The force May be with you, in a strong and stable war on Brussels | John Crace

John Crace
The Supreme Leader loved her country so much she was prepared to destroy it. Photograph: WPA/Getty Images

This wasn’t an election. It was war. The Queen hadn’t been too happy to hear it during their half-hour meeting, but even a monarch had to bow before the wishes of the Supreme Leader. As her limo returned to Downing Street from Buckingham Palace, Kim Jong-May strode purposefully towards the lectern set up in front of No 10. It was time to address her subjects.

There were dark forces at work, she said gravely. The lights were going out all over England. She had tried to be reasonable with the enemy by telling them exactly on what terms Britain was prepared to leave the EU. But the untrustworthy Johnny Foreigner had just thrown it back at her. The continental press had deliberately misrepresented her plans for intergalactic domination. Stick-It-Up-Your-Juncker had dared to say he thought the negotiations might involve negotiation. Deadly threats had been made against the UK.

All of these acts had been deliberately timed to affect the result of the general coronation that would take place on 8 June. There was a global conspiracy at play to make sure she was deposed as Supreme Leader and replaced by the EU collaborator Jeremy Corbyn. Forget the opinion polls that suggested she was heading for a landslide victory. They were just part of a Brussels dirty op. Unknown to everyone in the country but her, the EU had secret agents waiting inside every polling station to stop every Conservative voter.

Only one thing could save Britain at a time like this. “Strong and stable leadership,” she said, sounding ever more deranged and unstable. Kim Jong-May’s eyes glazed over in rapture. All her life she had waited for this moment and now she had got her wish. Now the world could see what a strong and stable finger looked like when it hovered over the nuclear button. What the country needed was a strong and stable war with Brussels and she was the person to give it that strong and stable war. A war with Jeremy Corbyn in charge could only lead to a coalition of chaos.

The Supreme Leader pulled out a union jack hanky and dabbed what she hoped was a tear. She loved her country so much she was prepared to destroy it. “We continue to believe that no deal is better than a bad deal,” she said. Kim Jong-May would never bow before the jackboot of Europe. No matter how accommodating the Brussels bureaucrats tried to be. Britain never, never, never would be slaves. Far better a broke Britain than a Britain beholden to the EU. If a war was what it took for her to crush the Labour appeasers into the dirt, then a war it must be. Only she could save Britain from the Evil Empire. No one in the EU liked her. But she didn’t care. She would fight them on the beaches. She would fight them in the hedgerows.

“Strong and stable, strong and stable, strong and stable,” Kim Jong-May muttered to herself as she made her way back into Downing Street. Once inside, a servant pinned a campaign medal on to her jacket: the Divine Order of the Battle of Brussels. Possibly a little premature, she thought, but not wholly undeserved. Now to get her commanders on a war footing. Which might prove tricky, given the feeble efforts of Philip “Lurch” Hammond and David “the Enforcer” Davis earlier in the day. They just hadn’t exhibited the right degree of paranoia when they had appeared at a campaign event at the Royal Academy of Engineering.

The two men had shuffled their way to the middle of the platform to pose for photographs in front of an election poster featuring Jeremy Corbyn, a nuclear bomb and a slogan that read: “No bombs for our army. One big bombshell for your family.” Except Lurch managed to block out the Labour leader, leaving the Enforcer to stand in front of a bomb and next to a slogan that now read: “Hell for your family.” It wasn’t necessarily quite the message the Supreme Leader had been hoping to get across.

“Strong and stable leadership,” Lurch said, keen to show he could talk perfect Maybot. “Coalition of chaos,” said the Enforcer. “Bingo,” shouted out a reporter from the Sunday Times, who now had a full house on his Kim Jong-May election cliche card.

What about reports the final Brexit divorce bill might be €100bn? “I don’t recognise that figure,” said Lurch. “I don’t recognise that figure, either,” the Enforcer chipped in. Only the Supreme Leader is blessed with the ability to recognise numbers.

Someone then pointed out that the prime minister wasn’t actually going to be part of the negotiating team. The Enforcer was outraged. Kim Jong-May could do what she liked. It wasn’t for the EU to dictate to the Supreme Leader – it was for her to dictate to it. She Who Must Be Obeyed.

In a galaxy far, far away, Kim Jong-May stroked her lightsaber.

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