'You don't have to settle': the joy of living (and dying) alone

Not long ago I had a discussion with a friend about why she married, and ultimately divorced, someone she knew wasn’t right for her. She said she bought into society’s deafening message that being with a man – any man – is better than being alone, and certainly better than dying alone, which is allegedly the worst fate anyone, especially any woman, can suffer.

When I told her that I’ve never feared dying alone, and in fact have sometimes feared the opposite, she told me I was incredibly lucky. Because this meant I wouldn’t end up settling for a life that doesn’t actually make me happy, even if society tells me it’s supposed to.

Apparently I’m not alone. (Pun intended!) Data confirms that more women have begun to realize that there are far worse things than dying alone, which is great news for women but bad news for the patriarchy.

“Broke men are hurting women’s marriage prospects,” the NY Post recently declared, citing a study from the Journal of Family and Marriage. The article claimed that “most American women hope to marry” but there is a shortage of men with stable incomes and lives, making it tough for women to do so.

CNN reports that there “are more single working women than ever,” and by 2030, according to the CDC, “45% of working women ages 25 to 44 in the United States will be single”. This inspired this spirited Twitter exchange:

That Twitter clash perfectly captures a growing cultural divide. There are those who still believe that traditional marriage is the natural order of things – and that those not participating in this institution are failing society, and must be desperately unhappy and lonely.

Then there are the rest of us, who believe that traditional marriage is great for some, but not for everybody, and we certainly don’t feel like lonely failures for choosing to opt-out. (And yes, for many of us it is an active choice, not just an economic outcome.)

Contrary to decades of prevailing wisdom that those who marry are better off, a 2017 study published in the Journal of Women’s Health found that women who stay single or who divorce are actually healthier than those who stay married. By contrast, married men are healthier than men who are not. Why the discrepancy?

For starters, men are less likely to go to the doctor than women, unless of course women – ie wives – nudge them. Women are also traditionally better at maintaining social networks than men. When a man divorces, he may see his physical and emotional health slide. He loses the person concerned with keeping him healthy and much of his social network. By contrast, women who divorce just see their relationships evolve from investing in a man to investing more heavily in other social or community connections.

For years, the feminist writer Linda Hirshman courted controversy by advising that marriage, unless to an exceptional man, is often a “bad bargain” for women. With every child a woman has, she sees her pay and long-term professional opportunities decline, particularly if she leaves the workforce for a significant period of time.

Furthermore, marriage has historically presented women with two options, neither good: marry a man and sacrifice your autonomy and career goals to become financially dependent on him. Or marry a man and maintain your own career but be prepared to have a “second shift” career taking care of him and the home. Even among more open-minded millennial men, the female spouse still ends up doing the majority of caregiving and housekeeping.

More women, however, are foregoing marriage and motherhood. In doing so, they trade in their “second shift” and instead begin taking care of themselves. To use Hirshman’s language, they are rejecting a “bad bargain”. This new status quo frustrates men who feel entitled to female companionship, such as angry male “incels”.

While trying to explain the danger of incels (“involuntary celibates”) to my mother, I was surprised to hear her say, “Well, they’re not entirely wrong.” Realizing my horror, she went on to explain that women used to need a man to survive. That led to a lot of bad marriages and deterred divorces. She loves that, thanks to modern feminism, she gets to see women like me make decisions that are not predicated on needing a man to keep a roof over my head. “You don’t have to settle,” she said.

Women have more economic power and freedom to set standards regarding the men they will be with, and what they will put up with from those men, than at any time in history. More women are deciding that being in a bad marriage, or trying to co-parent with an irresponsible man, is much worse than dying alone.

Once dying alone is no longer scary to women, men lose power. So it shouldn’t be surprising that some incels are outraged. It’s no different than those who mourn the days when they didn’t have to compete for jobs against women and racial minorities. It must be frustrating to lose power you once had but didn’t necessarily deserve.

Which is why I owe a big thank you to my mom. Despite being married for nearly 50 years, she’s never pressured me to get married (even when she’s been a fan of the man I’m dating). But the main reason I owe her thanks is because she’s never minded going to dinner by herself. Until I grew older I didn’t realize such a small act was actually strangely politically subversive. Countless adults are terrified of simply going to the movies by themselves. I increasingly think Chris Rock was right when, years ago, he joked that a lot of people marry just to have someone to go to dinner and the movies with. Funny, but sadly, probably true.

It made me wonder how many people have endured unhappy relationships just so they wouldn’t be perceived as lonely. For so long, society has perpetuated the stigma that you need someone by your side to be seen as whole.

But more women are dismantling this stigma and eschewing the “bad bargain”. They are finally deciding that being alone isn’t the same as being lonely. They’ve realized that they can channel the energy that for so long went into uplifting men into instead lifting themselves. That means more women staying in the workplace, more women running for office and more women grabbing their rightful seats at tables of power.

That’s not to say women shouldn’t marry and have children. It is to say women should feel empowered to do so, only if they truly want to and with partners who are worthy of them, who champion and nurture their success, not hold them back or drag them down. More women are embracing that message, and that could ultimately do more for women’s equality than any government policy ever will.

• Keli Goff was recently nominated for two Emmy Awards for her work on the Netflix film Reversing Roe. She is a Contributor to The Daily Beast and NPR affiliate KCRW’s Left, Right & Center