Mummy is in charge of the Tories now
Kemi assembled her shadow cabinet at gunpoint. Those whose honour it was to serve received a text that said, “you will serve”; those who politely declined got “I’ve never heard of you anyway”. The gang then gathered in a broom cupboard for photographs – smile, click, flash – the doors closed and the team-building exercise began.
A volunteer emerged with tears in his eyes and a sore bottom, to tell the press: “Following a robust debate we have agreed that Kemi will do all the talking.” Mummy is in charge.
Her crew was chosen to appeal to all voters, hence Priti Patel is the token Right-winger, Mel Stride is the token Lib Dem.
The strangest appointment is Chris Philp as shadow home secretary – Philp is his real name, not a subbing error – a cut-price Ben Fogle who looks as if he does fun-runs for Africa.
Should that job not have gone to runner-up Rob Jenrick? Instead Rob got shadow justice, the appointment so flagrantly unjust that it refutes those who say Kemi has no sense of humour.
At justice questions, he faced a Labour ministerial team comprising three women and one man – if you can call Sir Nicholas Dakin a man. Terrified and put-upon, Sir Nic evokes happy memories of the sitcom George and Mildred.
Very much the Yootha Joyce character is co-minister Alex Davies-Jones, a forceful lady who shouted her answers to MPs’ questions and frequently told Dakin what to say as well.
Davies-Jones, as the name suggests, is Welsh twice-over. A wag on Twitter noted that the person given the Tory brief for Wales, Mims Davies, replaces Baron Davies, who took over from David Davies. She was congratulated by their Senedd leader, Andrew Davies.
Speaking from the Despatch Box, Davies-Jones pledged to stamp-out misogyny – i.e. put more men in prison – while others argued that more women should be released.
Asked a question about prisoner training, Dakin shuffled nervously through his papers and mumbled: “We have reduced overcrowding to ensure that prisons have the capacity to focus on education”. If true, that’s quite an admission. I thought we were letting out criminals to create space, not cut class sizes in woodwork and conversational Spanish.
Jenrick observed pithily: “The only group whose popularity this Government has increased with is criminals.” I give it a year before Labour grants them the vote.
Failing to promote Big Rob leaves Kemi’s cabinet a tad toothless. At the Budget debate that followed, the Opposition was led by the new shadow health secretary Edward Argar – and the only Tory thing about him is his name (the Aga cooker is a badge of honour among Conservatives).
Just 46, he looks 70, and oozes such geniality and consensus that it’s hard to tell which party he’s with. Behind him sat two ex-rivals of Kemi – contrasts in how to handle defeat. Tom Tugendhat laughed at the madness; James Cleverly watched with a face of thunder, puce with frustration.
The tragedy of politics is that only one job matters – the top one – and when you shoot and miss, there’s nothing but boredom on the backbenches left. Cleverly took all he could of Argar’s gentle musings and marched out. I wonder if we’ll ever see him again?