‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: Wet Failure

Price Peterson
Writer, Yahoo Entertainment

Warning: This recap for the “Stormborn” episode of Game of Thrones contains spoilers.

Of the many lessons Game of Thrones has taught us over the years, one of the most important is that when you steal a navy and then attempt to have a steamy same-sex makeout session with a rival warlord, sometimes your uncle will show up with a thousand ships that he built over the weekend and murder everybody, including your lover’s children. Uncles have ruined a lot of things, but especially these types of scenarios. In other news, the Greyjoy family does not seem like a great family to be a part of! I’ll explain later.

“Stormborn” was the kind of episode that HBO’s opening disclaimer indicated contained Graphic Violence, Nudity, Strong Sexual Content, Adult Content, and Adult Language, or as my dad used to call it, “Five Stars”! He’s dead now. Let’s talk about this episode!

It was a dark and stormy night, and a first-time homeowner was beginning to have second thoughts about her soggy condo.

You know how even the most lovable dogs smell the absolute worst when they get wet? Just imagine what a wet DRAGON smells like. Now multiply that by three! Daenerys will never get that stench out of her platinum tendrils.

After a scene in which Daenerys weirdly called Varys onto the floor for being a schemer (uh, you’re welcome, girl) the waterlogged royal court received a very special visitor! Melisandre, who is the best, had swung by for a visit and if you didn’t already know she was a sorceress, this fact was obvious by how she managed to travel to this castle without getting a drop of rain on her. Also, was her youthfulness spell more powerful than ever? Welcome back, you sexy crone! Anyway, the Red Priestess came bearing good news: Daenerys was prophesied to be the chosen one or whatever, plus there was a hot undead hunk up the North who would be a good ally for her. In other words Melisandre had undertaken the matchmaking scheme of the century, and Daenerys was INTO IT.

Back at King’s Landing, Cersei was attempting to talk her allies into remaining Team Lannister despite the fact that she had committed a flagrant act of war and terrorism upon their peoples and loved ones. Her logic was basically this: Yes I am a bad and untrustworthy person, but the other guys are brown. Yep, the Lannisters were now officially trafficking in white supremacy, so that was very chill. But harnessing the public’s darkest and most basic prejudices for political gain could never be an effective power strategy, right? Right?!

This is a man named Dickon. I think he’s Samwell’s brother even though he looks different from the hunk who played him last season. Also his name is Dickon. I’m currently workshopping a joke, it’s something along the lines of “Dickon? Well he’s definitely not Unsullied!!” I’m still working on it, but that was a sneak preview. Anyway, just wanted us all to appreciate this character, and here’s to hoping that in future episodes we can all get a little more Dickon.

The bannermen who’d felt uncertain about aligning with Cersei expressed one primary doubt: Daenerys has DRAGONS. But Cersei’s oily, smirking mad scientist bestie was like, “Oh, those?” He then revealed to Cersei his secret and dastardly plan to deal with the dragon problem: Shooting them with a giant crossbow. Genius! How did he ever come up with this idea? Anyway, the main idea was this: Cersei was still very much in this fight, and not even dragons will be unstabbed!

And then in an all-star matchup to rival that one Marvel movie with all the superheroes in it (Revengers?), Daenerys and Tyrion hosted a high tea with Yara, Theon, Ellaria, and Lady Olenna! This was a lot of different countries in one room, plus it was nice they were all female-fronted. What a girl gang! Most of the people in the room were like, “Cool, let’s burn King’s Landing to the ground” but Daenerys was like, “Nah, let’s be more subtle about it.” Ugh, bring a book.

Lady Olenna found Daenerys somewhat charming, but even she was like, “This world is bulls***.” Ninety-nine percent of her family had just been incinerated by Cersei, and she didn’t see this murder-fiesta coming to a close anytime soon, so they may as well exact a little bit of retribution first. But no, Daenerys stood her ground: The Iron Islands fleet would escort the Dornish army to King’s Landing for a grain embargo while the Dothraki and Unsullied would, like, TP Casterly Rock. You know, a peaceful invasion.

Speaking of peaceful invasions! Those of us who have been rooting for Game of Thrones‘ sweetest romance got a huge dose of it this week when Grey Worm revealed his extreme feelings for Missandei and they had no choice but to take their clothes off and get allllll HBO up in there. We’re talking skin, skin, skin. But there was one thing we didn’t get to see…

HBO refused to show us Grey Worm’s situation. Oh come on, HBO! We always have to see ladybits, why not show us a prosthetic Ken doll crotch every now and again? Sorry to be crude about it, because this was actually a sweet and romantic scene. Needless to say, Grey Worm MADE IT WORK. Congrats, cuties.

