Keep calm and don’t mention Brexit: how to be a woke tourist

You’re all going on a summer holiday? Good for you, especially with today’s weather. But if that holiday’s on mainland Europe, be prepared: Brexit shaming is the order of the day. “It used to be that when you said you were from London everyone would say ‘amazing!’, and now it’s like ‘eeek, sorry”, confides a recent returnee from Paris. “They’re like, guys, what happened?”

Three-quarters of MPs are planning staycations this summer, while there’s been a 23.8 per cent surge in British people planning holidays in the UK. Is this a consequence of the weak pound (thanks, Brexit), or down to the fact that we just can’t face our European neighbours?

Rob Cobbold, a poker instructor, was recently in a small Spanish village when the epidemic struck. “I’d just sat down for dinner,” he recalls. “Some locals on the next table leant over and said, excuse me, but can I just ask why? We knew exactly what they were talking about. I had to try and explain the embarrassment. People had legitimate reasons to be upset, but the finger was pointing in the wrong place.”

“I had to get my car fixed in the South of France last month,” says another friend. “This involved the mechanic taking it for a drive with me in the passenger seat. It was clear after a few pleasantaries we’d both hit the limits of each other’s languages and so we settled into silence. After about five minutes without a word he turns to me and just goes “Le Brexit... huh?” and looks at me in bewilderment. I just shrugged and said “Oui...” We drove back to the garage in silence.”

There are moments of respite. “Outside of Paris, don’t be surprised to find a lot of French people in agreement with the decision to split”, says Vanessa Grall, author of Don’t Be a Tourist in Paris: The Messy Nessy Chique Guide. “As an ex-Londoner in Paris I try to avoid political debates with Uber drivers (they love to get into it) but until there’s some real change that affects our everyday lives, we’re all just getting on with it. There’s no animosity, at the worst, light teasing at apéro hour.’

So how does this affect you? The Great British etiquette guide needs an update: how to win friends and influence people, even when you’re bidding them adieu.

Ex appeal

You’re moving on. Don’t rub it in their faces. Treat your ex as you would treat a colleague. Be friendly and respectful without indicating too much closeness. Keep interactions light. Especially if you have not seen each other in a while, resist the urge to address long-simmering relationship issues. Avoid alcohol.

Don’t get lost in translation

Learn how to say, “I voted Remain”, in the language of the country you’re visiting. This will take five minutes. Or prepare and translate a robust defence of your Leave position. This may require more time.

Be a high flyer

Up your plane game. In a survey of the most despised plane habits, elbow jostling (55% of those surveyed complained), being rude to cabin crew (53%), putting feet between the gaps of seats (33%) and hogging the window (19%) are easily fixed, right? Lads on tour, a uniquely British export, are universally despised, so keep it out the cabin. Oh yes, and don’t call anyone “basic”. At least not to their face. Or just get trains. They are more eco-friendly.

Talk the talk

Remember the magic words. “In the UK, we just tend to say, “excuse me” when asking for attention, but in France that’s a big mistake”, says Grall. “It is customary if not absolutely necessary to smile and say “Bonjour, madame/monsieur” to shop assistants or waitresses before asking for anything. Politeness with the French, believe it or not Britain, is a big thing.” They are French, they are not animals.

Dress for the occasion

Carrying a small EU flag on a stick is generally acceptable. Wearing an “I heart EU” t-shirt while carrying a giant Union Jack to Eurovision is encouraged.

Put your game face on

Adopt a disguise.Jack English totally might have voted for Brexit, but Jacques Anglais did not. Make penitent remarks to every European you meet about the bleak economic outlook of a post-Brexit Britain. Carry a constantly apologetic look on your face and get the pity vote.

Brexit means breakfast

Order a continental breakfast, not a Full English. This will ingratiate you to cooks across the channel.

Remember it could be worse...

...You could be from Trump’s America.

Follow Samuel Fishwick on Twitter: @Fish_o_wick