The extraordinary letter received by grieving mum a year after donating young son's heart

-Credit: (Image: Reach Publishing Services Limited)
-Credit: (Image: Reach Publishing Services Limited)


"You have given us a second chance to live with many happy tomorrows. We as a family will be able to see the sun rise and set, allow him to feel the rain and sun on his face, hear the wind in the trees, and listen to the birds sing. He will be able to hug and be hugged" - they are the words of a mum whose son was given a heart transplant by a seven-year-old from Wales.

Fraser Bates was killed in December 2015 when, along with his dad Stuart, he was hit by a careless driver. Both their organs were donated to those in need by Fraser's mum, and Stuart's wife, Anna-Louise.

After their deaths, Anna-Louise, from Cardiff, spoke about their deaths to have a positive voice about organ donation. She also set up the charity Believe. In a new memoir she has shared more details of her story, setting up the charity, finding love again, all while negotiating grief.

Part of her story is the relationship she has struck up with the family of the boy, Roman, who received her son's heart. In the book, she details the reality of agreeing to donate a loved one's organs, how it happens, and what she has tried to teach, from her experience. She admitted that by 2017, having not heard anything from any donor family, she was "bewildered and very hurt" reports Walesonline.

READ MORE: The man labelled a 'traitor' while saving last pub in Anglesey village

READ MORE: Eryri cafe site dubbed 'iconic' has reopened - sparking row over name

Fraser's heart was given to a boy, one kidney to a woman, and the other - as well as his liver - to another young girl. His eye tissue was used, but a young man who received his lungs died, she received that information just before Fraser's ninth birthday which was, she admits, incredibly upsetting.

"I managed to convince myself that the little boy who had died did at least get six months he wouldn't have had if Fraser hadn't given his organs," she writes of the aftermath.

Stuart's heart tissue was not suitable to be used, something she was upset not to have been told sooner. A year later, an anonymous letter arrived from the mother of the boy who had received Fraser's heart. She received a letter from a specialist nurse who told her that the donor's family had written to her. Protocol means it was sent to her in a different envelope to read only if she wished.

The letter read:

Dear Donor Family,

"I'm so sorry this letter has taken nearly a year to arrive. It's not that we didn't want to write, I just couldn't find the strength and words to write. How do you thank someone who gave your child a chance at life?

"'Thank you' these two words seem so inadequate for the gift of life you have given to us. You have given us a second chance to live with many happy tomorrows. We as a family will be able to see the sun rise and set, allow him to feel the rain and sun on his face, hear the wind in the trees, and listen to the birds sing. He will be able to hug and be hugged.

"We must offer our deepest sympathy for your loss, mere words from strangers, but heartfelt just the same. Perhaps with your generous donation, your family and mine will be able to 'Celebrate the Life' of loved ones both past and present.

"We would love to learn about the donor, we already know that they have been kind, caring, compassionate and generous, something they had to have learned from you, their family. We feel that each new day has endless possibilities and that his strength to thrive gives us the strength to learn and deal with everything he is throwing at us. I only hope that we are able to justify the use of this wonderful gift. We all know that time can cause us to forget, but know this - not a day nor an hour or a minute will go by or has gone by without all or one of us thinking of the donor and their family who without we would not have had a chance to live as a family at home.

"The above letter is everything a Google 'template of a donor-recipient letter' expects me to say and I suppose follows guidelines to the letter. Following these rules, you don't get a real sense of our feelings.

"Your family's decision to do this gave me every milestone, every smile, every cry, every bump and fall all while learning. I get to feel and in our case, see this bouncy healthy special heart that although the first owner was too great to stay on this earth, they left the most valuable thing to not one but now two families. Every day I hold my baby against me I can feel this special thud, thud, thud every minute of joy I get from this reminds me of first your sadness, then a rush of the strength you must have found in a very dark place. I hope this strength is passed on through the love of the first chapters of this heart's life.

"We as a family would like to learn and teach our boys the background of where this special heart came from and would be honoured to stay in touch. We honestly can't thank you more for finding the light in your darkest hour and giving our boys a chance to thrive together. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts."

The recipient's family

The letter was the family of Roman Pickering, a twin who was born with a heart defect that was picked up at the 20-week scan. Mum Zoe was offered a termination, but refused and her sons were delivered with a team of 56 doctors, consultants and specialists to assist in a planned Caesarean. Tests confirmed Roman, from Newcastle, had an under-developed right side of his heart and he would require a heart transplant.

For a week after his eventual nine-hour heart transplant, it was touch and go whether Roman would survive. He suffered internal bleeding and a collapsed lung but, throughout it all, Fraser's heart beat strongly.

Anna-Louise wrote back on December 20, 2017.

Mum and daughter, holding a microphone
Anna Louise Stubbings, previously Bates, at the launch of her book with her daughter, Elizabeth who read a poem from the book -Credit:Anna Louise Stubbings

"Dear recipient family"

"Thank you so much for taking the time and sending your letter to us at such a difficult time for us all. Following Fraser's donation, I have met with other transplant recipients and can only imagine how hard it must be to put in writing how you are feeling but I must say that your words really did bring me so much comfort.

