First they came for our wood burners, now our gas hobs... what will be banned next?

It’s been a terrible few weeks for the beleaguered middle class home. First environment secretary Michael Gove came for our wood-burning stoves, and now the government wants to get rid of our gas hobs too.

So, what’s going to be next on the chopping block? Are we heading for a future where boiling the kettle more than once per day is banned for fear of excessive electricity consumption? Will the government enforce a law against lighting barbecues after 8pm, to crack down on outdoor heaters?

Here we take a speculative look at what could be next in the firing line. Enjoy 'em while you can...

• See Telegraph Recommended's look at the best wood burning stoves that will survive Michael Gove's new laws

Microwaves

We've been blazé about the astonishing ability to cook meals in three minutes flat for a good couple of decades now, so sod's law suggests microwaves will soon incur the government's wrath. Indeed, research by Manchester University last year found that from manufacturing to disposal, microwaves emit 7.7 million tonnes of carbon dioxide in the EU alone. That’s the same amount as 6.8 million cars. And, if you added up the electricity usage from all those European microwaves every year, you’d have about the same amount of energy produced by three large gas power stations.

The question is: how long before the lifetime of the microwave goes "ping"?

Nespresso pods

As you read this, somewhere in the ocean, a friendly whale is choking on a Nespresso pod. Well, possibly.

According to former Nespresso chief executive, Jean-Paul Gaillard, the pods are a “disaster” (he ended up in charge of an ethical coffee company, in case you're wondering). The plastic and aluminium pods take between 150 and 500 years to break down, and even if they can be recycled, Gaillard claims that the energy and environmental cost of doing so renders it moot.

The coffee does taste good in the morning, though.

Agas

You almost hear the shrieks of dismay echoing from the home counties as you imagine Michael Gove taking to the dispatch box to ban the Aga. Nothing says 'countryside chic' quite like this big and beautiful traditional English stoves.

Unfortunately, they're not loved as much by the environment as they are the Instagram-filtered camera lens. Traditional Agas have to be left on 24/7, which means they're constantly chewing up fuel even when you're not cooking. Yes, they function as a radiator too – a heat source for your home; a drying rack for your clothes – but the maths behind the traditional Aga looks pretty conclusive (though it should be noted that the company has sought to produce more energy efficient models in recent years).

Scented candles

Oh, you thought freshening up your home with scents like clean cotton, Sicilian lemon, and whatever the hell “Christmas Magic” smells like, was going to be acceptable? Think again. A 2015 study carried out by Professor Alastair Lewis of the National Centre for Atmospheric Science at the University of York found that the commonly used chemical ingredient limonene, which gives candles a citrus scent, is terrible for the environment and your health. On its own it’s fine, but when limonene reacts with ozone it can turn into formaldehyde, which is poisonous.

Time to snuff them out?

Gasoline Powered Lawnmowers

Let the grass grow, folks. Not only will your overgrown lawn provide a home for small animals and birds, but by not using your lawnmower you’ll be preventing air pollution too. A study published by the American Chemical Association found that an hour of cutting grass with a gasoline-powered lawnmower releases as much pollution as driving a 100 miles in a car. Yikes.

Anything with a battery

We’ve had fun, but it’s time to head back to the dark ages. The majority of batteries in wireless devices use a component called lithium. This is mined in South America using about 50,000 gallons of fresh water for every tonne of lithium, and potentially causing deadly leaks, which can contaminate water supplies.

Thankfully, lithium is recyclable, so perhaps the government could put down it's banning wand for a second and instead think of an incentive here. Recycle 400AAs and you can get a new computer?