25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (March 24 - April 6)

I’ve decided to turn the spare bedroom into an extra dining room so my husband can chew apart from me.

— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) March 30, 2020

Quarantine day 13: My husband is describing sandpaper to me.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 29, 2020

Me: *yelling through the front door* THANKS FOR THE DELIVERY. JUST LEAVE THE GROCERIES ON THE DOORSTEP.

Wife: let me in the fucking house.

— dADDisms (@Beagz) March 28, 2020

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 4, 2020

Me: Can you hand me that clip?

Husband: Can you please buy some actual hair clips? Every time you want to wear your hair up I have to finish the chips.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 3, 2020

Every husband in the background of a Zoom conference. pic.twitter.com/eMfnRO7q01

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) April 2, 2020

Wife: What movie should we watch?

Me: That depends. Are you going to stay awake past the opening credits?

Wife: *already asleep*

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2020

Me: Am I annoying you?

My husband: no.

Also my husband: pic.twitter.com/EuhLIH7Q9T

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) April 5, 2020

I told my husband I wanted to buy an expensive blender, he said we don't need an expensive blender. Long story short, how long should I wait before I tell him it arrives tomorrow?

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 2, 2020

Husband: I heard a symptom of the virus is having no taste

Me, looking at his shoes: you should get tested

— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) April 1, 2020

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 24, 2020

Making Sunday breakfast before marriage: Cute and fun

Making Sunday breakfast after marriage and kids: Rage beating eggs and passive aggressively burning bacon

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) March 29, 2020

Me - I can't find the sea salt.

Wife - It's next to the paprika.

Me - No it isn't.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 30, 2020

Wife: What are you guys playing?

Me: Hopscotch.

Wife: But the kids are just hopping up and down while you're drinking scot-

Me:

Wife: Got an extra glass?

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 24, 2020

I ran out of deodorant four days ago. On a completely unrelated note, my husband has quit asking for sex.

— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) March 29, 2020

Had to fake an injury to get out of doing some of these chores I’ve been telling my wife I would do as soon as I had the time.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 26, 2020

Wife (to kids): Wait till your father comes home!!

Me: I’ve...I’ve been here for weeks

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) March 30, 2020

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 1, 2020

[lying in bed]

Me: hope I can get to sleep. so many things running through my head.

Husband: i know. i feel the sa...

Me: huh? hello?

Husband: *snoring*

Me: jfc.

— Mummy Dear 🤦🏼‍♀️ 🇨🇦 (@ThatMummyLife) March 30, 2020

my wife likes to whisper sweet things in my ear in the morning like..."the toilet leaked all night and the floor is flooded."

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 25, 2020

Wife: Did you know 95 percent of people are immune to leprosy?

Me: Wow.

Wife: Did you know humming birds are the only bird that can fly backwards?

Me: Oh.

Wife: Did you know I'm going to keep reading you facts until I'm not bored anymore?

Me: This quarantine needs to end.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2020

Wife: If we're both going to be stuck in the house together for the next month, you really need to stop doing that.

Me: Stop doing what?

Wife [gesturing to me, in general]: that.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 2, 2020

What use is a husband, if you can’t talk about every single thing that pops into your head at every given moment for the entire quarantine?

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 28, 2020

Whenever my husband calls me from the grocery store he whispers. I think he's embarrassed that he has so many questions.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) March 29, 2020

Turns out that my husband knew how to clean thoroughly this whole time. He just needed the motivation of a deadly pandemic.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 26, 2020