Miliband leads the net zero fight… while planning a Brazilian beach holiday
Under Labour, the only thing growing is the green lobby. Ed Sillyband is advertising for a photographer whose chief job will be to keep him away from bacon, his public image having been ruined by an argument with a sandwich that the sandwich won (so this is why the eco-loons hate meat!).
Off-camera, Ed is in fact rather handsome; he has the profile and dignity of a Mughal prince. But cry “action!” and the teeth descend and the arms flap wildly, as if signalling for a straightjacket.
He told the environmental audit committee that the Government was on a “clean energy superpower mission” that had “two limbs”: create jobs and save the planet. It would take “an intentional approach... speed up... step up”, do the Hokey Cokey and turn around. Ed’s civil servants watched him carefully. They’ve done a course in pacifying the mad.
He’s sane enough to realise that things are going wrong, that the election of climate sceptic Donald Trump – “solar panels make you gay, everybody knows it” – and the decline of the British economy risks distracting Sir Keir Starmer from net zero. Hence, Ed reinforced that he and Sir Keir are of one, tiny mind; and it was “so important” that the PM had attended last year’s COP summit in Baku, though many other leaders did not.
Is it true, a committee member asked, that the UK delegation included fossil fuel lobbyists? Ed drew a blank and complimented his “absolutely brilliant team of civil servants”, of which we sent over a hundred to Baku.
Julia Buckley asked if MPs like her could attend the next COP summit – and Ed said: “The passes are on their way to you now!” Laughter all round. It’s being held in Belem, Brazil – “Gateway to the Amazon” – so it’s good to know that one can fight climate change and have a fabbo holiday at the same time.
But how will all these MPs get there?! Ellie Chowns asked: “Will the Government expand Heathrow?” At this point Ed, who had hitherto extemporised, began reading his briefing notes very carefully.
“This Government is committed to upholding the law”; carbon targets are a legal obligation; a new terminal “will only go ahead if it is consistent with carbon budgets”.
In other words, said Ellie, Heathrow can only expand if some other sector retracts – so who will take the hit? “That is a specific question,” said Ed, and gave a generalised answer. No doubt he is at war with the Chancellor, who is apparently besieged and bewildered by angry Lefties over a litany of broken promises. Funny: you’d think she’d be good at handling complaints.
The audit committee is one of my favourites – they provide comfy seats for journalists and mineral water – but it desperately lacks a Reform MP to question the consensus and claim wind farms cause feline Aids. Minus dissent, it is a microcosm of an elite talking to itself. We could’ve been attending a Soviet panel in 1932 on the collectivisation of agriculture; a chorus of ideological reinforcement, replacing achievement with a whirlwind of propaganda tours.
“I’m going to India next month,” grinned Ed, and the Government’s sudden interest in building a new terminal made sense. It will be for the exclusive use of environmental delegations.