"Fraser (my son) really did have the biggest heart. He was older than his seven years, had the sensitivity of a boy that was unmatched and was best friend to everyone whatever their ages. He appreciated what a gift life was and really valued this gift. We, as a family, treasured and loved every minute and I am truly blessed to have had him as my son.

"My late husband and I nicknamed him Bear after the House of Fraser 'bear' and love of Bear Grylls. How fitting then for bear to have become a very keen outdoor beaver, loving every minute of scouting and every new adventure.

"When he and his dad passed away, his classmates wrote me cards about how they remembered Fraser. Loud, full of life, and caring were the ones that really came through. Fraser looked after the children with hearing problems, those being bullied and was very, very proud of his little sister, Elizabeth. Fraser showed such unbelievable strength to allow me to donate his organs and I know he is looking down with pride knowing that I was able to fulfil his wishes.

"Knowing that the loss of my boys has allowed yours to thrive makes me even more proud of my superstar Fraser. I would love to keep in touch and very much hope that this letter finds you before Christmas, because this Christmas as those before, Elizabeth and I continue to celebrate the gift of life.

"Anna-Louise x"

A young boy sitting at a piano
A young Fraser sat at the family piano -Credit:Anna Louise Stubbings
Roman, who received Fraser's heart, at the same piano -Credit:Anna Louise Stubbings
Roman, who received Fraser's heart, at the same piano -Credit:Anna Louise Stubbings

On March 1, 2018, a message arrived to the Fraser Bear social media page. It was from the mum of the little boy who had received Fraser's heart, who had sent me the anonymous letter through the organ donation team, but who was now making direct contact. She was called Zoe and her little boy was Roman. Just knowing that was incredible, just knowing who now had Fraser's heart. Zoe had only been told that the heart had come from another boy but as there are very few children's hearts out there, once she saw the media coverage about what had happened to our family, she put two and two together quite easily.

"I could now contact Zoe if I wanted, we could liaise through the Believe page but I wasn't there at that point. I wasn't at the stage where I could do that. I was blown away by the fact that I could now find out anything about Fraser's recipient so I went and looked on her social media straight away. I just needed to. When I saw pictures of Roman as I was scrolling through,I just felt sheer happiness at first. I didn't allow myself to feel too much as I was so scared as my emotions were all over the place - but I quickly also he wasn't well. Roman had been given Fraser's heart when he was only a baby, and many health problems had developed since.

"I was faced with a whirlwind of thoughts, particularly the one that instantly filled my head when I saw pictures of Roman, that he was a very ill little boy, and his survival isn't guaranteed at all," she writes.

The mums stayed in touch and Anna-Louise admits looking at Zoe's Facebook page, and how Roman sent a present to her one Christmas of a picture of him, and a rainbow of fingerprints.. "Something about that hit me hard and a few months later, I had said to Dad and Zach 'I think I want to meet Roman'."

Anna-Louise and her Dad took the trip, meeting at the Rainforest Cafe. They bumped into each other outside, and there was an unplanned greeting. Roman, in a wheelchair, high fived Anna-Louise. "It was easy. It felt natural, I could breathe," she writes.

Roman was incredibly poorly, she writes, and she worried about the impact Covid could have on him. "I was worried that when his heart stopped, would that be the moment when it would hit me that my bear had truly gone?"

Roman needed a kidney but wasn't strong enough for it, and was having daily dialysis. "Roman was such a sweet boy and needed to be recognised as the amazing fighter he is. I wanted to fix everything for them," she writes in her book.

Roman had designed a football shirt to show Anna, having FAB - Fraser's initials - and his age of seven printed on the back. "That was the only time I cried," she said.

Roman and Anna went to see the fish at the cafe, and she held him so he could see. "When I was holding him, I didn't feel his heart, but I was holding him like my bear - in a bear hug. For me, it was about the whole person, not just a heart. Beforehand, in my head, he had my bear's organ, he had his heart and that did sometimes freak me out that Fraser's heart was beating when he was no longer here. When Roman was there, it felt like Fraser was there too. From the showing of the shirt and then feeling the connection with the fish, I felt it."

Zoe and Anna-Louise stayed in touch, Elizabeth meeting Roman sharing the story of their friendship and link.

Anna Louise writes about receiving a message from Zoe that Roman had been in hospital for eight weeks and wasn't well.

The doctors were toying with moving his transplant forward, but it was a very risky procedure. "The longer they kept him on dialysis, the better as it would make him bigger and stronger, but the delay could have consequences. We'd all know that this was going to happen at some point, but everyone hoped it would be at a time when Roman was in a better place."

Anna-Louise wrote that she went into "practical mode" offering help. "The emotional side is just too much, and as I've always said, Roman is Zoe's boy, he's not mine and I don't want to be seen as parachuting in with my grief and my past."

After his transplant, he'll be in Great Ormond Street for three months. I"'ll do all I can for them during that time," she writes, both personally and with the charity.

Roman is still yet to have the transplant, but Zoe, his mum and his stepfather Ryan attended Anna-Louise's book launch to show their support.