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What’s all this about Covid-secure sex?

covid: Getty Images/iStockphoto
covid: Getty Images/iStockphoto

What’s that you’re reading, a steamy novella?

It’s the Terrence Higgins Trust’s latest advice for Covid-secure sex.

Sounds like an EL James romp to me, but it’s been a while. What’s the latest?

It’s hot stuff. The sexual health charity has dished out sensible tips with a manual for having sex while managing the risk of Covid-19. Their research showed that while 84 per cent of you abstained from sex with anyone you did not live with during lockdown, it is “not realistic to ask people to avoid sex indefinitely”.

You’re telling me. At this stage I’d tell a stiff breeze to grab its coat. So I’m allowed to download my Hinge account and get swiping again?

With a few NSFW caveats. No kissing, wear a face mask during sex, and favour positions where you’re not face-to-face will help.

Stop it, you’re making me blush.

They go on to say that using condoms or dams for oral sex will further reduce the risk.

Care to explain those terms in greater detail?

Ask a non-work computer.

Okay, sounds good, but how will this unfold between the sheets?

No kissing is a no-brainer, even though it does make the virus sound like a chaperone at a school disco. Heavy breathing and panting can spread the virus further, so — as per official guidelines from our good friends in New York City recently put it — “pick larger, more open, ventilated spaces”.

Ah, the great outdoors. And the mask?

Think of it as using protection. Plus, you can use those beautiful bedroom eyes. But if you meet someone you like enough to want to spend more mask-free quality time together, you’ll need to have a frank conversation about your day-to-day lifestyles. How many people do you come into close contact with regularly? Do either of you live with an elderly relative? Do you have multiple room-mates?

Okay. If you need me, me and my imagination will be having a liedown.

Want me to tell you about Harvard University’s sliding scale of sexual practices organised from least to most risky before you go?

No. On second thoughts, I’m joining a monastery.