Congratulations, William and Kate – you can afford a third child
Congratulations to the royal couple on three levels. First, by so spectacularly timing the birth of the baby boy with Saint George’s Day, a happy convergence that will cause patriotic English hearts to soar. Alas, as the family already have a George, another fitting name will have to be sought: perhaps A historical Imperial Nostalgia Windsor could work?
The Duchess of Cambridge is also lucky to have escaped the centuries-old tradition of home secretaries being present at the births of royal babies, to prevent Catholic interloper babies from sneaking into the monarchal bloodline. Mercifully, this practice ended shortly before Prince Charles’s birth, so Amber Rudd could continue to concentrate on the Windrush scandal she and Theresa May birthed, rather than spending hours concentrating on a dilating cervix.
Finally, the couple will be lucky to escape the two-child policy on benefits, given their unique and expansive deal to fund their lifestyle through the public purse. The sovereign grant pays for their accommodation in Kensington Palace, official overseas trips are paid for by the Foreign Office and the majority of their income comes from the Duchy of Cornwall, a huge plot of land bunged to the monarchy centuries ago.
The number of children you have should not be dictated by the government, and certainly not through policies that undeniably punish children simply for being born poor, in a country with vast wealth inequalities and increasingly insecure employment. But it’s worth pointing out that religious beliefs around contraception were ignored when the two-child rule was introduced. This has had a disproportionate impact on Catholic families in Northern Ireland, and since abortion is illegal there, an increasing number of families will be facing poverty and worry with every positive pregnancy test.
Failure to report a crime is also illegal, a legacy from the Troubles, meaning women who have become pregnant as a result of rape and not reported it until they want to claim child benefit could face prison and being torn away from their children – an unintended consequence of the two-child rule raised repeatedly by Labour and Northern Irish opposition parties.
It’s unfair, how children are treated so differently according to the accidents of their birth. The duke and duchess of Cambridge’s baby will grow up in material comfort, as all children should. Having a happy childhood, free of poverty, worry and hardship has a huge effect on later mental and physical health.
Unfortunately, the UK does not look at all like a society that will take the plunge and do the right thing: dispense with the monarchy, turn Buckingham Palace and all other royal households into council flats for families on waiting lists, and redistribute public funds so that members of the royal family can make new lives free of the constant public and media glare.
The royal baby will want for nothing. So the best gift would be the opportunity to rule a slightly more equal society, in which the two-child benefits policy has been scrapped, ensuring that this baby’s peers will have been less likely to grow up in grinding poverty.
• Dawn Foster is a freelance writer on politics, social affairs and economics