This week, I’ve been mostly running to be Mayor of London. I should confess it’s not the only thing I’ve had on my plate. There was a nasty Recyclon insurrection that needed quelling in the Sigma Quadrant, and I’m still working my way through the Lovejoy DVD box set (again). But if you want to be a successful intergalactic warrior you’ve got to be able to multi-task, so I mustn’t grumble. The Earth capital, which you call London, is very dear to my heart. It’s been an honour to be the first extraterrestrial candidate bidding to take control of City Hall. After the reigns of previous incumbents like Ken Livingstone and Boris Johnson, I thought you might be in the mood for someone slightly more serious, so that’s why I threw my lid into the ring.
On Monday I launched an exciting new initiative inspired by the NHS Clap For Heroes. I called for the whole UK to show solidarity with my campaign by putting their bins out on the street one day this week (or the week after that). I’m pleased to report that humans have been obeying my command in their millions. The last few days have been a bit of a blur, but luckily I’m not new to this election lark. This is the third time I’ve stood for public office on your planet. First I took on Theresa May (remember her?) in Maidenhead in 2017, when she called a snap election and detonated her political career. (That was in my previous guise as Lord Buckethead, a title which I held until an unfortunate battle on the planet Copyright.) Next I challenged Boris Johnson in the 2019 election, winning a grand total of 69 votes. That’s right, I experienced a surprising 69 with the Prime Minister in a London sports hall at 4am. I’d love to say that was a first, but with Boris you just never know.
As fun as those previous battles were, the 2021 mayoral contest has been my most enjoyable one yet. I’ve spent the week in full-on campaign mode, with the release of my secret weapon to sway floating voters. It’s a Whitney Houston cover version entitled I Wanna Run this City, I Wanna Feel the Heat with Chris Whitty. Since the video dropped, I’ve heard a rumour that the BBC’s swingometer has exploded.
I’m glad so many of my manifesto pledges have resonated with Londoners, like finishing Crossrail. I know some people think I’m a maniac to promise this, but if you spend £19 billion on a massive tunnel it’s madness not to put some trains in it. The real question is, what’s crazier? That I’m suggesting government ministers’ pay should be tied to that of nurses and spare royal palaces could be used to shelter the homeless? Or that no other politician dares to say it? British democracy is amazing and it needs celebrating and defending, even by idiots who have a bin for a head. Politicians are your servants, and election day is when you can give them a pat on the back. From either your hand or a cow, depending on whether they’re any good.
Will it be me who triumphs this weekend? Or Mr Khan? Or Mr Fox? Or the Conservative Party candidate whose name always escapes me? Whoever wins, the most important thing is that ultimately the power rests with you: the voters. Unless you decide you’d like me to take over in a benevolent dictatorship, in which case give me a call.