Mother who lost her baby over three decades ago helps others with their grief
Care for women who have lost their unborn children is something that we would demand now, but that was not the case for Maria Gormley, 54, who was unable to even see her baby when she gave birth to a stillborn child aged 18, at Orsett Hospital.
Maria shared: “I didn't know what was really happening at the time. Back then, when I had Laura, which was in 1988, there was no support, there was nothing there. When I had Laura, she was just whisked away, and I didn't get to hold her. I didn't even get to see her. I didn't get to make any memories at all with her. It has changed obviously now, and everything has gotten a lot better, but it was just absolutely devastating.”
During her pregnancy, Maria was not made aware of anything she should be concerned about. It was only at 36 weeks when she could not feel the baby moving, that she sought further advice.
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“It was an absolutely textbook pregnancy. Everything was absolutely fine.” She said. “There was nothing. She weighed five pounds six ounces, so she was quite big as well. Everything was absolutely perfect. She was perfect in every way. They did the scan and I just knew that something was not right. I mean, I did not for one second think that she had died. I just thought something's not right here.”
Maria experienced an “unexplained” stillborn, where there is no specific medical reason why a baby did not survive pregnancy after 20 weeks. “I knew she wasn't alive, but still had to go through the labour. And then she was born. It's very traumatic.” Maria was not given any time with Laura. “I didn't question that because I didn't know that that was what happened. I was so young and I just thought, this is what happens and this is just the normal this is what happens now.”
After her experience, Maria questioned the cause of her loss, even though it could not be explained medically. “To begin with, I thought maybe it was my fault. Maybe I should have done something differently. But then you realise, actually, no, there was nothing I could have done. There's nothing I could do. It's one of those things because we don't know why it happened, but it did. And you know, I know I'm not alone in that. There are loads of unexplained stillbirths or losses. So, I know that it was not my fault, and it was nothing I could have done to have changed that.”
Now, Maria organises a group supporting women in Clacton, who have had similar experiences. Stillbirth and losing babies during pregnancy is not uncommon. Maria shares that just speaking about the topic with others is always met with mutual understanding. She said “Whenever I speak to anybody about baby loss, they will come back with something like “this happened to them, somebody that they know, or a friend or family member.” I think I’m yet to speak to somebody that doesn't know somebody that it's happened to, be it, an early loss, a miscarriage, stillbirth, cot death, anything. They all seem to know someone that has happened to. It’s so sad.
“Loneliness is awful, and it is a place you definitely go to when you lose a baby,” she said. To combat that, Maria’s group, Sands (Stillbirth and neonatal death charity), raise awareness through events that bring people together to talk about their loss, to just listen, and to form friendships with others who have felt the same emotional pain. Every year, the group comes together tying ribbons along Clacton Pier in recognition of the babies that they have lost. Some of the ribbons have messages to their babies, some have teddies, all show their love to the baby they lost.
“I went back to work and then I just carried on with my life, you have to. Obviously, I still had Laura there, and was thinking about her all the time. She's always played a big part in my life. I’ll always remember her with things like lighting candles and having Christmas decorations up with her name on, on the tree, so she's always remembered.
While pregnant with Laura, Maria had begun ‘nesting,’ getting things ready for the birth of her baby. “ It's just a natural thing that you go out and do. I bought a cover for her cot, and I kept it after all this time. I bought it especially for Laura and now I’ve had a teddy bear made of that material.
Maria said: “We were very lucky that she did have a burial. I also went on to have another daughter, Danielle who is 32 now. But, probably, the whole grieving thing would have been a lot different if the support had been there.”