Yahoo News Is It Ever Okay To Break Up With A Friend (And How To Do It)
[Artwork: mayaavineri/Etsy]
You’ve probably encountered a friendship that leaves you feeling disappointed or frustrated. Your devotion isn’t returned, you feel neglected, the person you came to count on fails to be there in your time of need. Or perhaps you have a buddy who is too needy and leaves you feeling exhausted.
It can be a real downer. Yet you keep returning to the relationship like a faithful old dog who doesn’t know any better.
Friendships should be rewarding and supportive. Sure, sometimes your mates can be annoying, nobody’s perfect, but more often than not, they should be a source of happiness not exasperation or sadness.
So, is it ever okay to break up with a friend? Short answer: yes, absolutely. But there are some big questions you need to ask yourself before you do so.
What do you hope to gain from breaking up?
If you’re planning on exiting a friendship make sure your motivations are sincere. Breaking up with a friend because you want to hurt them or ‘teach them a lesson’ is a decision based on anger. Making choices while you’re mad will only lead to regret and more pain.
What do you get out of the friendship?
If it’s one that spans many years your friend may hold a piece of your personal history and share precious memories only the two of you can indulge in and reminisce about. How valuable is that to you and how willing are you to say goodbye to it?
Manage your expectations.
You may feel hurt your friend doesn’t reciprocate the level of commitment you’re offering but they shouldn’t feel pressured to do so either. It’s important to manage your expectations; if your mate is repeatedly flakey, why are you constantly surprised? Take emotional responsibility for the way you’re feeling; your friend may be working their way through their own problems, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t value you.
Talk
Your buddy may not be aware of how you’re feeling and could even be mortified to know they’ve been causing you pain. Be brave, talk face to face, give each other the chance to express yourselves and hash out any difficulties or misunderstandings that may arise.
Perhaps ending things isn’t right for you but some distance would be healthy in order to break the cycle of bad habits.
Recognise when a friendship is toxic.
If you’ve reached out to your friend in a time of need and they’ve been elusive, well, that’s pretty s*itty behaviour. Still, remember, some people are just rubbish at that kind of stuff. Keep in mind what you get out of the friendship and ask yourself if it’s worth preserving.
There’s a big difference between a mate that’s a bit flakey and one that’s toxic. If your friend puts you down, makes you feel bad about yourself, betrays your trust or sucks the life out of you it may be time to cut ties.
Recognise when it’s time to let go.
If you find yourself ruminating over the details of your disappointing friendship, if it’s making you feel or behave in ways you don’t like or recognise, it’s probably a sign to let go.
If you’ve tried talking with your buddy and they’ve not been open-minded about your feelings, if you don’t feel valued and your friendship is bringing you more sadness than joy, free yourself.
How to break up.
Try to do this in person. It’s the most courageous and mature thing to do. Meet on neutral ground; a park, cafe or bar, somewhere public so you can both keep a check on your emotions. Be kind. Frame your reasons for breaking up around your needs, not their shortcomings.
If you do feel it’s necessary to let them know they’ve hurt you, choose your battles; making insults or pointing out flaws may not be worth the aftermath. There’s no ‘winner’ in this situation. It’s a time for closure.
Forgive.
While you may find if difficult, forgiveness is the road to freedom. Forgive your friend for the way they made you feel. You don’t have to forget it but letting go of your pain through forgiveness will liberate you and help you to move on. More importantly forgive yourself. Shouldering the ‘blame’ for a disappointing friendship is pointless and keeps you anchored in the past. Don’t hold on to guilt. Forgive yourself entirely.
16 Stupendous Shower Curtains That’ll Transform Your Boring Bathroom
