

10. Do not idle when exiting the carriage. If we are to have civil order – and discourage those who wish to barge on before everyone has got off – I recommend treating alighting (as the Underground announcers like to say) like a race.

Now go forth and be proper passengers!