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Gary Speed’s widow said that losing her husband was like being “in the worst nightmare possible” in her first interview since the tragedy.
On the tenth anniversary of the tragedy, Louise Speed told the Daily Mail that the month of November was always difficult to get through.
She said that she had initially felt anger towards her husband - but has since tried to forgive him for taking his own life.
Louise, 51, told the newspaper: “Have I forgiven Gary? I ask myself this often. Can I? Have I? Will I?
"I don’t know. I have witnessed the hurt he has caused to his family and friends, particularly his boys and his mum and dad and myself.
"The void he has left within us all. So I don’t know. I just don’t know if I have forgiven him yet or not. But of course I want to.”
She added: “The anger has only just subsided and that is part of it. I was angry with him for a long time but that also kept me strong, if you know what I mean?
“It’s when I released that anger that I felt a little bit vulnerable."
The pair first met when Gary was just 15, and Louise moved with him across the country during his career as he changed clubs.
She went on to tell the newspaper that his death “was like being in the worst nightmare possible” and that she still thinks of him “every single day”.
Louise added: “There were no answers and no Gary walking through the door again. Nothing was ever going to be right again.
"I was trudging through life, just functioning. If I could have been anybody else apart from me, for a long time, I would have happily taken it.”
Gary’s two sons Eddie and Tommy were just 14 and 13-years-old when they lost their father. Both are now studying in New York.
Louise praised her sons for the way they coped in the aftermath of their father’s death, saying: “Somehow we managed it, together, and Gary would be so proud.
“I wanted the boys to go somewhere and find themselves and they have. They are Eddie and Tommy Speed. That’s it.”