The Londoner: Mark my words- Francois speaks as parody gets book agent

CONSERVATIVE MP Mark Francois has welcomed the news that his infamous Twitter parody Mark Ne Francois Pas is set to publish a book. “If they come forward and say who they are, I’ll do them a deal,” Francois tells us.

“I’ll buy a copy of theirs, if they buy a copy of mine.” The real MP is busy writing up his memoir, You Really Couldn’t Make It Up, which he hopes to publish in time for the autumn party conferences.

Twitter spoof account Mark Ne Francois Pas is turning his “find” of the ancient plague diaries of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys, a 17th-century predecessor, into a book after being contacted by a literary agent.

Mark Ne Francois Pas confessed to The Londoner he had dreamed of being a diarist. “If by diarist you mean Britain’s Leading Patriot, then I’ll have to be honest with you, yes”, although he reassured us becoming a published author won’t change him. “If you think I’m going to join the avocado-chomping, flag-dodging metropolitan elite, rather than cruising the M25 in my Evoque 2.0 and paintballing in Hatfield with Bill Cash, you’ve got another thing coming.”

Former army man Francois told The Londoner he was working on discovering who the culprit was. "I would be intrigued to know who’s actually doing it", adding: "I have an inkling of who it might be. But I’d like to find out if I’m right."

"It’s obviously someone who knows me because from time to time to they drop in details, like my favourite beer, that only people who know me would know. Just little things. Not necessarily someone who knows me well - someone who knows me a bit, or knew me."

"I’ve been amazed at how many followers it’s got" he went on. "Ironic as I don’t actually tweet. I suspect some people really think it’s me. I promise it’s not! I absolutely promise you it’s not me pretending."

Francois said his favourite tweet was one that had him in a children's playground playing on a model tank and dreaming of outflanking the "2nd Panzer division in the Ardennes".

Meanwhile, Ne Francois Pas said of getting the book deal: "At first I presumed it was MI5 asking me to come and work for them on spec-ops, but when I discovered it was a literary agent who wanted to help me document the struggles of this great 17th Century Patriot Mark ne-Francois-Pepys, whose ancient diaries I happen to have found buried under the patio of my four bed detached Barratt new build, I couldn't say no.

"We are arguably facing the greatest crisis this country has seen since the Falklands or indeed the two World Wars (all of which I served in heroically) and to withhold these stirring accounts of a remarkably similar age would have been as remiss of me, as to measure social distancing in the metric 2 meters rather than the much simpler and more patriotic imperial 124/100000 of a mile."

It's hard to tell who is who...

--

West End actor Joseph Millson, who has also appeared in both Bond film Casino Royale and TV soap Holby City, has found a new role during the crisis. “Just did my first shift as a stock assistant in a supermarket,” he tweets. “There is NO NEED TO STOCKPILE. They have loads of stock coming in.” Good on him for being so versatile and useful.

--

CENTENARIAN Dame Vera Lynn is backing an online campaign to encourage and thank people for staying at home. “We faced a very different enemy in WW2 but the actions we’re all taking today reminds me of the unity forged from adversity during the war.” And, of course, she sang the perfect song for these times: We’ll Meet Again.

--

SW1A

THE Londoner spotted Jo Johnson on his daily walk and asked (from two metres) after the PM. “My brother has always had a strong constitution,” he reassured us.

--

DfID boss Anne-Marie Trevelyan’s “favourite pastime” in lockdown is to “watch the clouds” and “see what shapes they make... a whale? An elephant? A boat?” We’ll have what she’s having.

--

Houseparty? We're having a hair party

AS LONDONERS entertain themselves in the lockdown on the Houseparty app, model Georgia May Jagger took part in a remote “hair bleach party” with pals including Nick Grimshaw and Pixie Geldof.

Brit Award-winning musician Dave, meanwhile, seemed a little glum.

And poking fun at cheery celebs’s more wholesome offerings, comedian Alan Carr invited fans to join him for a “live colonic” online. We didn’t stick around to make sure he was joking...