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If 'The Devil Is The Great Gossip' Then Call Me Lucifer

Photo credit: Pete Pacifica - Getty Images
Photo credit: Pete Pacifica - Getty Images

From ELLE

This month, Pope Francis told the people at St. Peter’s Square and beyond, that 'gossiping is a worse plague' than Covid-19, continuing: ‘The devil is the great gossip’.

Well, call me Lucifer, Francis, because I am the biggest gossip around, and I don’t think it’s worse than the current pandemic (which has taken more lives than the Vietnam War FYI). Quite the opposite, I think it can be a very good thing. Now watch this Catholic School girl try and argue her point against the most pious man on earth (forgive me, Lord).

I come from a family of gossipers, with my dad leading as chief gossip. I’m convinced that if he hadn’t left his secondary technical school with just one O-Level (graded ‘U’), he could’ve gone on to be a brilliant literary critic in another life, by the way he interrogates and dissects others’ personal narratives.

To me, that’s a big part of what gossiping is - an enjoyable (and funny) pastime, comparable with watching reality TV, viewing a great play or reading a fantastic book - where one talks through the motives, desires, hopes, and dreams of the characters, wonders where they got it wrong, or even where they got it so right.

My family time reflects our love of this sport, with my mum often writing small lists of topics that must be covered when we next all meet. When I say ‘topics’, I largely mean ‘people’. So if we know you, know that we have spoken about you, and I promise that it isn’t all bad.

First, let me stress that there is a distinction between 'gossiping' and 'bitching.' The latter - saying horrible things about people just for the sake of it - is not at all nice and not particularly defensible.

But when navigated correctly, I believe gossiping has its merits.

As I've mentioned, the social aspect of getting together for this kind of gabble is hugely valuable. You might remember the gossip theory laid out by Yuval Harari in his bestseller Sapiens (a book that was famously bonded over by two contestants on Love Island), which claimed that gossip is the foundation of human survival: ‘It’s [...] important for them to know who in their band hates whom, who is sleeping with whom, who is honest and who is a cheat’, the book says of caveman’s need to natter.

Though gossip is perceived to be a woman's preserve, it might surprise you to know that it's carried out equally by men, with people spending almost an hour a day on average discussing one another. It seems there is something innate in us that wants to talk about others, so why not hone the practice and make it useful?

If you approach a conversation about someone with openness and empathy, you can turn a salacious story into a complicated one. Let's say you and friend A are discussing friend B having cheated on her partner. A 'bitching' conversation might have you guffawing and finding the cheat guilty without trial. But a thoughtful gossip might have you exploring her self-esteem, other contributing factors that led her to act in this way and the part potentially played by her partner. Done right, gossiping can help create compassion, offer a redemptive lifeline in the court of you and your friend's opinions, and replace the stories we've been told (the cheating woman should be condemned), with ones we have written (perhaps there's more to it than meets the eye).

Through the sharing of information and points of view, new truths and evidence can be discovered. In that way, are we surprised people like the Pope doesn't want people to talk?

In my family, we use gossip to reaffirm our own choices and create closeness and pride in our little clan, which despite various personal tragedies, we consider ourselves very lucky to be a part of. Indeed, feeling lucky is a lot easier when you are able to thoughtfully consider others’ struggles, something gossiping allows you to do.

There is a questionably-attributed Eleanor Roosevelt quote that reads: ‘Small minds discuss people. Average minds discuss events. Great minds discuss ideas.’ Though I wouldn’t claim or even desire to have a ‘great mind’, I think when discussing people, we are discussing ideas. Namely the idea of empathy.

My golden rule of gossiping is therefore not to use it as a point scoring system of judgment, but instead a method of excavation - attempting to dig, dust and scrape your way to better understanding one another.

Some guiding principles for gossip:

  • Arrive with an open mind and let new events, actions, and others’ opinions inform your own.

  • Know that when you can’t do the above, and when gossiping is reaffirming your toxic views, it's time to stop.

  • Be ready to apologise, you’re not perfect either.

  • Don’t read others diaries, Slack groups, or emails. If you can gossip, the are allowed to as well.

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