Ding dong merrily your highness: is this what Meghan Markle's Christmas with the Queen will be like?

The scene: the drawing room at Sandringham on Christmas Eve. The Queen, wearing a well-worn quilted jacket by Rees & Mogg and a Tonioli & Horwood headscarf is feeding Brussels sprouts to a selection of flatulent corgis. There is a Germanically decorated tree with a stack of presents in the corner and a fire raging in the grate. Prince Philip is sitting in the lotus position, eyes closed and wearing a kaftan, on the floor.

Queen: (Fondly) Earth to Fee-leep. Earth to Fee-leep. Out of your trance, now. The rest of the family is due at any moment.

Philip: Ommmmmmmm. (Opens eyes) Sorry, old girl, just getting my chakras in harmony. These eastern philosophies that Charles has been telling me about since my retirement have a lot going for ’em. (He gets up and begins composing a flower arrangement on a sideboard).

Queen: (Calling through to other room) William! Catherine! For goodness sake stop watching The Crown and come out and help.

William and Kate emerge. He is wearing Boden and carrying Prince George, who is playing Gears of War on his father’s iPhone X. Kate is in a maternity dress from Queenmothercare and carries a sleeping Princes Charlotte.

William: Sorry, gran-gran, just can’t get over Gramps’s beard in it…

Kate: And your sister’s outfits are to die for…

An electric doorbell plays God Save the Queen in the distance, and after a few moments, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle enter: he is in a puffa jacket and she is shivering in a Misha Nonoo dress and Converse trainers. The family greet each other warmly — Philip embracing his grandsons, William and Harry exchanging fist-bumps. Meghan begins to curtsey but the queen draws her into a hug.

Queen: Dearest Meghan. Have you come far? From Los Angeles, I believe. And what do you do? I’m joking! How wonderful you can be with us.

Meghan: It’s wonderful to be here ma’em, er, your majesty, er, yass, queen! I just didn’t expect it to be so cold. My fanny feels just about frozen.

I forgot to put pants on. And I left my boots in the trunk.

There is a brief, stunned silence.

Harry: She means bum, trousers and she left her trunk in the boot.

Philip: (To Meghan) Come and warm yourself by the fire m’dear. And may I say again how glad we are you are joining the Firm. Great to get some fresh blood into this bunch of Greeks and Krauts, eh? A modern monarchy has to change. “The reed that bends does not break” as Confucius says.

Meghan: You’ve made me so welcome, and I’d been told you were a traditionalist, what with me being a divorcée and all…

Philip: (Barks) Ha! Not a great record of marital bliss in my offspring is there? Now sit down, it’s time for presents. We do it on Christmas Eve, Hanover-style.

The family sit and unwrap presents. Meghan has given Kate a sweatshirt from Kanye West’s Yeezy label with the words “Mommy’s little princess (or prince)” above an arrow pointing to her baby bump. Kate has given Meghan a tea towel saying “You don’t have to be the product of centuries of hereditary privilege to work here, but it helps” and a book called “Wave Power — 99 wrist exercises for the royal fiancée”. They air-kiss. Meghan has also brought presents for all the Queen’s dogs.)

William: (Sarcastically) Ah, a hairdryer, hairbrush and comb. Again! Thanks, bro.

Harry: (Cheerfully) And thank you, bro, for the fancy dress outfits. Vicar, ecologist, humanitarian. Shouldn’t go wrong with that lot, eh?

William: Just don’t wear one for the wedding. Or at the Invictus Games. Or for the next Star Wars premiere.

Philip: So, Meghan, a green juice, perhaps. I know you’re a fan and since withdrawing from public life I’ve been exploring wellness and self-care…

Meghan: I thought, perhaps… a glass of champagne?

Queen: Attagirl, as I believe they say in California (she high-fives a surprised Meghan). You’ll find the best way to stay afloat in this family business is to say precisely what you want. All sorts of people — politicians, journalists, men mostly — will try and tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing, but you must stick to your guns. I don’t mean actual guns, of course, though we do keep a few around here, but for shooting animals rather than people, unlike in America… where was I? Oh yes. It’s the women who have been the strong ones in this mob ever since great-grandmother Victoria’s time, and if you don’t believe me, take a look at Harry’s auntie, Anne.

Philip: Let me tell you the drill for tomorrow m’dear. We have what in England is known as a “walk” in the morning, then we’ll drive to church – on the left hand side of the road. The pavements — sidewalks — will be full of crowds. Are you religious?

Meghan: My father was Episcopalian?

Philip: Never liked fish, myself. Anyway, after the service — which I enjoy much more these days now I’ve compared it to the teachings of the Torah and the Koran — you and the other youngsters have another little “walk” around while the crowds lob bouquets at you, then it’s back here for lunch. Most of the Firm like beef or goose but I’ll get cook to knock us up some hummus and spiralized courgette. Then the old girl likes a whisky and I try to fit in 10 minutes’ meditation, before we all watch her big TV moment and have a giggle at the funny voice she puts on. (The Queen does a mock bow and says “My haz-band Fee-leep and ay” to laughter.) You’re lucky Edward’s not here, or we’d have to endure his Christmas entertainments. (Everyone rolls their eyes). Or Andrew, who keeps banging on about speeding up Sandringham’s broadband.

Harry: But thank you for being here, Meghan and for making me the happiest man in the world.

Meghan: Thank you, Harry, for taking me away from the land of a much less prepossessing orange person, and bringing me to a place where the words “chips”, “fag” and “period” mean something completely different. Now let me take a family selfie.

She stands at the centre of the group, between the Queen and Harry, and raises her phone on a selfie stick.

Queen: Here’s to a lovely wedding, a new arrival from William and Catherine, and a brighter 2018 for everyone. And as I believe you say in America, happy winterval!

Meghan: Merry Christmas, everyone! (Takes selfie)

Philip: (Bows) Namaste!