Farage, Ferrari and a Bafta Rising Bile award: Welcome to Fox News UK!

Stories that various UK versions of Fox News are planned to counter the BBC provoke a two-word response. Yes! Finally! I know there will be cautious people who’d ideally like another country to launch a hyperpartisan rightwing news network, then watch how it plays out for everyone across the political spectrum there for a couple of decades before we decide if we honestly want to do that to ourselves. But how could such a controlled experiment be possible? And honestly – what’s the worst that could happen? Herewith the launch schedule.

6am: Morning Glory with Toby Young and Laurence Fox

Takes the tired breakfast formula of grizzled old boor who fetishises being some kind of “newsman”, and mildly glamorous younger co-anchor who has to tolerate his bullshit and play the human shield when he self-medicates his narcissistic insecurity by telling civilian interviewees they’re worthless in some way or another. The skew is that both hosts are guys, because men don’t have a place in our society any more. Theme tune enforced live, every day, by Laurence’s band.

9am: Westminster Pundit Brothel with Tom Harwood

Did pundit TV kill anything good and pure in news? It’s one of many interesting questions that will never be debated on this show, where journalists who want desperately to be on TV – seemingly all of them – are made to circle a paddock in their pants putting their best opinion forward. The most self-hatingly outré of them are selected by former child presstitute Tom Harwood to be hoisted up to the news gantry. There they will opine their opinion, instead of doing their job, but will tell themselves that, in this changed media landscape blah-blah-something, maybe this IS their job. Who knows?! All good for the brand though.

10am: Don’t Call it Oakeshitt

Today’s lucky, be-panted pundits are served by Harwood to mid-morning linchpin Isabel Oakeshott, the sum total of whose broadcast creativity extends to her team wheeling on a TV showing a live feed of BBC News, which the journalists must then spend an hour viciously critiquing. (Trailed as a huge newsotainment innovation, though was actually first done by David Letterman in his morning talkshow in 1980. Except amusingly.)

11am: The Marketplace of Ideas

As expected, the channel launches shortly before a financial collapse, meaning the traditional morning business rundown is swiftly replaced by upbeat The Marketplace of Ideas, where we chart big drops in concepts like “calmness” and “facts”, punctuated by a presenter with a tenuously secret coke problem screaming into camera “MY GOD – HOW LOW CAN THEY GO?”

12pm: The Enabler, with some twat like me presenting it

The so-called mildly-lefty “balance” element. Just like all the Brits who take the Russia Today rouble on the basis that “I’ve never had any interference in my show”, the Enabler fails to understand his or her role in the partisan channel ecosystem. I think it’s best described by a Victoria Wood line about prawns. “Never touch prawns. Do you know they hang around sewage outlet pipes, treading water with their mouths open? They love it.” The presenter of this slot resigns before Christmas, writes a faux-self-deprecating “long read” about their year behind enemy lines and gets a deal off the back of it for a book called something like Not Very Nice Work If You Can Get It. (Pre-emptive review: save it, darlink. You knew exactly what you were doing.)

3pm: Two Guys You Hate Almost As Much As Their Wives Do Argue a Confected Culture War Issue With Each Other

…before returning backstage to sexually harass whichever of their friends’ daughters are interning that week.

4pm: Health Advice – Is It Really? With Piers Corbyn

At last, some representation for Britain’s wildly mushrooming anti-vaxxer community, long ignored by the BBC. It’s fine because Piers’s mum was at Cable Street.

5pm: Debate Me, You Coward!

One-hour drivetime discussion show in which teenage stupidity sensation Darren Grimes screams “Debate me, you coward!” at someone specifically booked to debate him.

6pm: The Allison Pearson Hour

Plenty of value in the Allison Pearson hour, as it feels like at least four. Allison Pearson emerges from the cocoon of her studio-provided car, orders the Daily Telegraph to delete articles she’s written about her teenage daughter that could harm her chances on telly talent shows, then hosts a show ridiculing the idea of safe spaces. Wins a Bafta Rising Bile award in its second year.

7pm: My Other Host is a Ferrari

Unpopular comedy show hosted by Lee Hurst and Nick Ferrari.

7.30pm: So You Want to Own the Libs?

Extreme panel show where media contestants do things like burn Nike trainers they’ve already bought or give their children measles. The prize? “Owning” the “libs”, two words they only loosely understand but have somehow grasped could be linked to a career break in America that’s deffo going to happen.

8pm: An American Has Noticed Us

Plum spot phoned in by literally any old mildly well-known US shock jock whose voicemail message says “I’ll do it”. Paid more than anyone else because it’s a prestige hire and speaks of global ambition, even though they’re a frothing isolationist and three months off being #MeToo’d by their own niece.

9pm: Radicalising Your Parents with James Delingpole

Scaring boomers about the iniquities of the big cities is mission number one of the new network, whose chief metric is how many times it can make your mother develop a sub-clinical obsession with Sadiq Khan (Why?! She lives in Somerset), and your father claim that half Britain is under sharia law because “it was on the news”. By 2027, they’re agreeing with Prime Minister Katie Hopkins that elections impede law and order.

11pm: Hancock Hilton

Mild-mannered former government minister rebrands as deep-vee T-shirted proto-fascist for likes. Live from his Silicon Valley McMansion.

2am: Up All Night with Nigel Farage

Great to see the eternally silenced Nigel get a spot on the new channel, even though his BBC appearance tally is second only to David Attenborough’s. Initial surprise when Farage requests the graveyard slot gives way to the realisation that he is specifically tailoring his phone-in topics to sweet-spot areas he hopes his close friend Donald Trump will call into, just like he does on proper Fox News.

5am: Please, I Am Begging You, I Will Literally Do Anything If You Call Me Just Once

With Nigel Farage.

• Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist.