Yahoo News Dear Coleen: I'm gutted that teen daughter wants to live with my ex and his wife
Dear Coleen
I’m a single mother with a 14-year-old daughter. I broke up with my ex (her dad) when she was five and I’ve raised her pretty much on my own since then with bits and pieces of input from him, but he’s not the most reliable father.
I’ve dated a bit over the years, but haven’t met anyone I’ve wanted to have a serious relationship with, plus my daughter always came first. My ex, on the other hand, moved on quite quickly with someone else and they’re now married with two kids.
My issue is, out of the blue, my daughter told me she wants to live with her dad and his family during the week. She says it’s because he lives close to her school and means she will be able to see her friends more easily, but I feel totally heartbroken.
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I’ve tried not to show it, but I’m devastated. It feels like all those years of bringing her up on my own count for nothing. I’ve talked to my ex about it and he’s OK with her staying with them.
His wife is actually very nice, so there are no issues in that department. The latest development is that my daughter wants her dad and his wife to go to a parents’ day at her school instead of me. I can’t tell you how much I’ve cried over this. How can I cope going forward?
Coleen says
None of this means your daughter doesn’t appreciate what you’ve done for her, but 14 is a tricky age. You’ve been the main person in her life all these years, playing good and bad cop, and she’s probably thinking she’ll go to her dad’s and get away with more stuff and it’ll be like a holiday!
The important thing is not to fight over it. When my son Shane was about to start high school we were living in Blackpool, but all his good friends were down in London. One night he said he wanted to go back south and live with his dad to be near his friends.
It was like a hammer to my heart – I couldn’t bear the thought of him being four hours away and it brought up lots of anger and resentment from my divorce. But, I said “OK” and called his dad, who agreed it was fine, but he expected Shane would be back in Blackpool soon. So, I let him go because I didn’t want him throwing it back in my face every time we had a disagreement.
Anyway, off he went, but his dad was right – he came back after three weeks. I think if you give your daughter the freedom to choose, it’ll make her realise lots of things, including what a great mum you are.
As long as you and your ex are keeping in touch and have her best interests at heart, you’ll be able to navigate it. And, you’ll have more time to yourself. As for the parents’ day, there’s no reason why you can’t go too and all be there for her.
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