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This 'gamified' AI sex toy mimics MMO mechanics by requiring an 8-week grind

 An image of the Myhixel Control, alongside an image of the phone app which records various statistics.
An image of the Myhixel Control, alongside an image of the phone app which records various statistics.

CES is all wrapped up, and while AI fatigue has hit our hardware writers (as the term 'AI' has slipped into the realm of buzzword purgatory) I'm about to make things a hell of a lot worse for everybody. As spotted by TheVerge, there's now an AI-powered sex toy that aims to treat people with premature ejaculation.

The Myhixel Control comes stuffed with an "engaging gamified application" and is a whopping £199 (approx. $253) which is around £190 more expensive than a World of Warcraft subscription and $47,747 cheaper than that one Star Citizen bundle you need a mortgage for. So the price point is gaming-accurate by technicality, I guess.

You're buying more than just a sex toy though, says Myhixel. The Control is designed to help its users "control and prolong their ejaculation time while also improving their overall sexual health" via a gruelling 8-week gear grind to get your own sexy best-in-slot.

It's a familiar time schedule for anyone who's tried to gear up for endgame raids in an MMORPG. I have not tested the Myhixel to see if the 'more DoTs!' guy shows up to shout at you while you're using it.

What's more, the app has AI and machine learning in it—presumably to deliver a bespoke schedule that reacts to your unwanted Any% Myhixel speedrun. The company alleges that the data involved is "secure and anonymized", which is somehow disappointing. I want this thing to have leaderboards and an active parsing community.

It even advertises that there'll be a team of sexperts you can contact in case you're confused by any of the instructions given to you by your new AI companion. The site demonstrates that with this image, which I'm simply obsessed with.

An image of the AI-generated, bluetooth sex toy MyHixel in a customers hand, and a beleaguered doctor in the other.
An image of the AI-generated, bluetooth sex toy MyHixel in a customers hand, and a beleaguered doctor in the other.

If you want to see what the app looks like, here's a TikTok from CES itself, courtesy of HardwareZone. It frames your 8 weeks of scheduled use as a space expedition—for example, for your task on the planet Kronos I, you must "identify the muscles that tense during your stimulation with the Myhixel device." You also get a statistics board with your first use and your best (longest) time recorded for you to compare.

I mean, look. The AI torment nexus is vast and wide—and while I have my doubts as to the scientific validity of Myhixel's claims, if someone wants to gamify their way to sexual health, who am I to judge? On the other hand, you can't just say 'gamify' and not allow people to get competitive with it. For nearly 200 quid? I want leaderboards, I want 40-man raids, I want PvP. I want a battle pass. Get it done, Myhixel.