The Ned: Everything you need to know about London's hottest new venue

Someone flipped a switch in EC2 this week, where The Ned, Soho House’s £200 million powerhouse, roared into life, resuscitating the Square Mile’s social scene like an eight-storey defibrillator. There wasn’t a party that didn’t start or end at London’s shiniest new hotel and party palace.

In a few short days, the nightlife around Bank station transformed from an after-dark blackspot into the only place in London people want to be seen. Owen Wilson, in an enormous floppy hat, Eddie Redmayne, Nancy Dell’Olio and Idris Elba were among the cavalcade of celebrities who descended on the 252-room hotel and new party-central venue for its grand opening, while the red and blue lights of a police escort marked the arrival of Princess Eugenie and Sarah Ferguson.

As with every members’ club, though, there are rules, and a week of raucous parties only served to underline the nascent rubric for partying to your peak here: it’s not what you’ve got, it’s how you use it. This is what we learned from a week at The Ned.

Soft launches are the new grand openings

The big unveiling of The Ned wasn’t until Wednesday but that didn’t stop London having a first look around. Universal, Coda and Mr Porter managed to squeeze in celebrations on Monday, while the Evening Standard’s own leaving party for outgoing editor Sarah Sands roped off the rooftop on Tuesday, while downstairs fashion brand Roland Mouret held a bash. Plenty of jealousy-inducing Instagram snaps well before the doors had been officially flung open. Smart! As one American guest was overheard saying, “for a soft opening they’ve gone pretty hard”.

Banking it

New beginnings are exciting. Bank, as an area, holds the ignominious title of “London’s worst Tube station”, according to website The Londonist, while “lead us not into Bank station” is a little-known variation of The Lord’s Prayer whispered quietly by tourists. Still, anyone who finds themselves in the area after office hours is now counting their blessings. This is a fresh start, and much discussion centred on the best streets to Uber from and the closest exit from the hotel for anyone struggling in particularly vertiginous heels.

Bedrooms are boltholes for the apocalypse...

With chintzy wallpaper, cabinets stocked with 200ml bottles of Cotswold artisan gin and bathrooms furnished with mahogany baths and a comprehensive range of Cowshed products, the bedrooms at The Ned are set up to survive the end of the world. You can repopulate it too: they’re also primed for saucy deeds, with lubricant provided in an unassuming linen pouch. If you are flagging late at night or need a hangover cure the morning after, dial zero on your bedside rotary phone to have (just about) anything delivered to your room by the concierge service.

... and the cocktails are thermonuclear

The “Nedgronis” and “Evening Sands” (a one-off named after this paper’s outgoing supremo) cocktails are, if not lethal, at least capable of making your life flash before your eyes. Still, being forced to confront your greatest hits is no bad thing — who can pass up a trip down memory lane?

G-unit

Speaking of memory lane: Gabrielle. Gary Barlow. Gareth Malone and his choir. These are not just the entertainers of the age but were also among the luminaries putting power on show over a week of festivities. You may scoff but it’s hard not to lip sync to Dreams after one too many Nedgronis (see above).

It’s not lonely at the top...

With a next-level social-media strategy, The Ned and its rooftop are quickly writing themselves into the annals of history’s hashtags. One of the most Instagrammed locations this week was by the hotel’s heated rooftop pool (one of two), with The Shard, St Paul’s, London Eye and city skyline fading into the distance. iPhone + skyline = instantly iconic location, natch. Meanwhile, the rooftop bar staff’s natty cardigans make them the best-dressed waiters in town.

...but lift etiquette is important

Be warned, though, access to the rooftop was rarely straightforward at peak crowd, and a winding approach is advised. So many people were rushing to the rooftop that the lifts came, left, and came again like a flirtatious shuttle bus.

Enjoy the mother of all lock-ins

What goes upstairs must, eventually, come down. The Vault Room, the bottom-floor bar, is not just a former bullion hold complete with 20-tonne safe door and 3,000 safe-deposit boxes. The Ned used to be HQ of Midland Bank, and — according to a fast-manifesting urban legend — was the set building in Mary Poppins where Michael lost his tuppence (it isn’t, apparently, but it’s still a fun rumour). It is also the only place to end your night: by 3am, dancing, R’n’B club classics and one or two (suspected) wardrobe malfunctions make the idea of a members’ club seem a million miles away. There’s also a full-size boxing ring in the basement — although we suggest you look, don’t touch, and definitely don’t box as the drinks flow.

It’s the ultimate supper club

The ground floor is a cornucopia, with dimly lit, sprawling long tables among seven restaurants, from Zobler’s Deli, a New York-style Jewish deli, to Malibu Kitchen, with an atmosphere like an upmarket Hogwarts dinner hall. Sitting down for dinner is also fun, like a game of musical chairs, with a choice of seven restaurants (there are two more, reserved for members). Tactical eating is therefore a necessity: graze your way around, from poke snackage at Coya to piling on the pasta at a new Cecconi’s.

You’ll be floored

Design buffs will have their own trail to follow through the building, which is a Grade I-listed Art Deco masterpiece designed by Sir Edwin “Ned” Lutyens in 1924 (the modern incarnation is a joint venture between Nick Jones’s enduringly hip Soho House & Co and US hotelier Sydell Group). The members’ pool on the second basement floor is speckled with tiny geometric patterned tiles, while the approach to the Vault Room has larger, black and white ones, and parquet flooring on the rooftop.

The bar staff have a sense of humour

Don’t believe everything you hear. One barfly was offered a free manicure in exchange for buying 10 shots: a free finger for every finger. The manicure never materialised — funnily enough they never noticed.

There’s a salon

We know this because we bumped into Fiona Bruce there, taking a break from the party to have a manicure.

You can live here

Nedworking is the new networking. Arrive at 6pm, eat, drink, be merry, sleep it off, and then head out for work the next morning. Mr Porter has conveniently launched a room service called Forgotten Something?, which provides a menu of frequently forgotten items: cufflinks, white shirts, tights, earrings and socks. What more could you possibly want?