What have I learned from my child’s bedtime stories? Celebrities should stop writing them

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin. Once upon a time there was a harried new parent (me, I’m talking about me) who sat down and read her baby a book. Then she read the baby another book and then she read the baby another book etc, etc. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you have a kid, isn’t it? You read them books so they can develop a passion for literature and grow up to have an impecunious future in the arts.

As far as I can tell, my 10-month-old hasn’t developed a passion for literature yet. Unless you count putting books in her mouth, squealing, and then throwing them across the room as a “passion”. But I’ve certainly learned a lot from all this new reading material. And, because sharing is caring (a big theme in kids’ books), I’m going to share these learnings with you.

Number one: it’s time we had a serious conversation about Dear Zoo. Everyone loves this classic baby book – we were gifted FIVE copies of it – but the central theme is disturbing. A small child keeps sending animals back to the zoo because they’re not quite up to snuff? I’m sorry, but I strongly suspect that book helped raise a generation of Karens of all genders. It might as well be called Dear Zoo (I Want To Speak To The Manager).

My second big learning is that celebrities really need to stop writing kids’ books. By my calculations, 93.2% of celebrities, from Whoopi Goldberg to Chelsea Clinton to Jimmy Fallon to George Galloway(!!) to Kelly Clarkson to Mike Pence’s rabbit have authored a kids’ book. Most of these are either terrible or terribly unimaginative. Here, for example, is a sample quote from one of Fallon’s creations: “This is baby’s nose, these are baby’s fingers, these are baby’s toes.” Must be nice to be famous! You can get paid a gazillion bucks to rhyme nose with toes. I guess that’s just how it goes. Money makes money; when you’re rich, you keep stacking up the zeros. (Where’s my book contract, eh?). Which moves me on to my final learning: everyone seems to think they can write a great kids’ book, but very few people actually can. Writing a great children’s book isn’t child’s play, it’s serious work.

• Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist