May I have a word… about gobbledegook in the Lake District

Pity the poor Lake District. Earlier this year, campaigners saw off a £1.8m activity “hub” with eight zip wires up to 1,200 metres long criss-crossing one of its more beautiful landscapes. Now conservationists have another fight on their hands with the announcement of a ski lift-style cable car that would allow more tourists to visit Keswick.

But perhaps the greatest threat to the sanctity of the area comes from Steve Ratcliffe, director of sustainable development for the Lake District National Park, who, commenting on a 15-year plan of action, said it was “critical for that plan to be forward-thinking”. Well yes, I suppose it would be. He added: “I am particularly excited about sustainable transport modes being put forward as part of the visitor experience.” If that doesn’t take this week’s prize for Olympic standard marketing eyewash, I don’t know what does.

And talking of tripe, how much longer must we put up with restaurants offering “good honest food”? What, you mean there are lying, sneaky chefs out there deliberately adulterating their food with buckets of sawdust, vats of bile and rabbit droppings? Any self-respecting restaurateur shouldn’t have to proclaim as a virtue what should be the minimum standard we can expect in a restaurant. While they’re about it, could they please stop trumpeting about “locally sourced ingredients”? Again, why try to make a virtue out of what should be good practice?

Finally, I have never had Joseph Stalin down as anything other than a megalomaniacal mass murderer, certainly not a snappy phrase-maker. And yet… he once said that “introducing communism to Poland was like putting a saddle on a cow”. Not bad, Joe.

• Jonathan Bouquet is an Observer columnist