Laura Craik on tween spending, brooding tattoos and Tomb Raider trolls

Last night I woke up and thought a stranger was in the room.

‘Waaah,’ I squawked. But it was just a pile of clothes. Who knew nine Zara items could look so menacing in the dark? I always bulk-buy from Zara: spend more than £50 and it’s free delivery. Actually, I spent £240, but sent everything back except the navy jumper because I am trying to shop mindfully which, when you’re over 25, just means being more basic than ever.

Online shopping is convenient — too convenient — but nothing beats the theatre of a good store. I’m increasingly poleaxed by the sheer volume of everything-in-every-colour crying out to be loved.

Alas, there’s not enough love in the world. Some players on the high street are too prolific, too reactive, for their own good. They need to stop chasing the Balenci-Vetements Instabloggers and focus on the second-coolest girl in the room. Remember, she is price sensitive, and can buy a sweatshirt for £8.46 on Romwe. You don’t know Romwe? Honey, it makes Primark look expensive.

I’ll tell you who the high street needs to court: tweens. While millennials are busy worrying about making the rent, tweens have time on their hands and pocket money in their piggy banks or, if their parents have their s*** together, bank accounts (hello, you can get a debit card aged 11). Their needs are simple: free stickers and proximity to a food source. Aged 10, they discover Brandy Melville, swiftly moving on to Urban Outfitters, which they will describe as ‘peng’ until someone older rolls their eyes. Topshop is also peng, because it does the best mom jeans, and the Oxford Circus branch also sells sweets. Hook these customers while they’re still unencumbered by the prescriptive aesthetic influence of the Kardashians, and maybe they’ll be loyal for life. As theories go, it’s no more groundless than the race-to-the-bottom for sponsored posts by people who bought their followers.

EYES WITHOUT A FACE

The eyes of Dr TJ Eckleburg have nothing on Zayn Malik. If you haven’t read The Great Gatsby (who even are you?) they feature on an old billboard, with Fitzgerald describing how ‘his eyes, dimmed a little by many paintless days, brood over the solemn dumping ground’. Which is EXACTLY what Gigi’s eyes are doing, only tattooed on poor Zayn’s chest. Why, Zayn? Why? Have you not made enough dodgy decisions in your life without having the eyes of the girlfriend you had at 24 indelibly inked on to your body? You can never do the missionary position again. Nobody wants Gigi’s eyes looming over them: it kills the mood. You’ll have to wear a vest. Either that, or get her eyes converted into Celtic symbols. Can they do that? Calling Dr Woo.

BAP ATTACK

From Gigi’s eyes to Alicia Vikander’s breasts, truly it’s been a week for random body parts. Despite working out so hard for Tomb Raider that even her trainer urged her to have a day off, Vikander’s body has been found lacking by some fans. Did I say fans? I meant morons. Never mind that she currently has a six-pack to rival Michael B Jordan, her boobs are too small to play Lara Croft. They’re not as big as Angelina Jolie’s, apparently (Jolie played Lara in the 2001 and 2003 films), which, according to one reviewer, renders Tomb Raider ‘the worst film in recent mammary’. Gee, that’s funny. Bet you wish you could date that guy. I don’t know how we got to a point in time when women are criticised for failing to look like characters in a freaking video game, but here we are.