King Keir cannot pacify his feuding courtiers

King Keir observes his loyal subjects
King Keir observes his loyal subjects - Hollie Adams/Bloomberg

When trying to describe how workplaces operate, people often resort to an “organogram”. With the workplace of Sir Keir Starmer, however, such 21st-century concepts are unhelpful. We are witnessing something more like an unconstitutional monarchy when the King’s counsellors fall out.

This week, the Court of Keir has made its progress to Liverpool, a city renowned for its hatred of privilege. I have been passed the following fragments, undated, but clearly recent. I hope they will assist the understanding of conference-goers:

10 DOWNING STREET 
King Keir and Queen Victoria today received representatives of the British Fashion Industry, who presented them with suitable garments. The Queen in the North (Mrs Angela Rayner) was similarly honoured.

Lord Alli, Master of the Robes, was in attendance. He also assisted Mr Wes Streeting, Mr Ed Miliband, Mr David Lammy, Ms Bridget Phillipson, Ms Liz Kendall, Uncle Tom Cobbleigh and all.

Ms Rachel Reeves, Keeper of the Privy Purse, was present, accoutred by Mrs Juliet Rosenfeld.

His Majesty was also pleased to receive the Worshipful Company of Opticians, the board of Arsenal Football Club and tickets from the promoters of Miss Taylor Swift.

The proceedings were observed by HRH Prince, the Siberian kitten.

KING CHARLES STREET
Mr David Lammy received the Tribute of the 10,000 Ceremonial Golden Sovereigns on behalf of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. The token was presented by Mr Mudassar Ahmed.

10 DOWNING STREET
His Majesty graciously conferred upon Ms Sue Gray, Keeper of the Gate, £3,000 more than he gets. Mr Nicholas Boles, Turner of the Coat, was in attendance.

Sir Simon Case, Cabinet Secretary, Mr Morgan McSweeney, Mr Matthew Doyle, Mr Stuart Bingham, Mr Mark Davies, Mr Brendan Threlfall and several other Gentlemen of the Presence Chamber, were not in attendance.

Sir Oliver Robbins, Rejoiner to His Majesty, was in the offing.


A call for plenty

Did you know that September is Creation Tide? Probably not, even if you are a practising Christian, because the ceremony has only recently been invented.

Since early times, the Church has had rituals concerned with bad weather and the fruits of the earth. There are good prayers for rain (“such moderate rain and showers…”), and against dearth and famine.

What, in the Church of England, is called Rogationtide happens just before Ascension Day, and involves a procession to bless the land for good crops.

Lammas Day (August 1), with its special loaves, gives thanks for the wheat harvest.

In 1843, the great Cornish eccentric, the Revd Robert Hawker, decided to Christianise the secular “Harvest Home”, inventing the Harvest Festival. This remains popular in late summer and early autumn today.

The C of E’s new Creation Tide service cuts out the fun of Harvest Festival. It contains numerous confessions of our “selfishness”, “greed” and “failure to protect the environment” and tells us to “reduce our waste”.

Some of this is right thinking.

Stewardship of the earth appears prominently in Genesis. So does the need to say sorry: the Book of Common Prayer’s collect “for fair weather” reminds us that “the sin of God didst once drown all the world, except eight persons”: only His great mercy can save us from another “plague of rain and waters”.

There is a difference, however.

All previous harvest liturgy has emphasised production, celebrating “plenty”. The Creation Tide service neglects this and it is therefore thin. Congregations are likely to be thinner.


The cleverest man

Sad news of the death of Peter Jay, who was once – while son-in-law of the then Prime Minister, Jim Callaghan – the British Ambassador to the United States.

Peter was a man of many parts – writer, BBC Economics Editor, civil servant, economist. But he suffered the terrible misfortune of being declared a genius when very young.

I remember when this crystallised, roughly 50 years ago. The Sunday Times magazine ran Jay on its cover, with the headline “Is this the cleverest man in Britain?” Peter was indeed very clever, but the answer to that silly (and very Oxonian) question was, “No”.

Ever afterwards, Jay excited envy and ridicule which he did not deserve. His genuine originality – including 
his pushing, from the Left, the monetarism which Margaret Thatcher eventually championed – was undervalued.

Nowadays, no one would dare ask who is the cleverest man in Britain. We now know, thanks to feminism, that all men are brutishly stupid. “Who is the cleverest woman?” you ask. Pass; but it isn’t Angela Rayner.