Gwyneth’s $30K sex chair and flamingo compost: the goop Holiday Gift Guide is here

 (Netflix)
(Netflix)

The goop Holiday Gift Guide is now as much a part of the traditional run-up to Christmas as advent calendars and office parties

In the luxury wellness world of goop the price tags are as eye-watering as their extreme treatments, and their gift guides have duly become the showpiece moment for the brand. A chance for a wider audience to have a glimpse into their excess which is now done with a sense of self-awareness and even a sense ‘giving them what they want’ – how else to explain this year’s list, which is way out there, even for them...

Over ten different categories, you pick out items that can improve your life in ways you never knew you needed and certainly can’t afford. How about a Satin Baguette Bag ($239) to, er, carry your baguettes with? Or how about premium 100% bamboo toilet paper from $44, or a pair of Smartgoggles ($199) that massage your tired eyeballs (cheaper option: a nap)?

The Tufted Boudoir Chaise (goop/Kiki De Montparnase)
The Tufted Boudoir Chaise (goop/Kiki De Montparnase)

For those in danger of losing their home and also suffering from a stress-related orgasm deficit, you can could sell up and instead purchase a $28,500 sex chair – sorry, Tufted Boudoir Chaise. At least you’ll die from exposure with a smile on your face (alternatively, simply wait for the flat-packed IKEA knock-off version (watch out for splinters)).

Men can be treated to a $1745 watch case. Not a watch, just the case. Or, to get with the sexual wellness program (where even masturbation is an opportunity for conspicuous consumption) buy the man in your life an Arcwave Ion sex toy, which apparently gives men the feeling of a female orgasm. That is, if he’s brave enough to place his penis into what looks like a moulded plastic bacon slicer.

Gucci Waste Bag Holder (goop/Gucci)
Gucci Waste Bag Holder (goop/Gucci)

Pet owners can buy their dogs an upcycled wood bed for $359, and a Gucci dog poo bag holder for $420. Anyone doing so should perhaps then have a break under professional care, perhaps at the Aman suite and spa house in New York, where the gift experience they’re plugging is $40,000 for one night.

Children can be turned into despicable human beings forever with an Electric Longboard ($549.99), a Dino Brilliante Necklace ($490) or an Angel Wing Fleece Robe ($99). If you’re worried about your little darling’s manicured hands, perhaps go for the Scooter Warmmuffs to keep their fingers toastie as they scoot across the pavement from the school gates to the waiting limo.

Flamingo Estate’s The Good Sh*t (goop/Flamingo Estate)
Flamingo Estate’s The Good Sh*t (goop/Flamingo Estate)

The madness keeps on coming: free-range Flamingo excrement compost, $75 a bag; a joint-rolling machine for $299; a ‘personalised soul song’ for $225, which is a 12 minute piano composition inspired by your birth planetary alignment (presumably for those whose soul was sold long ago). Or how about simply a 10-ounce gold bar (prices available on request)? Puts Bart Simpson socks and a box of Celebrations into perspective doesn’t it?