Don’t call me baby: why new love needs no labels

Among several things gleaned from GQ magazine’s protracted meditation on Zayn Malik — the best of which is that Malik has a horse called Cool — was confirmation of what social media’s hawk-eyed zealots already suspected, based on dark corner shots from Instagram Stories. Namely that Zayn, music’s wannabe princelet of darkness, and his erstwhile ex-girlfriend, the gilded model Gigi Hadid, are not through quite yet.

In March the pair (Zigi?) announced the end of their relationship to a cacophony of yowls and a collective rending of garments; now it seems it is tentatively back on.

“We’re adults,” sulked Malik in the 4,000-odd word interview/thinkpiece, published in the July issue of the American magazine, which was shared widely online yesterday. “We don’t need to put a label on it, make it something for people’s expectations.”

Crucially, Gigi has not just been introduced to Cool but has in fact ridden him; certainly, this suggests high-stakes commitment. But it is implied rather than asserted for Zayn and Gigi are — like so many before them — in a no-labels situation.

Often, though not always, the no-labels relationship is the modus operandi of the f***boy or f***girl, social media’s commitment-phobe 2.0, who keeps you around (usually via a “u up?” WhatsApp at 2am) but doesn’t want to date you. Inevitably, one party gets sick of this and calls an end to it.

But on other, rarer occasions, it is sincerely mutual and beneficial to both parties, a postmodern posturing that shrugs off bourgeois notions of possession and agency. Gigi and Zayn are exquisite — undoubtedly their situation will be the perfect execution of no-labels love whatever form it takes.

The terrestrial beings of Love Island also reject the strictures of labels, declaring themselves “open-minded” about their connections in the villa. How enlightened.

These are the rules for making no-label love work for you.

Define your terms

Obviously there are no terms — that’s the whole point. In which case this lack of clarity must be clear: in other words, you cannot refer to them as “bae” one minute and “who?” the next. Practise consistency — reject labels together or come up with new ones together.

Meet cutes

It is imperative that you learn how to introduce each other in social situations. When presenting your person for judgment you want to avoid that protracted stall as you realise you do not know how to identify them in a way that seems publicly acceptable. This in turn heralds a blustering of gabbled explanations and falsetto laughter, as everyone involved pretends not to notice how keenly you swerved the title “boyfriend”.

Their name will suffice: practise in the mirror to ensure the introduction is fluent. Otherwise, make like Bridget Jones and introduce people with thoughtful details.

Separation of powers

No-labels love flourishes in private, away from the prurient and closed-minded. The world scrutinises the unconventional (see above). For their own safety, and yours, keep label-less lovers as bit parts in your normal social scene.

Take it from the masters: sure, Gigi and Zayn will hang out and brush Cool’s mane together on his Philadelphia ranch, but they will not attend the Met Gala together (“I’d rather be sitting in my house,” he told GQ. “Gi stole the night, though”).

Mischief making

On the other hand, every so often, you might wish to present a (sort of) united front to the world. A no-labels lover is, admittedly, a very useful weapon for disarming and disconcerting your more conventional friends — the ones who make you feel prematurely old by discussing the ins and outs of their home insurance policy. Scandalising said couple by flaunting your nonchalant lack of interest in propriety can be quite the evening’s entertainment (provided both you and your no-labels lover are totally on board).

Be kind

On which note, rejecting labels might feel brave but it might also make someone else feel vulnerable and small. If you are, indeed, being a f***boy or f***girl and using a no-labels situation as an excuse to play the field, then find someone else on your level. Don’t be a dickhead — the label sticks, deservedly.