If there’s one thing that could put you off your stride during the act of passionate love-making, it’s the spectre of Ed Woodward appearing at the bottom of the bed waving various sheets of A4 paper in the air. And it is for this reason that Antoine Griezmann’s move to Manchester United could be finalised sooner rather than later.

The Metro reports that the Frenchman is keen to get his future “locked down” before his upcoming honeymoon, presumably to remove the risk of Manchester United’s transfer henchmen milling around his all-inclusive resort trying to get him to sign contracts and interrupting his romantic dinners and snogging.

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The honeymoon will reportedly begin in three weeks, which means Griezmann could be a United player by then. Or he could have decided to stay at Atletico Madrid or play for someone else entirely.

Atletico’s president Enrique Cerezo claims in the Mirror that he doesn’t think anyone – United included – will pay Griezmann’s £85m release clause. He clearly has no idea how frivolous the Red Devils are with their transfer funds, bless him.

Terribly wrong

United could splurge another £50m on Ross Barkley, who the Mirror says has reached “the end of the line” in his contract talks with Everton. The Toffees are expecting bids from Old Trafford and also Tottenham, although the current asking price sounds a bit steep for someone with one year left on his contract.

In less bombastic Man United news, the Sun says Barcelona’s incoming manager Ernesto Valverde wants to make United’s player of the season, Ander Herrera, his first signing at the Nou Camp, which is a scary prospect for Jose Mourinho. It’s all set up for Wayne Rooney to undergo one last reinvention as a defensive midfielder.

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Once upon a time, William Carvalho used to get regularly linked with Man United, but something seems to have gone terribly wrong because these days he is more likely to be tipped to join West Brom or Newcastle.

The Star says the newly promoted Magpies are set to launch a “stunning £39m raid” for the Sporting Lisbon midfielder. One suspects the person who will be most stunned is Carvalho himself, although the story does contain the carrot that Manchester City and Arsenal are also interested.

Elsewhere, West Ham are battling with Turkish side Besiktas to sign £6m-rated Juventus striker Mario Mandzukic (Talksport), Crystal Palace are targeting Burnley manager Sean Dyche as a replacement for the dearly departed Sam Allardyce (Mirror) and Aberdeen boss Derek McInnes is in line to fill the David Moyes-shaped hole at Sunderland (Mail). There are not enough Dereks in the Premier League these days, but this could be one small step to rectifying that.

@darlingkevin