All the questions you ever had about 'being popular' - answered

You may think that you left behind the catty notion of whether being popular matters at school but it’s something that comes up whether you’re 15 or 55.

Whether it’s in work, with your partner’s friends or within your own group, the truth is: most people want to be liked.

But, what actually is the significance of popularity other than feeling better about yourself? Will it affect how well you do in your career? How happy you are? Your health?

We spoke to Mitch Prinstein, psychologist and author of POPULAR: The Power of Likability in a Status-Obsessed World, about the effects of being liked, the difference between online vs offline popularity and if you can actually learn how to become it…

How do you define popular?

That’s a question that most people are confused by, because there are actually two very different kinds of popularity.

One type is likability which is quite important. Likability may be defined by the extent to which others want to spend time with us, trust us, and want us to lead them. Those who are most likeable, and who are likeable adults, have a variety of long-lasting benefits.

A second type of popularity is status, which reflects our visibility, power, ability to influence, and perhaps even fame. The distinction between likability and status is important, because most of us spent our high school years wishing we had more status…but high status actually leads to long-term difficulties. Those who seek status, and those who achieve it, are at greater risk for depression, anxiety, addictions, and relationship difficulties.

Are you born popular?

Some of the things that can make us likeable or high in status are indeed inherited. Our physical appearance and our general comfort vs. inhibition around others both can affect our popularity (especially status). But most of our likability comes from things we learn from our parents. The extent to which we are hostile towards others, calm and collected when solving problems, and invested in others’ feelings all have a lot to do with how we were raised.

What’s the difference between “cool” and “popular”?

Cool reflects our status. It becomes a big deal when we reach about 11 or 12 years because that’s when the social reward centres in our brains become supercharged to respond to moments when we get attention from others. It used to be that we grew out of that status or cool fixation as we left school, but in today’s world, some are still looking for those moments when they feel like they have attention and influence over others thanks to a world now obsessed with status.

Does everyone care about being liked?

No, and that’s unfortunate. Research shows that those who are well-liked are happier, more successful in their jobs, and even physically healthier up to 40 years later.

But many people say they don’t care about being liked. That may be because they have been hurt in the past, and like to seem like they no longer care what others think of them, or because they have become focused on their status instead.

Caring about being liked is important. It doesn’t mean that we need to acquiesce towards others desires, or that we have to become whimps. Being likeable is about helping to create community by making others feel valued, rather than trying to make ourselves seem superior.

Can you learn popularity?

You can absolutely learn to be more likeable. There are several steps, essentially involving confronting the experiences we had as youth, understanding how they continue to affect us today, and challenging ourselves to break out of the traps that were set for us back in school.

However “being popular” depends on what kind of popularity you want. Achieving high status is as easy as a mouse click these days. Our whole culture has begun to revolve around everyone’s constant search for status on a wide range of social media platforms. Becoming more likeable is ultimately a better strategy for lifelong happiness and success, and many of those who are most likeable as adults are the folks who have learned how to change how they feel about their adolescence.

Can you be popular online but not in real life?

Some people who feel isolated in their day to say routines (at home, school) can find a group of supportive friends online, which is terrific. Others use social media to try and make themselves seem popular by accruing lots of followers, retweets, etc. That’s a recipe for disaster because the feeling of popularity that comes from social media is fleeting, artificial, and insatiable.

Why does popularity matter?

Research says that those who are most likeable are happier, healthier, more likely to get hired and promoted, and actually live longer. Scientific research now demonstrates that within moments of social exclusion, we can see changes in the DNA expressed in our bodies, suggesting that the desire to be popular is a very fundamental human experience.

Aside from this, the only factor that predicts death as strongly as unpopularity is excessive smoking. That’s how powerful popularity is.

Popular by Mitch Prinstein is out now (Vermilion, £20)