Advertisement

I’m so proud of hard Brexiteers for reacting in such a calm manner to the Tory Brexit rebellion

Brexit Secretary David Davis after the Government lost the vote: PA
Brexit Secretary David Davis after the Government lost the vote: PA

One of the reasons we have to leave the EU is that we have a different culture from the one in Europe. For example, we pride ourselves on good sportsmanship, and if we lose, we shake hands and bear no grudge.

This is why, when a few Tory MPs voted against the Government this week, meaning a future Brexit deal has to be put to Parliament, the Brexit leaders accepted it with good grace – their only comment being to put photos of said MPs on the front page of newspapers, calling them “Traitors”, and “self-consumed malcontents”, shedding “tears of wanton treachery.”

Then there are articles such as, “These filthy Judases might as well spray paint a picture of Meghan Markle joining Isis onto the cenotaph during the minute’s silence on Remembrance Day while projecting a film of themselves digging up Winston Churchill and replacing his grave with a stall selling CDs of a medley of songs denouncing Christmas sung by Robert Mugabe, in German.

“They have literally urinated on Bobby Charlton’s world cup winner’s medal. They have kidnapped Dame Vera Lynn, that’s what they’ve done, and told her they’ll cut off her pension unless she agrees to be transgender and they’ve boiled the Queen’s corgis and made them into a smoothie and served them as a delicacy to Angela Merkel. They’ve renamed Waterloo station Napoleon Station and turned the Albert Hall into the Luftwaffe centre for giving away Henry Cooper’s trophies to Romanians. We hope they’re pleased with themselves.”

Because, as ever, the important matter is finding common ground. So they make polite suggestions such as, “As they don’t appreciate the just and democratic methods we are trying to protect, by leaving an economic union, while retaining an impeccable friendship with partners and neighbours, they should be dangled from trees so crows can peck them one organ at a time, with croissants stuffed up their bottom if they like Europe so much, and then covered from head to toe in Hungarians’ ear wax as they’re so keen on stuff that’s foreign.”

The rage of the Brexit team was impressive, seeing as the vote was only about having another vote on the terms of Brexit; it wasn’t overturning anything. But they’re more furious than football fans who ring phone-in shows when their team’s lost. The Daily Mail probably did call LBC, and when the presenter said, “What point would you like to make?” replied: “I’m SICK OF THEM BRIAN, I’ve HAD ENOUGH, they’ve GOT TO GO, everyone should be SACKED, I don’t care who, just EVERYONE, CORBYN and the SCOTTISH and KEN CLARKE and BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH and LEONARDO DA VINCI, just SACK THEM.”

But the angry Brexit people make a good case, which is that when the British people voted to leave the EU, they were clearly voting to tell everyone outside Britain to go and stuff themselves because we’re sick of spending the last thousand years being told what to do, saying we have to breathe in and out in centimetres and our cheese has to be full of maggots, and anything short of setting fire to each of the 27 countries with GALLONS of petrol, not litres, is a shameful compromise that represents a betrayal of the will of the people.

It makes you realise it’s just as well the Leave campaign won, because if they react like this when they won, if they’d lost they might have become very cross. As it is, it’s almost certain the levels of rage we’re witnessing will lead to social workers being called, as Leavers are threatening to cause harm to themselves.

Eventually, skilled counsellors will soothe them with medication, and say calmly, “I don’t think it’s Jean Claude Juncker you’re really angry about, is it?”

One headline offered the view that the MP’s vote threatened to hand Britain to a Marxist, which displays an impressive imagination. Maybe they’ll carry on with this theme, and if one of the judges on Strictly Come Dancing votes for Debbie McGee, they’ll say, “Go on then, let the Vikings pillage the Lake District, I hope you’re pleased with yourselves.”

The cheery side is they’ll laugh when they realise the vote was to allow Parliament a vote on the deal, and one of the main reasons the Brexit campaign gave for leaving the EU was that they were furious that Parliament wasn’t allowed to decide what we were doing.

So the complaint seems to be: “How dare they say Parliament should have a say, on whether Parliament can have a say.”

In fairness, the Brexit leaders are only taking their turn at putting their case as badly as possible. The Remain side were just as useless, which is how they managed to lose. And the EU did try to ruin Greece and ignored their referendum, and it does insist on agreements that favour corporate interests, but the nuanced finer points don’t necessarily come across in speeches that go “Why should we take any notice of them when we had Henry the Fifth – he didn’t ponce around discussing carrot tariffs, did he?”

Several of them seem thrilled at the idea we might leave with no agreement at all, as that will show the EU who can push who around. And they have a point, in the same way you might go shopping, agree on nothing in any shop, then sit in the road with no food or clothes, going, “That’ll teach those bastards at LIDL.”