It’s the greatest school on Earth: LaVar Ball High

Dan Wetzel
Columnist
LaVar Ball is a star. Just ask him. (Getty)

LaVar Ball announced Monday he was pulling his youngest son, LaMelo, out of Chino Hills (Calif.) High School.

This is due to a dispute with the old basketball coach, the new basketball coach, the athletic director, other parents, various administrators and the city of Chino Hills itself for not changing its name to LaVar Ball Hills, California, because he’d clearly beat whomever Chino is in a game of one-on-one.

“I’m going to home-school him and make him the best basketball player ever,” LaVar told ESPN of LaMelo, who is one of the best players in the Class of 2019 and already committed to UCLA.

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So in addition to running the family’s Big Baller Brand shoe and apparel company, watching eldest son Lonzo’s rookie season with the Los Angeles Lakers and middle son LiAngelo’s freshman season at UCLA, starring in an internet reality show and admiring himself in the mirror, LaVar is now … an educator.

LaVar Ball is a dedicated and loving father who wants the best for his children, namely manipulating the NBA draft so they all play for the Lakers (he’s 1-for-1 so far). This is far better than a man having little to no involvement with his children. So as unorthodox as his plans often may be, at least they are plans. The guy cares.

Still, it’s fair to ask what LaVar Ball knows about being a teacher. Fortunately, the Yahoo Sports crack investigative reporting staff was able to acquire the syllabus at LaVar Ball High School.

8 a.m. – Math: Why 50 Shots Is Never Enough

8:15 a.m. – Marketing: Self-Promotion, college master’s level class

8:30 a.m. – Call Lakers coach Luke Walton to discuss some plays for Lonzo. Leave message when it goes straight to voicemail.

8:32 a.m. – Call UCLA coach Steve Alford to discuss some plays for LiAngelo. Leave message when it goes straight to voicemail.

8:34 – STEM Class: Scout old Michael Jordan videos for potential one-on-one game weaknesses

8:45 a.m. – Driver’s Ed: Stay In Your Lane

9 a.m. – English: Boys Names That Begin with “L”, college master’s level class

LaMelo Ball isn’t your average 16 year old. (Getty)

9:25 a.m. – Tech Media: Send mean tweets to Chino Hills High basketball.

9:40 a.m. – History: All-Time Greatest Ninth Men in College Basketball, LaVar Ball of the 1988-89 Washington State Cougars

9:50 a.m. – Chemistry: The Science of Making Friends in the Locker Room When Your Father is an Attention-Grabbing Sociopath

10 a.m. – Watch ESPN’s “First Take”

12 p.m. – Lunch: LaBurgers

12:10 p.m. – Music: Scales, with a concentration on “La”

12:20 p.m. – Call Walton to discuss some plays for Lonzo. Leave another message when it goes straight to voicemail.

12:22 p.m. – Call Alford to discuss some plays for LiAngelo. Leave another message when it goes straight to voicemail.

12:24 – Philosophy: Why Lonzo Is Better Than Steph Curry

12:35 p.m. – Drama: How to Create It, college master’s level class

12:45 p.m. – Statistics: Calculating the probability LaMelo is named most likely to succeed, best dressed (he wears Big Baller Brand sneakers after all), prom king and valedictorian of LaVar Ball High School Class of 2019.

12:55 – Call the Los Angeles Times to report that LaMelo scored 100 points on 50-of-50 shooting last night for the LaVar Ball High School varsity basketball team and is now leading scorer in school history.

1 p.m. – History: All-Time Greatest Sixth-Place Team in College Basketball, the 1988-89 Washington State Cougars

1:15 p.m. – Literature: Catch-22, if LaVar can beat Michael Jordan and Lonzo is already better than Steph Curry, then how can LaMelo become “the greatest player ever”?

1:30 pm. – Math: LaVar counts all of Charles Barkley’s NBA championships

1:31 p.m. – Economics: Why $395 is a Deal for a Pair of Sneakers. And 60 Bucks for a T-shirt Also Makes Total Sense.

1:45 p.m. – Call Walton to discuss some plays for Lonzo. Complain in a voicemail that the call always goes to voicemail.

1:47 p.m. – Call Alford to discuss some plays for LiAngelo. Complain in a voicemail that the call always goes to voicemail.

1:49 p.m. – Debate Team: How to Properly Berate an AAU Ref

2 p.m. – Business Administration: Dos and don’ts of Proposing a $1 billion Endorsement Deal with Nike

2:04 p.m. – Home Economics: How to Be a Stage Dad, college master’s level class

2:15 p.m. – Applied Creativity: The Art of Poor Shot Selection

2:30 p.m. – Modern Media: Call into local sports radio show “Petros and Money” using disguised voice. Complain Lonzo and LiAngelo aren’t getting enough plays called for them.

2:35 p.m. – Modern Media: Call back to “Petros and Money” using disguised voice and blast the Chino Hills High basketball coaching staff.

2:50 pm. – Modern Public Relations: How to Get the Media to Overreact to Your Every Word and Action, including making dumb lists about fake class schedules at your home-school high school

3 p.m. – Drive over to watch UCLA practice. En route, call Walton and when it goes to voicemail complain that your name was mysteriously left off the Lakers comp ticket list for the last game.

3:45 p.m. – Arrive in Westwood and call Alford and when it goes directly to voicemail complain that the door to the gym is locked. Again.

4 p.m. – Meet with chancellor of UCLA about becoming professor LaVar Ball.

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