London Larks: Your weekly dose of capital humour

·5-min read
Gemma Collins felt “a bit sick” after paying  £1,450 for a Gold Tomahawk steak at Salt Bae’s new London restaurant  (Getty Images)
Gemma Collins felt “a bit sick” after paying £1,450 for a Gold Tomahawk steak at Salt Bae’s new London restaurant (Getty Images)

Brooklyn Beck-Ham

 (Today)
(Today)

It was not a week of culinary highs for Brooklyn Beckham, who was swiftly and mercilessly derided for a US television segment in which he opted to make…a sandwich.

The clip sees Beckham standing in front of a large, apparently cold pan - his “favourite” pan – before draping a lone slice of raw bacon next to a selection of previously-cooked meats.

He then moves onto steps such as cutting a sausage in half, dabbing a piece of bacon with kitchen roll, and, once fully constructed, lightly crushing the whole sandwich in a move he calls the “squish it down.”

Despite the less-than-favourable reaction of Twitter, a nearby “judging panel” seemed to find the whole thing fairly agreeable - nodding and smiling and making enigmatic comments such as “pork on pork, very nice.”

Cake it ‘til you make it

 (PA)
(PA)

Last weekend was a good one for cake, though (yes, we know all weekends are technically good for cake), as Anna Bassil became the fastest woman to finish the London Marathon dressed as the “sweet food.”

“It was good that it was dry,” Bassil said of the race, in a statement not often paired with mentions of the spongy stuff.

Sadly, the faux-sponge was also far from light - constructed from chicken wire, hula hoops and papier-mache, Bassil added that she could not use her arms and was “quite uncomfortable” with the weight of the construction (and cake-lovers’ expectation) resting on her shoulders. Luckily there were plenty of fans in the crowd to cheer her on, with cries of “go cake” (a new-and-improved card game?) merrily following Bassil on her way.

A dry, heavy sponge that can run at great speed might not sound ideal in most circumstances, but with a potential £20,000 raised for charity, we think this one deserves a generous slice of applause.

Cat’s out of the bag for Lloyd-Webber

 (Getty Images)
(Getty Images)

While Brooklyn Beckham might not have had the best week, Sir Andrew Lloyd-Webber apparently had a much worse 2019.

Speaking in an interview with Variety, Lloyd-Webber said the 2019 adaptation of his musical Cats left him so “emotionally damaged” that he immediately ran out to purchase – yes, you guessed it - a dog.

“I saw it and I just thought, ‘Oh God, no.’ It was the first time in my 70-odd years on this planet that I went out and bought a dog. So the one good thing to come out of it is my little Havanese puppy.”

The dog had to be registered as a therapy pet in order to be taken on a US flight, the composer explained. “I wrote off and said I needed him with me at all times because I’m emotionally damaged and I must have this therapy dog.

“The airline wrote back and said, ‘Can you prove that you really need him?’ And I said, ‘Yes, just see what Hollywood did to my musical Cats. Then the approval came back with a note saying, ‘No doctor’s report required.’”

We hope he’s feline better now.

An expensive mis-steak

Gemma Collins with cook Salt Bae (Gemma Collins/Instagram)
Gemma Collins with cook Salt Bae (Gemma Collins/Instagram)

Gemma Collins, meanwhile, has been a bit peaky for different reasons.

Speaking on her eponymous podcast, the TOWIE star described her “utter shock” at receiving a £1,450 bill for a 24 carat Golden Tomahawk steak at Salt Bae’s new London restaurant.

“The press reported that my steak cost £700,” she added. “If only they knew.”

As one might imagine when ingesting a reasonable amount of metal (the steak was encased in gold leaf), she also mentioned feeling “a bit sick” after the experience.

“I told all my friends and family that we won’t be eating out for a long time, not at those prices.”

Luckily, Collins now has a cheaper alternative up her sleeve. “I love [my boyfriend’s] steaks the most and I’m going to treat him and me to some gold foil off the internet for £4.99.”

Duvet days

 (Getty Images for The Met Museum)
(Getty Images for The Met Museum)

Good news for anyone struggling to get out of bed at the moment – it is now almost socially acceptable to go to work dressed in your duvet.

Well, at least according to A$AP Rocky, who recently sidled into the Met Gala wearing what was, in essence, a massive second-hand quilt.

The “vintage” blanket was picked up from an LA thrift shop, with the great-granddaughter of the original quilt-maker, an account by the name of @books_n_babies, later revealing herself on Instagram: “Looks like great-grandma Mary went to the Met Gala with A$AP.”

So if you don’t fancy getting your own quilt grubby on the Tube, you could always try borrowing someone else’s.

A bit of a stink for Murray

 (Andy Murray/Instagram)
(Andy Murray/Instagram)

Andy Murray – notoriously sweaty man – had an unfortunate incident this week after losing a pair of smelly trainers and his wedding ring in one fell swoop.

Having abandoned trainers and ring underneath his car - an apparently deliberate decision - Murray returned to find both had gone missing.

Murray often ties the ring to his shoelaces, and in the instance needed to dry the shoes after hot weather rendered them, in his words, “damp, sweaty, and yeah - smelly, basically.”

As luck would have it, though, Murray has now managed to track down the lost items. “Would you believe it, they still absolutely stink but the shoes are back, the wedding ring is back and I’m back in the good books. Let’s GO,” said Murray on Instagram, while taking a blissful, slightly-too-long sniff of his own shoes.

Gove us strength

 (@johnjohnstonmi)
(@johnjohnstonmi)

Last but not least, honourable mention of the week goes to “Jon Bon Govey” – Boris Johnson’s words, not ours - otherwise known as Michael-limbs-akimbo-Gove flailing around on a dancefloor. Again.

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