Lammy squirms as Kemi and Keir confront the Trumpian elephant in the room

Kemi Badenoch sports a true blue Tory outfit for her first PMQs
Kemi Badenoch sports a true blue Tory outfit for her first PMQs - House of Commons

It was meant to be all about Kemi. Her opening salvo in what will almost certainly be a tumultuous few years with Sir Oinky until Labour gets fed up and dumps him (or her own MPs do the same to her). There was, however, an elephant in the room, or rather a party symbolised by one.

The Donald’s US triumph was obviously the big news of the day, leaving poor Kemi playing second fiddle.

“Can I begin by congratulating president-elect Trump”. Starmer deployed his best neutral international statesman tone, which unfortunately for him makes him sound like a Dalek with a head-cold. He was flanked by Rachel Reeves and Big Ange, the latter of which gave an enthusiastic “hear, hear” at the mention of The Donald’s name.

You’d have thought that given his track record, David Lammy might have been locked in the stationery cupboard at the Foreign Office, but no, he was there too, a great mass of pointlessness squatting on the green benches where he faced Kemi’s sneer. Eventually Sir Oinky got round to some platitudes for the new Tory leader: “I look forward to working with her in the interests of the British public.”

Trump was at the heart of Kemi’s questioning too. But for all the press gossip about the new leader of the opposition being a firecracker, her first PMQs were quietly incisive.

Would the Prime Minister apologise for his Foreign Secretary’s past remarks, she asked – almost metaphorically smacking her lips. Lammy squirmed.

Prime minister Sir Keir Starmer turned attention away from Donald Trump to the Budget
Sir Keir Starmer turned attention away from Donald Trump to the Budget - House of Commons

Sir Keir replied on his behalf, describing how he and the Foreign Secretary had enjoyed a dinner with Trump a few weeks ago. Oh to be a fly on the wall at that. I somehow doubt Trump eats vegetables; making him have dinner with two of them seems like a stretch too far.

Kemi further rubbed in Labour’s America problem, bringing up the legion of party nerds who’d gone to bother American voters in swing states. “How did that go?” screeched Dame Priti Patel, newly returned to the front bench, with more than a soupcon of Barbara Windsor in the Queen Vic. Lammy wriggled again, like a sack of potatoes with a rodent trapped inside.

Somehow Starmer turned it round to the Budget. Platitude followed platitude – “we’re fixing the foundations”, he squealed. Another more descriptive F-word springs to mind to describe what Labour is doing to the economy. His own backbenchers didn’t help. Jeering at the very mention of family farms is hardly a good look; nor was further heckling from Steve Reed, the pink-faced, freebie-loving London MP who is inexplicably in charge of rural affairs.

Ben Obese-Jecty asked why the PM had not removed the whip from Dawn Butler following her 'blackface' remarks about Kemi Badenoch
Ben Obese-Jecty asked why the PM had not removed the whip from Dawn Butler following her ‘blackface’ remarks about Kemi Badenoch - House of Commons

Ben Obese-Jecty, a new MP, fumed about why Starmer hadn’t removed the whip from Dawn Butler – and asked if he thought it acceptable for a back bench MP to say that the leader of the opposition represents “white supremacy in blackface”. To which Starmer gave one of his trademark scrutiny-phobic non-answers. “No I don’t,” he yelped, barely even standing up before sitting down again.

Not only had they failed to hide Lammy, Dawn Butler was also sitting awkwardly near the PM, and stared mutinously at her phone throughout this exchange. (“Do something!” boomed Chris Philp.) But demanding moral consistency from Starmer is a bit like expecting humility from Alastair Campbell.

The Starmtroopers had evidently been drilled to within an inch of their lives; three asked questions about Badenoch; all parrotted party buzzwords. (The whips’ office is either handing out sweets, or administering Chinese burns, for every mention of “fixing the foundations”.)

Between the dead-eyed stares and the constant repetition, it felt like we’d stumbled into a screening of the Children of the Corn.

Trump might not have actually been in the room but other, more worrying people were. Up in the gallery, euthanasia duo Lord Falconer and Kim Leadbeater sat together – presumably plotting how to get assisted dying through the Commons without having to actually show people their legislation.

In reality, given events in America, the only thing likely to be put out of its misery anytime soon is David Lammy’s front bench career.