Nancy Banks-Smith on The Archers: trouble is a cat called Hilda Ogden
A disconcerting diva has made a dramatic entrance in Ambridge, on her very own blood-red carpet. Peggy, The Archers matriarch, returned from a routine hairdo at Fabrice of Felpersham with a cat called Hilda Ogden. Hilda has replaced (and rather briskly if I may say so) the late, lamented Bill, who was run over by Brian last week.
I should mention in Brian’s defence that Bill was grossly obese and had it coming. As opposed to heard it coming. Hilda Ogden, who may have psychic powers, seemed to sense Brian’s guilt, and laid his hand open from wrist to fingertip.
To be fair, she has also taken against the entire cast of The Archers, like Kipling’s Himalayan she-bear who rends the peasant tooth and nail. It is remarkable that country folk, who can browbeat a bull, seem completely at a loss with a cat. Possibly Hilda Ogden misses the bright lights of Felpersham. Perhaps she just doesn’t like peasants.
Her name is, of course, a gracious gesture from the world’s oldest radio soap to the world’s oldest TV soap, like the Queen inclining ever so slightly to a minor marchioness. To the naked eye, there is little resemblance between Hilda Ogden, the cat from hell, and ’ilda Ogden, the char from Coronation Street. I can only suppose that, as Fabrice chose the name, ’ilda, curlers and turban and all, has blossomed into a gay icon. Like Marlene Dietrich, only with a muriel.
As Matt Crawford would say: “Hello, puss cat!” Matt has reappeared in a puff of cigar smoke to cheer us all up with his well-loved catchphrases: “You have my word” and “It’s a fantastic opportunity.” Matt, Lilian’s ex, was last seen leaving for Central America with the contents of her bank account. Now he is buying bloodstock for a new racecourse in Costa Rica. (“They’re paying 12%.”) Form an orderly queue.
Lilian, who was born to be a gangster’s moll, is now engaged to a tycoon. Who owns a racehorse.
• A month in Ambridge returns on 21 June.