Yes, that was Ser Jorah reaching his scaly arm out the jail cell slot last week, and this week Sam took it upon himself to try and heal him! (Sam felt loyalty toward the Jorahs after working under Ser Jorah’s father at Castle Black). Anyhow, this involved Sam tracking down the only book in the library about curing greyscale, and then employing a controversial technique that, though it had cured greyscale in the past, also killed the person performing it. This technique? Simply cutting off the grey scales! Again, not quite as brilliant as you’d think, and it involved so much pus and screaming and, oh god, just imagine the smell. Almost once an episode I express gratitude that we can’t smell Game of Thrones, and in this scene I got down on my knees and thanked THE LORD for it. So yeah, Ser Jorah’s gonna lose a few pounds, but it seems like he’ll probably be OK.

At a random tavern, Arya ran into an old friend. Hot Pie! They were buds back when Arya was pretending to be a slave boy, and he seemed happy to see her. At first Arya was very cold toward him, just like, “Gimme that bread.” But when he mentioned that Jon Snow had retaken Winterfell, she brushed the crumbs from her lap, the tears from her eyes, and hopped on her horse. This murderquest was just going to have to wait!

Later she attempted to make a fire when the temperature suddenly dropped by a million degrees. Were White Walkers in the vicinity? No, it was the other form of creature that controls temperature… wolves! And they had a leader… Nymeria! Remember when Arya’s direwolf was banished to the woods back in Season 1? Well she’s back! Except, when Arya attempted to get her to join her in Winterfell, the wolf was like, “Naw” and left. “That wasn’t you,” was what Arya muttered to herself, but do you think it was because this wasn’t actually Nymeria, or just that Nymeria had fully succumbed to the call of the wild? I truly don’t know and maybe never will.

Westeros truly needs to figure out the Group Raven Text situation, because it felt like everyone was sending ravens to each other at the same time. In this case, Daenerys summoned Jon Snow to come hang, and he was like, “I’m in,” but all the other bannermen and child queens were like, “Um, hellooo?” Anyway, Jon Snow had spent a long time at Castle Black and clearly needed to lay his eyes on a sexy babe (aunt), so he geared up for a trip south. But guess who will sit in his throne while he’s gone?

QUEEN SANSA IS QUEEN. LONG LIVE QUEEN SANSA, QUEEN. (She’ll probably do a good job.)

I liked when Littlefinger took Jon Snow aside to give him a gentle reminder that he’s a mega-creep and cannot be trusted. He even told Jon Snow that he loved Sansa the same as he’d loved their mother. Jon Snow, for his part, immediately strangled Littlefinger, because relax, weirdo! But though that was a nice and understandable moment, something tells me it was an unwise move on Jon Snow’s part. Littlefinger tends to hold grudges, trust me on that.

On their carpool back to Dorne, Yara and Ellaria definitely began to make out, and because gay characters are not allowed TO LIVE, their fleet was immediately attacked by this jerk!

Uncles are always making things awkward, and Euron was no exception. And in a tragic turn of events, the Sand Snakes were murdered one by one! Maybe you did not like those characters, but I did! I felt bad seeing them get stabbed and choked so much. I loved when the one ran out and whipped Euron in the face a ton. Get him, girl! Also if I’m not mistaken, aren’t their daggers and whips poisoned? If so, Euron’s gonna have a tough weekend. Still, rest in peace, ladies!

But yeah, the entire invasion scene was frightening, heartbreaking, and so expensive-looking. All of Yara’s ships were destroyed, plus she and Ellaria were taken captive. Euron taunted Theon to come save his sister, and Theon pulled a classic Theon move:

He straight-up RAN AWAY.

But you know, that’s just sort of being consistent at this point. Plus if we know anything about this character, he tends to make up for his cowardice with surprise heroism later. Stay tuned?

“Stormborn” did a lot to suggest that Cersei will be harder to defeat than we thought. But since WE THE VIEWER know that there is an even bigger threat to the north, it’s hard to get overly invested in what’s going on with King’s Landing, you know? Like at some point even Cersei’s going to have to direct her troops toward a zombie invasion, so right now that’s Game of Thrones‘ biggest source of tension. Will the warring superpowers decimate each other before the White Walkers even arrive, or will they hit pause on this here game of thrones and team up to save humanity? Perhaps we will learn the answer to this during the next 11 episodes!

What did YOU think of “Stormborn”?

Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9 p.m. on HBO.

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