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There really is a cruise for every predilection. Should you find wearing clothes an inconvenience, the Bare Necessities Big Nude Boat will float your, well, boat. Crazy cat people could try the Meow Meow cruise, while the four-day Backstreet Boys Caribbean tour has been described by the lads themselves as “debauchery”. But, if your idea of a good time includes a vaginal steam followed by a coffee enema colon cleanse, then Goop at Sea could be the cruise for you.
Following its maiden voyage around the Caribbean last year, this way the Goop cruise comes as it sets sail for the crystalline waters of the Med (stopping in Provence, Florence, Sicily and Rome along the way). The news was announced by Captain Gwyneth Paltrow herself. “Care to join me and some of my favorite practitioners in the Italian Riviera and France?” she asked her 7.9 million Instagram followers. “I am excited to introduce goop at Sea. We’ll be hosting exclusive goop-led workshops during a 9-day cruise.”
GP has been appointed Wellbeing Advisor for Celebrity Cruises and will commandeer its new state-of-the-art Celebrity Beyond vessel to take Goop to the high seas this autumn. Her mission? To curate “exclusive holistic wellness programming and products” to make the cruise “even more restorative”.
The nine-night trip will depart from Barcelona in September and you can be on board for a mere £5,000. A relative bargain, given that tickets for Goop’s one-day wellness summits cost upwards from £1,000 (the weekend package at the 2019 London summit had a price tag of £4,500).
So what to expect from the purveyor of fanny candles, 24-karat gold dildos and psychic vampire repellent? Water. “I love being on the water, I love being by the water and I love being in the water,” the actress said of Goop at Sea. “I think, energetically, it’s very cleansing to be near the sea or in the sea.” Off to a strong start then.
To aid Goop devotees in their quest for water-based energetic healing, the ocean liner has an “innovative, outward facing design leveraging endless ocean vistas and breathtaking panoramas” (code for “big windows”). Goop attendees will also have the run of The Retreat, a luxury new space designed by interiors doyenne Kelly Hoppen featuring a private Daniel Boulud restaurant, and an exclusive sundeck — the kind where pool attendants bring you chilled water and scented hand towels to your lounger.
There will also be an audience with the high priestess of wellness herself. Shipmates on last year’s cruise were disappointed to discover that GP wasn’t actually onboard and instead had to make do with a welcome message on their cabin TV. This time, Gwyneth will be there in the tanned, glowing flesh to conduct a live interview with a top wellness expert and to answer audience questions. “Did you develop a yeast infection when using your jade yoni egg, too?” might be one.
GP has also created a custom detox smoothie, there will be a selection of Goop’s signature skincare products , including GOOPGLOW and GOOPGENES, available to buy and a curated collection of on-demand wellness classes on the in-cabin televisions.
But wait, there’s more. Days will be filled with interactive expert-led sessions focused on “enhancing the mind, body and soul”. Details so far are scant but — if the Goop wellness summits are anything to go by — here’s hoping for crystal readings, breath workshops and meditation sessions. Would be preferable if GP left the bee venom therapy (she has claimed that being stung by bees helped her “completely” eliminate an old injury) and group masturbation back on dry land. Though it depends what you’re into.
Gwyneth will be joined on the cruise by Kiki Koroshetz, Goop’s VP of Content, who runs the onboard Women in Wellness programme. She is, she says, “focused on the intersection of exploration and wellness” and is “fortunate to bring some brilliant experts and teachers onboard, literally, and this new adventure — a mix of discovery and restoration — will be a wholly unique experience”.
Elsewhere away from the Goopness, guests will be able to book into calorie-zapping F45 classes and make use of the spa which comes with a list of facilities so high-tech it reads more like one of Elon Musk’s new projects. Passengers can enjoy an MLX i3Dome, Quartz 4DWellmassage beds and Ideal Image® Ocean — oh, and Peloton bikes.
The Goop cruises are the latest pillar in Gwyneth’s $250 million wellness empire. What started as a recommendations newsletter in 2008 when she was living in London with then-husband Coldplay’s Chris Martin (one has to pass the time somehow) has evolved into a website, ecommerce site, podcast, netflix series, live events business and now a travel mega-brand. With wellness tourism estimated to be worth $816 billion this year, the smart money is on a Goop Hotel next.
As GP says: “We’re here one time, one life. How can we really, like, milk the shit out of this?”